Around Thanksgiving, I got a message from my sister.  It turns out she’s great friends with my ex’s new wife, who asked my sister for my phone number and address because she lost them.

Ten years ago, I would have taken that as a massive betrayal.  Ten years ago, I was nineteen, immature and petty.  Ten years ago, the fact that I’ve moved on with my life just like he has would have been lost on me.

The other day, while there was a slight twinge of “Oh, damn.  I wonder what that means.” because I honestly do not know my sister all that well (Growing up, I pretended she was invisible because my parents favored her, and I moved out when she was eleven and never looked back.), I really wasn’t all that bothered by it.  She wants to know her nieces and nephew because they’re my children, and in order to do that, she has to befriend my ex and his wife.

I’m okay with all that.  It makes perfect sense to me even in my most agitated state.

Lately, I’ve been more honest with my family about my thoughts and feelings.  Not as honest as I could be.  That would be lost on them.  They would give me a million and one excuses why the problems I have with them are my fault.  They always have.  And nothing would change anyway.  So it would be a lot of heartache for absolutely no reason.  I have enough emotional problems without adding to them.

I haven’t talked about this here.  As much as I know it is the best thing for them, it still hurts.  Even more so because I know people are lying to them.  I hate being lied about.  With a passion.  Mostly because I don’t do that to people.

My ex’s wife is adopting my kids.  There are a million and one reasons.  They live states away, so if anything happened to the kids’ father, they’d go into foster care till I could pick them up.  Picking them up would require, at this point, buying a car, finding a new apartment, and buying four bedroom sets.  Even with M’s raise, I don’t have that kind of money on hand, so it would be a while.  Months, maybe.  I’m not willing to let the state take them. 

They’re doing really well where they are.  And ages ago, their father told me he didn’t want me talking to them for a while, but I could call and talk to him, so I backed completely out of their lives.  I’m assuming it was his way of trying to regain control over me, but I’m owned now, so that’s never gonna happen.

It is impossible for me to have a decent conversation with him.  Old habits die hard, and we’re both habitual emotional abusers when it comes to each other.  I could excuse away my part in our volatile relationship by saying “He started it!”, but in reality, even though he did start it, I’m just as much to blame as he is.

Part of the agreement was that they would update me monthly with the kids’ progress and pictures, and if the kids wanted to call, they’d let them.  Basically, it is supposed to be an open adoption.

I never said I would call.  I made it pretty clear I was done.  What’s the point in calling and sending cards and presents when I’ve been told the kids won’t get them? When I’ve been told when I call, I’ll only be able to talk to the perpetual dickhead? I really don’t need that shit.  I cause myself enough pain, thank you very much.

It’s been three years since I’ve heard from any of them.  I moved a year ago but my phone number hasn’t changed.  And to be honest, I figured it was probably for the best.  Talking to the ex and his wife left me a mess for days.  I don’t need that shit, either.

This morning, I opened Thunderbird and found an email from the ex’s wife.  And in reading it, I realized that my sister repeated everything I said to her.

My mother’s side of the family are all a bunch of gossips.  About and to each other.  They grill each other for all the private information they can possible get, and then go tell everyone else whether or not you ask them not to.  But it’s always been just a “within the family” thing so, as much as I hate it, I blow it off.  It’s easily avoidable.  Don’t want the whole family to know your business? Don’t tell anyone your business.

I made the mistake of thinking my sister would keep it in the family.

My sister made the mistake of thinking what I was saying was about my ex and his wife.

I always knew this day would come.  That my family would do something so far beyond the line of what I am willing to put up with and I would finally just write them off.  I guess I just hoped I’d be older when it happened.  More stable.  Less caring.