I dunno who drinks what kind of coffee around here, anymore.  We’ve recently started buying canned coffee because it sucks calling a cab or taking the bus just to buy coffee beans and the corner stores carry instant or canned.

I have never had instant.  I don’t plan to try it, if I can help it, either.

So the other day, I went to the corner store, and the only thing they had was Folgers Black Silk “Bold and Smooth”.  -.-

It’s a dark roast.  And it tastes like wine.  Coffee flavored wine.

It’s not bad for canned coffee (especially Folgers).  It’s just not really a breakfast coffee.  More a dessert or after dinner coffee.

So I’ve taken to calling it “black wine”.  I mean, I know some people call coffee that anyway.  But in this case, it really fits.

A whole lot of nuttin just to tell you what was said.  I am… teh lamesauce.

So M says “Can you come get my plate and get me some more coffee?”

And as I’m walking over I say, “You can’t have any coffee.  It’s mah black wine!”

He responds, “Well, in that case, you can’t have any cock.  It’s mah black cock!” O.o

So I said, “Wait.  You can’t take the Big Stuff away from me!” Ba-dum-bum

I have an intense fear of butterflies.  It is so bad that walking through a butterfly garden at the Zoo will make me cringe and want to crawl out of my skin.  I have never understood why I am so afraid of butterflies until last night.  Butterflies signify change and, quite frankly, I am afraid of most change.  The change that I am afraid of has nothing to do with a change in my life with new experiences and newly opened doors.  My fear has to do with the familiar things in my life changing.  And boy are they.

The family that I belong to is slowly falling apart and it is hurting my heart so very much.  I am not happy with what it has become and boiled down to.  All of the accusations of liars, backstabbers, hurt feelings, and he said/she said is getting to me.  There isn’t one moment when every person in the family is content and happy with the other.  That’s how a family is, I know, but this goes beyond just normal “I can’t stand you” nonsense.  This has to do with months of accumulation and lack of expression of feelings.  It has to do with there being disregard for those feelings.  It has to do with the fact that when I became a part of this House it was such a joy to my life.  Now, it has become something that I get quiet about and don’t really speak much about.

I first became a part of the House with my former Master, Tab.  He and I were welcomed with open arms and acceptance of who we are.  Neither he nor I have the experience our superiors have, but we were willing to learn.  Tab burned his bridges and was removed from the family, not because he ended our relationship.  The night after our break up, I was given protection, security, and a sense of hope that things would get better in my life.  The collar of protetion was my beam of light in the dark tunnel I had found myself feeling around.  His words and his love picked me up.  Everyone else showered me with love and affection.  I had a great family.  Everything was wonderful.

And then things began to change.

After the initial weekend of being a part of the family, things began to turn into something I never thought imaginable.  There was so much drama that I didn’t even know about that I had suddenly inherited.  And then the drama poured in to involve me when I had done nothing to deserve it, in my eye.  All I did was try to provide and do for my family as I was required to do.  And then one night I got the cold shoulder and was hurt in one of the most awful ways possible.  I was disregarded until the end of the night.  I hate feeling insignificant, I really do.

After much debate and thought, I have decided to make a change to my life.  A change that some of you probably did not see coming.  Read more…

This is not me. She's beautiful, though, don't you think?

So lately, I’ve been stuck on trying to do away with Master’s “monster face”.  I’m not sure why I’m so hellbent on making people see the good in Him.  But I think it’s because there is good in Him.  And it makes me feel bad when it’s obvious some people just can’t see passed how mean He can be to the sweetheart He sometimes is.  Like His sadistic streak somehow nullifies the love we share.

And if this were an abusive relationship, rather than a consensual one, I could see their point of view.  But I asked for this.  He’s supposed to be mean sometimes.

This morning, we were laying in bed and He kept stroking my hair and kissing my back.  He snuggled me into oblivion and showed me all sorts of pity and sympathy cause my period is kicking my ass.  He called me a spoiled brat when I whined that I didn’t want to get up and let me lay there for a little while longer… Till He realized He wasn’t going to be able to come back to bed because there were serious issues at the office.  Then He made me get up and make breakfast.  Discomfort is not a good enough excuse for the slave to be lazy if the master can’t in this house.

I think He’s feeling guilty about the paddle I bought Him.  It sort of cracks me up because I bought the thing for exactly the reason He’s feeling guilty about it.  Because I knew I would hate it, which would mean He would love it.  I should just crawl over His lap later and wait for Him to get it.

How long do you think it’ll be before I’m begging Him to stop?

Do you think He’ll be able to hold me? I buck pretty hard, sometimes.

Yesterday morning, Master reached around me and started pinching and clawing the fuck out of my tits.

See, the other day I made a huge, huge mistake.  I showed Him, a beautifully sociopathic sadist, just how much I liked that by begging Him over and over to pinch harder, claw more, twist… I think I have permanent indentations in my nipples.  But it’s very, very different when He’s doing it because He wants to than when I ask Him to.  When He wants to, I have no warning.  And sometimes I’m really not into it.   Read more…

As alluded to in both my and DK’s intro posts… Romantic love is not going to be a part of what we are and where we’re going. This, I think, is the biggest difference between what we’re doing and most M/s couples you’ll read about.

I think a common misunderstanding, one I certainly had, is that no love means no caring or emotional content. It’s  something that both DK and I have accepted, now. Neither of us are naive enough to think that I won’t fall in love with him but even then, I don’t think it’ll be the same sort of love you normally read about.

Our analogy to explain how love and affection work here is basically that of a service animal, like a dog for the blind or a police dog. There’s a very deep bond and I will come to absolutely adore him… but it’s not a romantic relationship. At the end of the day, I am there to work and I’m not his pet.

He already cares about me. That’s why he invests the time into me. He cares about my health, my well-being, my moods, my whereabouts, my thought processes, my sleep… The difference between this sort of caring and the “normal” sort of caring in a relationship is that he doesn’t have an obligation to remedy any problems.

If I’m unhappy, it’s usually in his best interests to find out why. Happy property is more effective property. Training happy and compliant property is easier than training cranky, unhappy and resentful property. Just like a working animal. A happy sniffer dog works better than a lonely and unhappy one. However… as I said… He is not bound by any obligation other than his own interests and preferences to keep me happy and healthy.     Read more…

If you want to arrange it, this world you can change it if we could somehow make this Christmas thing last.  By helping a neighbor.  Or even a stranger.  And to know who needs help, you need only just ask.

A very merry Christmas to you and yours. May it be as warm and fuzzy as ours always is.

Peace, love and happiness to you all. Thank you so much for reading us.

Yours truly,
The bloggers at Insatiable Desire