Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 32 – No Possessions + Isolation = Consensual Slavery? (revisited)

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 32 – No Possessions + Isolation = Consensual Slavery? (revisited)

October 2nd, 2014

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 32 (revisted):

I met this dominant on the internet, and they say that if I want to be owned by them, I have to sell all my belongings, quit my job, sign my kids over to my ex, cut ties with my family, and move to live with them in the middle of nowhere with no ties to the outside world, or even a backup plan. I dunno that I’m comfortable with that. Does that mean I can’t be a slave?

After reading the comments on my original post on this subject, I felt like maybe I misspoke, or was a little too vague. I feel like it came across as me saying this kind of dynamic is wrong, and that’s not how I meant to frame it at all.

I want to go officially on the record and say that there is nothing wrong with making the decision to give up everything for your owner. Many people have done it. Many people find it invigorating, empowering, and life-fulfilling.

My snark in the first paragraph of the last post (found here) was aimed at the woman who seemed to think her way was the only way, not her way in and of itself.

Heaven :

I would tell him to go straight to hell. There is no way I am giving up anything for anyone.

Here’s the thing: You will always give something up for the ones you love. Children, partners, friends…it’s the nature of having loved ones. The question isn’t really whether or not you will give something up for your dominant, but rather how much you’re willing to let go of.

Beck :

Honestly, if someone said some shit like this to me… I’d run as far away from that person as possible. I feel like what this D is asking steps into the border line of an abuse, but at least he’s upfront about it. I can’t say for certain he is an abuser because there isn’t enough information in the question to answer that. That doesn’t mean what was said doesn’t set off red flags for me. Having you give up everything and isolating you from the outside world and everyone you know isn’t something that anyone should agree to without seriously knowing someone as well as seriously knowing whether or not you want to be a slave to this degree. (Since the s in question asked “does this mean I can’t be a slave?” I’d say they don’t know what level slave they want/can be.) D/s relationships work because you agree to be that way not because one person wants everything and gets what they want.

Ah, but I left the question vague on purpose (it was more specific in private). Because the answer is incredibly ambiguous.

Some people do believe that this is the only way to be a slave, and if we’re going to get really technical, they’re right. Nonconsensual slaves aren’t usually allowed belongings, friends, family unless it serves some purpose for the owner. In the case of black slaves in America, some slave owners kept families together because it made them more productive. For that matter, when someone in the family stepped out of line, punishment was often selling a member of the family to remind them that they only had family because their owner allowed it.

But the Civil War happened (thank goodness), slavery is illegal, and consensual slavery allows for both slave and master to define the terms, rather than just the master. So if you’re not one of those people who find the above dynamic attractive, it may sound like abuse to you.

That’s the beauty of kink. It’s so versatile. One person’s abuse is another person’s need.

So! How can you tell if the dom is an abuser?

Well, Beck’s got it. You have to get to know them.

If some dom is telling you you have to drop everything and move to them right now, and you’ve only talked once, they’re either fucking with you, or they’re crazy.

If they’re telling you that this is what slavery would be like with them, but they’re acknowledging that you need time to consider the idea and get to know them, they’re probably not crazy. They obviously understand the magnitude of what they’re asking. And they may even want the person they collar to want this type of lifestyle, too.

In the case of the woman I mentioned in the last post, she sought out the kind of dynamic she had. She wanted to strip herself of her previous life, and all the material and familial things that came with it. She found a man who would humble her completely and require her to be nothing more than an animal doing his bidding.

That’s her choice. And because she chose it, and consented to it, and seems very happy with her decision, it is not abuse, and her owner is not an abuser. Strict as fuck, but not an abuser.

On the other hand, had he required this of her, and coerced her into it, and then held her to it when she realized she was out of her depth, then it would be textbook abuse. Because she didn’t make the choice herself, and she wasn’t allowed to back out when she decided it wasn’t for her.

In the end, my advice is the same. Know yourself. Know your potential owner. Then make your decisions. The very best things come to those who wait.

<3 P.S. I did not quote people here to call them out or make fun of them. Their reactions to this type of question are normal and expected. They make good points. I just wanted to make sure my opinion/advice was clear, and I felt the best way to do that was to respond directly to their comments. <3 you guys! Thanks for joining the discussion!

  1. October 2nd, 2014 at 20:04 | #1

    I don’t feel called out. Actually, honored my comment inspired a post. Okay, when I first seen my name up there – I was “Oh no, what did my big mouth say now.” I’m glad that you wrote this, though. I spent a lot of time on my comment because I was trying to word everything exactly how I wanted, but I am still not sure if I actually achieved this goal. I was trying not to come off as judgmental since I can’t possibly know the entire story. A subject like this is very touch and go. You hit the nail on the head though. Consent to a relationship like this is all that matters.

  2. Heaven
    October 2nd, 2014 at 21:29 | #2

    I don’t feel called out either, I know all the different types of D/s relationships out there and I even know people who are doing this now. I am not sure how they went about it but it is not for me. I just can’t do it and if someone I did not know well came to me with this again I would tell them to go to hell. To each their own person and if that person wants to do this that is on them I did not know the whole story either. But like you said it is all about consent and if you don’t consent to it then it does not matter.

  3. October 12th, 2014 at 10:58 | #3

    @ Beck You did a good job! Your comment just made me feel like I wasn’t really clear enough about my opinion, so I wanted to clarify.

  4. October 12th, 2014 at 11:14 | #4

    @ Heaven 🙂 Understandable. It’s not for everyone.

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