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NS(K)Q: Q40 – How To Ask For A Collar

November 13th, 2014

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 40:

Okay so you explained what a collar is, but how do I ask for one?

So it’s like this:

(I may say that a little too often…oh well.)

Different people have different expectations.

In the years I’ve been running around the web, I’ve heard of so many different ways of doing this. For some, it’s the submissive’s responsibility to ask to be collared, and the dominant decides if this is appropriate. For others, the submissive should somehow make her desire known, but the one who does the asking is the dominant. And for still others, no one asks. The collar just goes round the neck.

I know, I know…”But Rayne! What about consent?” I’ll get to that.

When I finally admitted I was kinky, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

My only knowledge of kink was the movie Exit To Eden with Dan Akroyd and Rosie O’Donnell. That’s no joke.

If you’re new to kink, and you haven’t already, you should watch that movie (just don’t get it from Amazon because people there are selling it for upwards of $150!). I say “if you’re new” because most of the people I know who watched the movie after they got into kink were PISSED because of the pot shots at kink and deviations from the book (which you should also read, but do not expect each to elicit the same feeling). I say they’re taking themselves too seriously. The movie is fucking hilarious.

So I’m on IRC (dalnet…we were mods in #submission and a few smaller channels), and I’m talking to all these other chicks about their collars, and how they got them, and holy crap, some of them went through some shit. For an online only collar, no less. I spent a lot of time staring at the screen with my mouth hanging open. (Writing this reminded me of a funny story. I tweeted about it if you want to read it.)

One girl I knew started with a consideration collar. There were all sorts of hoops she had to jump through just to get that. Tests she had to pass, and tasks she had to perform, and such. Then she was given a training collar. Same process, different tests and tasks. Then she had to beg her owner for her permanent collar, and there were tests and tasks for that. And then, she still had to wait to receive her permanent collar until he felt she’d earned it. And they never met in person. In fact, shortly after she received her permanent collar, they broke up. I think I was more devastated about all she went through to get the collar than she was.

Another girl had to beg her owner for her collar on three separate occasions, and on the third, he would decide if she was earnest enough and wanted it enough to do all that was required of her.

There was a fella we knew that did that the other way. He offered her his collar three times, and if she didn’t take it by the third time, he moved on.

I asked for M’s collar, but I didn’t get it until Master was convinced I was ready and able to be his slave. I was officially collared on October 6th, 2002, but I didn’t received my Eternity Collar until 2006. That was more of a financial thing, though. When I say we were broke in the beginning of our relationship, I mean we ate spaghetti and bulk hamburgers and hot dogs pretty much every night, and eggs for breakfast every day, unless chicken was on sale.

And then there’s the predator/prey crowd who get off on the chase, and the “really for real true slave” crowd who think slaves should be “captured,” which sounds all sorts of rapey and terrifying if you’re not into it, but it’s not. Ultimately, consent and collaring is discussed in the beginning, and then the “collaring ceremony” fits their particular kink.

Back when Master was a mod in a Gorean channel1, we watched as a girl ran from Gorean channel to Gorean channel (after first discussing it with channel mods so they didn’t disrupt other events) with her soon-to-be master “chasing” after her until he2 finally “caught” her, tied her up, and locked a collar around her neck. It was a lot of fun to watch. It probably would have been even more fun to watch if it was a real live event.

So what am I saying?

I’m saying do some research on the web. Google “BDSM collaring ceremony” or something. Read up on the ceremonies and procedures people have shared, and figure out what’s right for you and your prospective dominant. Be sure to talk to them, though, because I’m sure they have their own ideas; especially if they’re an experienced top.

If you don’t have a prospect, yet, then just get an idea of what you’d like your collaring to be like. Then, when you find a prospect, you can discuss it with them, and see what they envisioned, and work the ceremony or procedure into something that fits both of you.

Ultimately, it’s what the two of you want for yourselves that matters, anyway. You’re the only ones who have to live with your decision.

1. I’m discussing internet collarings between people we knew early on in our relationship here because at some point I stopped asking people about their collaring procedures, and at the time, I only knew internet slaves. I should rectify that.
2. There were some male submissives and female dominants, and all sorts of other combinations, but they were few and far between in the channels we frequented. And many female dominants were asked to stay away or outright banned in some of the channels because of their “attitudes”. Apparently, it was okay for male dominants to be pompous asses, but when female dominants exhibited the same behaviors, they were “cunts” and “bitches”. So I didn’t get to talk to them much about their collaring procedures, but I’m sure they were similar.

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