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NS(K)Q: Q45 – How long should I wait?

January 9th, 2015

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 45:

So, I’m pretty new to the community. I’ve been attending local munches for a few months and just recently went to my first play party. I played for the first time with a guy I had met casually at the previous munches. It was amazing and he was great. My issue is I want to play with him again and while he did say he would like to play again we just left it there. How long should I wait to ask him to play again? Should I wait for him to bring it up or wait until we meet up again at a munch or play party?

So the important thing to remember is kinky dating (or play partnering, as the case may be) is just like vanilla dating. I’m sure that, just like with everything else, some people have a million and one “rules” for kinky dating, but I’ve always been one to buck the system. This whole thing is supposed to be consensual, and based on what all parties involved want and need, so from where I sit, all that matters is what you’re comfortable with.

In a vanilla setting, how soon would you approach someone for another date? Would you wait for them to come to you?

I know sometimes kinky interactions feel more intimidating because, in many cases, one person is the top and the other is the bottom, but in reality, we’re all just people trying to find someone whose weird matches ours.

Some bottoms choose to wait. They feel like that’s what they’re supposed to do because they’re bottoms.

Personally, I say fuck that.

Until you’re in a relationship with someone, and accept their rules, you’re allowed to act any old way you want to. If that’s calling that top right this second and asking when he planned on having another play session, then that’s what I’d do. If that’s waiting till the next time you’re at a play space together, then that’s what I’d do.

If it were me, I would call him when I was ready and had a free moment (unless he called me first), swing the conversation in the direction of a session, and ask him what his plans were.

It’s very likely that he’s waiting for you to bring it up. Tops are people, too. They like to know their partner (used loosely, here, since you two are not yet in a relationship) knows what they want and will go after it. It is at least doubly important in this type of relationship because a top can go to jail if they act on mixed signals and it turns out they were wrong.

And besides that, not all tops want shy or passive submissives. I know that if I weren’t as tough and occasionally aggressive (when it’s permissible and relevant), M wouldn’t be nearly as smitten with me. He love the Aries in me, whether he’ll admit it publicly or not. =D

  1. RynJ21
    February 8th, 2015 at 23:01 | #1

    I don’t know why I find this question so endearing, but I do *smiles*

  2. Nat890
    April 29th, 2015 at 15:05 | #2

    What would be the proper time frame for from the first time you connect with someone from an online site as a potential slave or Master/Dom to becoming owners of or owned as property? Do you meet the person first, particularly if it’s a “Relocation” deal? If so, how long? I know each situation is different, but seems like dragging it out too long would be a turn-off as a Master.

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