That’s not just me not liking someone.  My surrounding neighbors are currently celebrating her move in our parking lot with loud music, a cookout and Dominoes.  The game, not the pizza place.  If that doesn’t speak to how much of a bitch she is, I don’t know what does.

It’s kinda cool, cause they listen to music M usually isn’t interested in.  Not specifically rap, but a bit of pop, some oldies, reggae, a lot of Motown.  Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross and the Supremes, The Four Tops and The Jackson 5 are today’s soundtrack.

I… wanna be out there.  Dancing, playing Dominoes and raising hell.  My body hasn’t stopped moving since they turned the radio on.  Unfortunately, we already did our partying this week, and we’re both feeling pretty crappy.  So here I sit.  But that’s okay.  Spring is just starting and we’ve got all of summer.  Without the bitch living downstairs, our parking lot will probably become “The Party Zone”. 

This isn’t the first time my parking lot has been “The Party Zone” in my life.  Years ago, my parking lot was always where you could find the keg.  There was almost always a giant conference-type table and a bunch of folding chairs.  Cards, dice, dominoes, horseshoes in the grass and a swing set for the kids up on the flat part of the hill.  Ashtrays all around cause I was neurotic about cigarette butts, a weight bench by the house where we had our “Battle of the Sexes” weight-lifting contests.

Us girls always won.

M’s not so much a social butterfly.  He tolerates what little socializing I manage to talk Him into, barely restraining His desire to go home.  He holds His own in conversation once He figures out what He has in common with the people around Him.  But finding something they have in common always proves difficult.  Except at the office.

M didn’t grow up on the mean streets of New York.  Though He did spend some time on Hamilton Hill (the worst neighborhood in our town), true to form, He stuck mostly to Himself with His nose in His ElfQuest books and video games.  He went on a missionary trip to Africa.  He had babies.  So when He asked me what He had in common with the neighbor, the only thing I could come up with was, “You’re both men.”

I think, at this point, it’s not so much any specific group of people I want to spend time with, so much as I’ve got a serious case of party withdrawal and cabin fever, and they happen to be right outside.  If there was a group of aliens (extra terrestrials, not immigrants) out front partying in my parking lot, I’d want to be out there.  These four walls feel like they’re closing in on me.

I wonder if my landlord will let me paint.

Anyway, that’s all I got today.

Tuesday, April 6th, Rayne will be thirty years old.  Plautus, the playwright, said “Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.”  Rayne says, “Let us celebrate with lube and sex toys!”

You guys have stuck by us through thick and thin, through five or six other birthdays, and through the insanity that is Rayne’s mind.  The way we figure it, we don’t say thank you nearly enough.  So to celebrate her 30th birthday, and with the help of Eden Fantasys, we’re giving away sex toys!

Aren’t you excited?

Wanna see what we’re giving away? 

The Goods

The Gigolo.  Oh the Gigolo! He’s by Fun Factory and he’s delicious.  Made of silicone, he’s nonporous, phthalates and latex free and squishy.  Oh is he squishy.  Eight and three-quarters inches long, with six and three-quarters insertable inches, and a five and one-half inches circumference.  A wide, flat head made for your g-spot and excellent for clitoral stimulation.  He’s all the things we love in a toy.  (Only available in white.)

We love our Sliquid H2O.  It’s water based, so we can use it with all our sex toys.  It’s also paraben, glycerin, petro-chemicals and L-Arginine free.   It’s vegan.  It doesn’t get tacky or flaky, for the most part.  It smells a little like soap, but it’s faint and it dissipates in use.   It lasts forever and reactivates easily.  It’s just an all around awesome lube.  So we’re giving away a bottle of that, as well!

Next up, we’ve got the Lucky 11 by Evolved.  I mean… It’s purple.  Everybody loves purple, right? Except Carrie.  But she doesn’t count.  Lucky 11 is nonporous, phthalates and latex free, hypoallergenic.  It’s eight inches long and one and five-eighths wide.  It’s controlled by a nifty spinning wheel at the bottom professed to be easy to control even in the slipperiest of situations, and has swirly ridges around the shaft, and… It’s purple! Did we mention that yet? Okay, so we haven’t actually tried this toy, yet, but it got five stars from kissmykitty, so it’s gotta be good, right?

Rayne is a lube addict.  As in, we have an entire gallon ziplock back filled with bottles of different kinds of lubes.  Carrie Ann swears by Better Sex Essentials Silicone Lubricant, so we decided to make it our first silicone lube.  Rayne says the jury’s still out, but Carrie Ann says this lube is a slip-sliding adventure you’re not likely to forget.  It doesn’t flake.  It’s not sticky.  And it lasts a good long time, then sort of just… absorbs into your skin.  Who could ask for more?

Rayne loves Ella, the double-ended dildo, so much, she decided she just had to share the wealth.  She’s our first ever LELO toy.  She’s seven inches tip to tip and has a circumference of four inches.  She’s made of deliciously smooth, flexible, dense food-grade silicone.  She’s hypoallergenic, phthalates and latex free, and totally nonporous, which means, after you clean her, you can share her with anyone.  And I mean, come on… She’s made by LELO!  (Color your choice.)

Plus a few other party favors Rayne picked out just for y’all.  We know… we know.  How do you win?

The Rules

***Please note: You must comment with your party idea to be entered in this contest.***

To enter, post a comment here describing what Rayne’s 30th birthday bash would look like if you were planning it for us.  Doesn’t have to be long, and we’re not talking something sentimental, here.  Give it a theme.  Make it sexy.  Make it completely vanilla.  Hell, describe the party you’d like to throw for yourself on your next birthday.  Just make it fun! Two-hundred words max.  No, we won’t disqualify you if you go over.  And have fun with it! Anything goes! For some ideas, check out this poll.

• Now that you’ve entered, you want an extra chance to win? Head on over to Eden Fantasys, and vote on this poll about your favorite kind of birthday celebration.  (One entry)
• Tweet the following: “Rayne’s turning 30! Come celebrate with @InsatiablDesire and @EdenFantasys. There’s prizes! http://tr.im/Sqgm #efluvsbdays“  (Once a day)
• How ’bout another extra? In 140 characters or less, in a tweet, describe your favorite birthday celebration. Make sure to include the hashtag #efluvsbdays.  (Up to three entries, one a day)
• Come on… You know you want more extras! Pick any post in our archive and leave a thoughtful response.  (Up to three entries)
• Have you subscribed to our RSS feed yet? Following @InsatiablDesire or @EdenFantasys on Twitter? Leave a comment telling us either you already are, or just started, and that’s another entry.  (One entry for each follow)
• Want one more? Post about this contest on your blog.  Let us know in a comment if you do.  (One entry)
• Giveaway closes at 11:59PM EST on April 3rd, 2010.
• Winners will be announced on Rayne’s birthday: Tuesday, April 6th, 2010.
• Entries are limited to U.S. and Canada.  Sorry!

A huge, HUGE thank you to the awesome folks at Eden Fantasys for helping us put on this giveaway.

What’re ya waiting for?? Ready? Set? Go!!!

Gigolo G-spot vibrator by Fun Factory Material: Silicone Safety: $46.19 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:

Ooo, what’s that?

That, there, is the Gigolo (Generation Two) by Fun Factory, and it’s my first Fun Factory Vibe.  I think I always knew it was going to be my first Fun Factory vibe.  I’ve been lusting after that thing since I saw CarrieAnn review it.  Being stubborn and waiting for it to be in stock in blue.  And it was worth every minute of waiting.

What’d it come in?

The Gigolo comes in Fun Factory’s trademark sleek, tan and red cardboard box that no one would guess carries a sex toy if it weren’t for the one side that’s cut out.  The other side has magnetic flaps that open to reveal a diagram of the toy and its features.  Inside, you’ll find a sample of ToyFluid, a water based lube made by Fun Factory (which, incidentally, I haven’t actually tried yet, though I have more than one sample pack), a user manual and a pamphlet that shows pictures of other toys made by Fun Factory.

From the box:

aesthetical design: figurative or abstract

splash-proof

sleeve made of 100% medical-grade silicone, velvety surface

very powerful and quiet motor, long-lasting electronics

ergonomically formed control element, comfortable handling

steplessly adjustable vibration intensity

battery case for two AA [1.5 V] or rechargeables

How’s it made?

Let’s start with what I hate about its design, shall we? The battery cap is a pain in the ass to remove.  Maybe I’m just an idiot, and that’s why I have trouble.  But whatever the reason, most of the time, no matter how hard or soft I squeeze on the gray parts on either side, I have to wrestle with the damn thing to get the battery cap off.  And if the batteries are already in it, that means I turn it on and off nonstop while I’m fighting with it because it has a turn-dial control on the battery cap.

I just re-watched Carrie’s battery cap review (after I rediscovered it), and I’m totally jealous.  Cause my battery cap so does not just pop off all easy-like like hers does.  Most of the time.

My Gigolo is eight and three-quarters inches of pretty aqua hospital grade silicone, though it also comes in vanilla.  It’s insertable length is six and three-quarters inches and its diameter is one and three-quarters inches.  It’s hypoallergenic, nonporous, and phthalates and latex free.  It’s smooth, flexible and squishy with that delicious bit of drag silicone provides.  And there is no smell or taste to speak of.

It has a wide, flat head, then tapers a bit before flaring, again, into a girthy, smooth shaft.  There’s no texture to speak of except the aforementioned drag.  This makes Gigolo an excellent toy for beginners and people who don’t like a lot of extra bumps and ridges.

The vibrations are located more toward the center of the shaft, but they travel beautifully through the entire toy.  And they seem to be just what everyone says about Fun Factory’s vibrations: Perfect.  However, it is a little on the loud side.  Not as loud as, say, the Ecstasy, but definitely louder than Siena Rondo and Couture Collection Sublime.  (Which Eden doesn’t currently carry.  They totally should.  I adore mine.)

Load the batteries one up, one down, and snap the cap back into place, then turn the dial.  You’ll notice turning it either direction will turn the toy on.

What’s it for?

This vibe, as you can see by its shape, is intended to be used as a g-spot vibe.  But honestly, it works for just about any kind of stimulation you could possibly desire.  Use it on both yourself and your lover simultaneously during intercourse.  Tease and tantalize all your erogenous zones.  Or just stimulate your clit.  The Gigolo feels good where ever you use it.

How is it?

Rayne’s Rating:
Pros:	Cons:
perfect vibrations excellent shape squishy!	I hate the battery cap.

You can use rechargeable batteries with this toy!

Wait… I don’t think you’re understanding the full weight of my words.  I’ll say it again.  You can use rechargeable batteries with this toy!!!

Not impressed, huh?  Well, how ’bout this little tidbit, then: Until I got the Gigolo, I hadn’t owned a rechargeable-compatible vibrator.  I’m sort of a tree hugger so that fact alone makes me love it almost as much as a real cock.  Of course, my rechargeables are about seven years old and made of suck, so I’m gonna have to grab new ones.  But we were planning on buying new ones, anyway, so this just gives us another reason.

The Gigolo certainly earns the title “luxury g-spot vibrator”.  It looks, feels and performs the way I’ve come to expect quality toys to look, feel and perform.  It’s easy to control, even when it’s all lubed up.  It’s completely nonthreatening in appearance.  And the vibrations really are perfect.  It’s as if Fun Factory knows what they’re doing or something! ~blink~

There is no doubt in my mind that almost any woman is going to absolutely love this toy.  It’s the perfect size and squishiness for just about anyone who likes squishy toys.  Even women who prefer thinner vibes will like its angled head and gradually flaring shaft.

Anything else I should know?

It’s waterproof, so feel free to take it in the tub.

Stick to water based lubes for this one.  And please be sure to disinfect it between orifices or partners.

While you certainly can pour boiling water over the silicone end of this toy (into a bowl or the sink), or wipe it down with a ten percent bleach solution, please don’t submerge the toy or put it in the dishwasher.  This is the last toy you want to destroy by accidentally getting water inside the battery compartment.

And don’t worry about storing this toy with your other silicone toys.  In this thread on Eden Fantasys, Metis Black, from Tantus, says they store unpackaged toys in bins together with no adverse effects.

Where’d ya get it?

I bought Fun Factory’s Gigolo from Eden Fantasys.  Eden Fantasys is more than just a trustworthy sex toy store that ships its products in discreet packaging (I once got my stuff in a lemonade box.  No lie.).  It’s an entire community of men and women gearing for a sex-positive society.

They’ve got Eden Link, a place for their customers to converse with the heads of some of the companies Eden works with.  There’s SexIs Magazine, where you can learn just about anything you want to know about sex, or even share something you know that others might not.  They’ve got a ginormous forum on which you can ask questions about toys you are interested in and get advice from some of Eden’s reviewers.  And let’s not forget Eden Cafe, where I have a weekly column about M/s relationships.

i’ve always been a person tied to the seasons. Summer finds me optimistic, energetic, raring to go. Fall charges me to stock and hoard, canning and drying food, digging out blankets and cleaning the house in preparation of cold weather. Winter creates a sluggish me, reluctant to leave the warmth and safety of my cozy hidey-hole, introspective and dark.

Spring, however, has it’s own clutch of fun. i’m excitable and fractious, prone to hi-jinx and sassy misbehavior. A slap on my ass might find me quickly returning in like kind. A command from Up High is often met with teasing compliance. And, just sometimes, i get mired down in mental mud and really don’t know when to shut up. (i know, me, being disobedient? perish the thought!)

i could sense the spring tora rising this weekend. He’s been in an ass grabbing mood lately, sometimes lil pinches, sometimes caresses, sometimes big ol swats that make me yelp and jump. i never know which of those it will be until He’s already done it, so i’m a little twitchy right now when He walks behind me.  Saturday He had been a monster, molesting me whenever the chance presented itself, and i was becoming quite annoyed with the whole deal, especially when trying to get supper on the table while avoiding 6 busy children. So, He cracks me on the ass as i’m pulling dishes out of the dishwasher, and without even realizing it, i shot up and thrust my arm out to hit Him back.

i just about died as i came to my senses.

It must have been funny to see, i shoot straight up with every unthinking intention to hit Him back, and right before the point of impact i come to and flap my hands stupidly, trying to shake the stupid uprising out or something, flashing my smile of appeasement and avoiding eye-contact. He watched the whole thing, laughed and sauntered off.

i don’t know what was worse, the fact that i still have a section of my brain that will try and clobber Him, or that He finds that amusing. Not threatening, not interesting, amusing. Is there anything more infuriating than staging an coup and being brushed off like a pesky fly?

i’ve been trying to lure the slumbering sadist out of Him again. It’s like there’s this tiger sleeping in its den, quietly dozing, and i’m prancing about in front of the entrance wearing a ground beef bikini. While washing my hair with bacon grease. Can i scream “i’m stupid and want You to hurt me a lot!!!” any louder?

Teh dumb. i haz it.

i’ve promised Him that at some point this summer, i will wait until we are outside and He is busy with something. i will come up and haul off and crack Him as hard as possible. Then start running. Again with the infuriating, because He just smiles. There’s a gleam in His eye that tells me He will relish that moment. A bit of a smirk around the edges of His sensual lips that suggests He doubts i have the balls to do so. A whole history’s worth of experiences that promise me any action on my part will be ruthlessly crushed on His.

Change is good, wakes us up and reminds Him why He took me. A certain ground-line of stability is also nice.

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #68? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #70? Be sure to read our submission guidelines and then use our submission form and submit it before Sunday March 21st at 11:59pm PDT.

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Happy Birthday Giveaway Deadline: March 18th @ Noon Eastern.
• Care To… Tango? Deadline: March 21st @ 11:59pm Eastern.
• For the Ladies Sex Toy Giveaway Deadline: March 8th, 15th, and 22nd.
• Five Years of The S Spot! Deadline: March 24th @ Noon.
• Win a Green Ophoria V Ring Deadline: March 31st.
• Adult Easter Egg Hunt! Deadline: April 2nd @ 11am Central.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?
e[lust] #9

Editor’s Pick

• Tantus Hoss by Sammi

Hoss is enormous. Humongous. Gigantic. Bigger than big. He makes Randy look like a beginner’s toy (and Randy most definitely is not).

Editor’s Note: This is a seriously impressive review because, among other things, Hoss is a seriously impressive toy. I thought it a fitting EP for an impressive edition both in number (69) and in review count (80).

Editor
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews… 

Vibrators

• Fun Factory Bubbles by Jessie Beth
• Fun Factory Bubbles by Sarahbear
• Fun Factory Bubbles by Dani Darling
• Fun Factory Bubbles by Sexorcism
• Fun Factory Bubbles by PrettyPowerTools
• Sqweel by FunseXXXtoys Chick
• Bcurious by Sammi
• MiVibe Necklace by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System by Epiphora
• Eroscillator 2 vs. Synergy Pleasure System by PrettyPowerTools
• Handbag Hercules Pocket Rocket by Mistress Kay
• Remote Controlled Egg by Jessie Beth
• Hitachi Magic Wand Executive Pack by Joanna Cake
• Kissa by Muffyspingulove
• Aqua Rabbit by Jessie Beth
• Harmonia by Kristi
• Heart’s Desire Teaser by Dani Darling
• Little Su Tulip by Red
• CyberGlass Swirl Micro Mini by la petite
• Aqua Rabbit by Jessie Beth
• Calla Lily by Luvasaurus
• My Pet Vibrator by Kynky Kytty

Dildos

• Jollies Jollet by Amber from Scarlet’s Letter
• Jollies Jollet by Epiphora
• Tantus Rascal O2 by Sarahbear
• LELO Ella by Scintillectual
• Tantus G-Force by Ginger Leigh
• Tantus G-Force by Saraid
• Vixen Vixskin vs. Tantus O2 by Carrie Ann
• Goldfrau by Red
• Don Wands Pleasure Wand by la petite

Anal Toys

• Tantus B-Bomb by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
• GoodVibes Sidekick 1 by True Pleasures
• Assberry by Curvaceous Dee
• Assberry by LivingFire
• Crystal Delights by PrettyPowerTools

Toys for Cocks

• Vibrating support plus extended head exciter by Laurel
• Succu Dry Fleshlight by Epiphora
• Succu Dry Fleshlight by The Masturbator
• Chocolate Party Hats by PrettyPowerTools

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Bswish Bwarm Massage Candle by Mistress Kay
• System JO Warming Massage Glide by Rayne
• Intimate Organics Discover by Carrie Ann
• Wet Together Ultimate Pleasure Gels by Mina

BDSM/Fetish

• Incoqnito Lambskin Collar by True Pleasures
• Incoqnito Lambskin Collar by Pretty Power Tools
• Aslan Silicone Ballgag by Amber from DivergentDance
• Crave Wrist Restraints by Sammi
• Hog Tie and Cuff Set by Mistress Kay
• Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints by Dani Darling
• Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints by EffinSara
• Silicone Bit Gag by Alpine Subdreams
• Leather Slut Impression Paddle by Alpine Subdreams
• HappyTails Elk Leather Flogger by ThePinkPoppet
• Door Jam Cuff Set by BDGuy

Adult Books

• Sexoku – A Sex Trivia Game Book by Mistress Kay
• The Big Book of Sex Toys by Epiphora

Adult Movies & Porn

• Billy Castro Does the Mission by Epiphora
• Corruption by Mistress Kay
• Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality by Garnet Joyce
• Sex: How to Do Everything by The Duchess
• Deep Throat by J.D. Bauchery
• Jenny & Marie’s Award Show Fiasco by FrzKey
• Beef Jerky – 420 Stroker by The Porn Librarian
• True Fucking Love by J.D. Bauchery
• Panty Flash Teacher by FrzKey

Lingerie

• Schoolgirl Costume by Akame
• Red Satin and Lace Bustier by Juliettia
• Schoolgirl Costume by Angel deSanguine

Storage

• Eden Fantasys Toy Pouch by Carrie Ann
• Toi Tissue Bocks by Carrie Ann
• Original Toi Bocks by Carrie Ann

Miscellaneous

• Spareparts Joque Harness Large by Sarahbear
• Cleopatra Clit Clip Review by Dani Darling
• Tools of the Trade Kit by Jessie Beth
• Smartballs Teneo Uno by PrettyPowerTools
• Liberator Fascinator Throe by Sarahbear
• Pleasure Me Purse by Dani Darling
• Go Girl by PrettyPowerTools