So not too long ago, I joined a group on Fet called Not Quite Ready For Polite Company M/s-ers .  I haven’t done a whole lot of participating.  Or reading, for that matter.  Matter of fact, the only reason I’ve been on Fet at all in the past few weeks is because Kaya dropped me a line.  So I’m really not sure if I’m suited to this group.  I followed Kaya and tora there, and have only sort of been paying attention to the topics of discussion and how people respond.  (Read: I have no idea if you’ll like this group.  Don’t join just because I did thinking it’s gonna be super cool.)

A while back, though, they had a thread about this.  Sort of.  The questions were, “Are you required to maintain a pleasant demeanor at all times? How’s that working out for you?”  Read more…

When Ten Things went live, M retweeted it, and it made me all sorts of excited.  M almost never retweets my posts.  Especially since so many of them have been on more of a personal level than an educational one.

So I asked Him why He did it.  And felt really silly about it.  But I wanted to know.

He said that it’s full of good points, and it’s obvious I’m trying to get back on track, and that I should write more posts like that.  He says He thinks they’ll help me.  I think He might be right.

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There’s been a lot of grumblings around the kink farm about how M/s or D/s or O/p or what-the-fuck-ever-your-dynamic-is relationships needing the same basic things as vanilla relationships to survive.  (Yeah, I know.  I’m late to the party.  Again.  Shut up.)  Read more…

Does your owner allow and encourage you to pursue your own dreams/goals?

The honest answer is “sometimes”.  It depends on whether or not said dream or goal interferes with His wants/needs/ideas of how our relationship should look.

Slavery-oriented or life-changing dreams and/or goals have to be approved by Him.  And usually, if I can pursue them without affecting my relationship/life with Him in any way, He’s more than willing to allow it.

He spurs me on with pursuing my writing.  I think it actually disappoints Him more than me that I’ve mostly stopped writing fiction and erotica.  I’m kicking myself for it, too.  I’m not as bad of a writer as I’d convinced myself I was.  Read more…

First things first… The power company gave me an extension.  After days of telling me there was nothing they could do, and basically shrugging their shoulders when I explained to them all the reasons why shutting my power off would be just as bad for them as it would be for us (M works from home, so He’d lose His job.  Him losing His job would cut our ties with NY, and we could move somewhere not covered by our current electric company, which would give me the ability to pay it at my leisure, or not at all if we decide to rent for the rest of our lives.  M wants to eventually buy a house, though, so we’d end up paying… Just not as quickly as if we are still on their grid.), and making sure to end every call with, “You need to figure this out, or we’re shutting you off.”, I got someone on the phone willing to work a loophole in their system.  We now have the time we need to pay the bill, and we’re able to pay the amount we owe this month and not the ginormous sum they wanted us to pay.

I reiterate my previous statement.  Utility companies are terrorists.

The cable might get shut off tomorrow.  But that bill’s tiny, and I can pay it and get it turned back on on Monday.  And M could use a weekend without work, so I’m really not sweating it.  He is, though.  Cause He does have work to do this weekend.  So we’re probably going to spend Saturday and Sunday in the office.

Master got kind of irritated, the other day, when I claimed blame, citing His willingness to do what I think is right when the situation is dire.  I think, at first, He misunderstood me and thought I was saying that I could manipulate Him to my will at any time.  I said, “This is my fault.  If I’d only pushed you, we’d be fine.”  without clarifying.  But once I explained that I meant He folds in times when He should (like when there’s a bill to pay that could potentially make or break us), and not times when He should remain firm, He was less irritated.

And ya know, if you talk to some of the M/s elite, folding at all is considered “doing it wrong” and “allowing the submissive control”.  But from where I sit, that’s just retarded.

I mean, say M and I are hiking through the woods.  Say it’s a trail system I’ve hiked a lot, but M’s only been there once and down one trail.  Maybe there’s been a storm, and I know which portions of the trail system are usually destroyed by bad weather.  But M has a specific place He wants to go and only knows the direction I took Him.

Should I tell Him about the possible impasses? Absolutely! Should we go the way we went last because that’s the way M knows, even though I know there are some spots along the way that are probably impassable? Unless there’s a specific reason (like a patch of flowers He wants to photograph, or a marsh that usually has lots of birds perched on the tops of reeds), probably not.  Is that giving me control of things? No! It’s simply recognizing that I know the area better and saving ourselves time.  And from where I stand, there’s nothing wrong with that.

A while back, Kaya posted a question asking whether or not it can be considered submission if the owner always only makes the submissive do things he or she wants to do.  I might have already answered it.  I really don’t remember.

Over on her site, I said:

Well… If that’s the case, what happens when you run out of things you won’t do?

Cause, like, my limits are waning. Things I never would have done in a million years seven years ago, I’ve done recently without batting an eyelash.

So if you run out of things you won’t do – which, you know, could happen, maybe… or at least, I could run out of things within the realm of things *He’ll* do – do you cease being submissive?

I dunno, kiddo.

And then I started thinking about my batty friend and her post about the little orders her owner gives her to keep her in an active happy sub place.  Which then brought me to Kaya’s recent post about topping from the bottom.  And then it all got mixed up in my head and I started wondering if I top from the bottom.  Either because neither of us have noticed it or because Master allows it because He doesn’t mind so much.

And is it “topping from the bottom” if it’s not my fault? Like, if I made a suggestion and He liked the idea and decided to go with it? Or if I’m just rambling away about how I’d do it if it were me and my way was more logical (Yes, I realize how improbable that is.  Work with me!) so He went with it?  Read more…

This whole catching up financially thing is going to take longer than I’d hoped and it’s making me nervous.  We have things we need and we can’t buy them yet because M’s paycheck is still spent the second it touches His fingertips due to back bills and such.  Like, Him getting a raise was so totally supposed to magically put us in perfect financial shape and we were supposed to be able to buy whatever we wanted right the fuck now without any sort of catching up period, right? Right??!?

Why, yes! Yes, I am an impatient soandso.

But, seriously? While I am getting a little antsy, I’m really only kidding about thinking our finances would miraculously reverse themselves and the needs are mostly glorified wants.  Like, we have plenty of clothes that aren’t falling apart and at least fit us comfortably.  But they’re completely out of style and/or could use some taking in.  And we could definitely use more of them.  We’ve made do for a year.  We can make do for another month if we have to.  It’s just annoying.

Oops.  What I meant to say was: I’m so grateful M has a job in the current economy and we can pay our bills!

Ya know what? I am.  But I’m so sick of hearing it when I bitch about His job.  The money is not consolation enough for the bullshit He’s dealing with (Still!) or the fact that I still rarely see Him even when He’s home.

It’s like offering me a peanut as a consolation prize when the grand prize was an eight bedroom mansion in Maui complete with an olive green 2009 Mustang convertible and a navy blue Eddie Bauer Explorer (Can you tell I’m a Ford fan?), two jet skis, a pool, a hot tub, a jacuzzi bathtub, a ginormous kitchen and an all expense paid, three month cruise that takes you everywhere in the world while the team from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition deck out the house any way you want regardless of price.  And not even a fresh roasted peanut still in the shell.  A dried up, overcooked peanut that’s already been de-shelled and tastes like ass.

I feel like a yo-yo.

Every once in a while, something will fill me up with confidence.  And it’ll bubble up to the surface, the water tension barely restraining what’s inside.  The bubble will dance precariously amidst its cloud of bubbly friends as long as nothing disturbs the water.  But the second a frog leaps onto a nearby lily pad, the water tension loses its grip and the confidence floats off into the air.   Read more…

Cin worked up a list of questions for herself and then asked me if I’d be willing to answer them also.  I thought, “Why the hell not?” So, here they are:

1 - Does being enslaved set you free or dehumanize you?

A little of both.  I don’t really see the two as mutually exclusive.

2 – Dehumanizing: Is it a goal?  Is it something that is progressively worked towards?

This really depends on the relationship.  In some cases, it’s simply a side effect.

In our relationship, it’s sort of both.  I never would have believed myself animalistic before I was a slave.  Now, I’m occasionally seen acting closer to a cherished dog than a lover.  Slavery has brought something out of me that is very primal in nature.  Whether it’s dehumanization or embracing my humanity, I’m not sure.

3 – Are you part of a “loving” M/s dynamic or not?

Yes, very much so.

4 – Is your slavery a gift or just part of who you are?

Submission is not a gift.  Neither is slavery.  My slavery isn’t just part of who I am.  It defines me.

5 – As a slave, do you feel you do/should have any rights outside of begging release?

My list of rights is very short and can be revoked at any time.  I have the right to His love and affection.  I have the right to His honesty.  I have the right to full disclosure with regard to any outside relationships or sexual encounters.  And I have the right to His control.

I’m more than welcome to beg release if I want.  More likely than not, though, He’d tell me no.  I do not have the right to leave if He chooses not to let me go.  I am property.

Do I feel it should be this way? In all honesty, I feel it should be however it works for us.  If, in the future, we find it more comfortable to give me more rights, He should.  If we find it works better if I have less rights, He should take them away.  Read more…

Over on my post about masters and manners, LunaKM said:

It’s interesting though as I don’t know if I’d be comfortable in a relationship where I was required to be polite but the Master wasn’t. See, Master has trained me to be polite all the time; I wasn’t raised that way. So if he wasn’t polite I’d feel… odd I think. Hmm.

And I thought about how there are a lot of things Master doesn’t do that He requires of me.

Like, He almost never does the dishes.  I can count on one hand the number of times, in seven years, that He’s taken out the garbage.  He rarely feeds the birds.  He never cleans their cages.  And He rarely says please, thank you or I’m sorry.

I’m required to be respectful in my responses to Him and all males even though He’s only respectful to those He feels deserve His respect.  I’m not supposed to involve myself in drama – even His – unless He brings me into it.  I’m not allowed to go places without Him.  I have to get permission if I find myself interested in a sexual encounter with someone.  And I can’t buy anything without running it by Him first.

Sometimes He only eats one meal a day.  Sometimes He doesn’t eat anything.  But I’m required to eat twice a day.

He takes naps but I’m not allowed unless He is.  He does whatever He wants during the day, but I have to have permission to do anything besides what He’s told me to do.  And He changes jobs, takes on call and goes in early or stays late without running it by me first even though I’m required, when I’m working outside of the home, to ask Him before doing these things.

Like Kaya, I am held to a much higher standard than He holds Himself to.  I’m not sure He sees it that way.  I’ve never really sat down and talked with Him about it.  What I do know is that He’s not bothered by it in the slightest.

But it’s not fair! I have to say please and thank you! I have to apologize and beg for His forgiveness when I fuck up.  I have to be respectful to people who make me sick to my stomach, and act like little miss perfect in public, and pretend that I don’t think I’m better than this, that or the other male who is obviously an ignorant douche bag.  So why doesn’t He??!?

Cause He’s the master, that’s why.  He gets to choose how He behaves.  He gets to decide who He’s nice to.

And I get to do what He tells me to.

“Do as I say, not as I do, cunt.”  should be added to my list of rules, I think.  Cause it’s absolutely one of His favorite things to say to me.

P.S.  Just to be clear, I’m not saying Master doesn’t hold Himself to a high standard.  I’m not saying He’s rude to people (He almost never is.  Even if He doesn’t like them.), or irresponsible, or anything like that.  I’m simply saying He doesn’t have to be polite or responsible if He chooses not to.

P.P.S.  After posting this, Master read it and we discussed it.  He says He doesn’t hold me to a higher standard than He holds Himself.  He just holds me to a different one.  And He feels it should be that way, being that I’m a slave.  I agree.

One of the subjects you most often see discussed on kink blogs and forums is how hard it is to deal with certain parts of whatever life the author has chosen.  Things they could definitely do without.  And I’m no different.  I talk about the hard parts a lot.

I sometimes leave out the things that are really difficult for me.  I don’t even make clear just how hard they are to Master.  Because I feel like telling Him “I wish you’d do this more.” is enough.  He doesn’t need to know how badly I want it to make His decision.  All He needs to know is that I want it.  So making clear how badly I want it feels like manipulation to me.

I’m probably totally off base, though.  I usually am.

I’ve always been an affectionate slut with an oral fixation.  I’ve never been completely disheartened by my partners not wanting to go down on me.  I’m ridiculously self-conscious about my nether regions.  That I let them put their cocks in me was more than they had any right to expect from me.  And I can count on one hand the number of men (out of over thirty) who had a problem with that.  Because I tend to seek out the controlling, self-centered, selfish type.

But I love to feel hot hands and wet mouths and soft tongues all over my skin just as much as the next person.

Master loves to touch but He doesn’t have much of an oral fixation.  Matter of fact, it could be accurately described as nonexistent.  Add to His lack of interest the fact that I tend to piss Him off a LOT, and His belief that putting your mouth on someone is, in some respects, a submissive act (service, if you will), and you can probably guess how many times I’ve laid on the bed while He ravaged my body with His mouth.

For a while, that hurt.  And I think it added to my interest in putting my mouth on Him rapidly decreasing in the beginning of our relationship.  It’s only just recently started to get better.  I’m very much in the habit of “punishing” my partner for not fulfilling my needs.  So if you’re not gonna put your mouth on me, why the fuck should I put my mouth on you? Sans orders, that is.   Read more…