I read a post by kitti where she says:

“It’s scary because of the recent changes. I’m not sure he knows where our final destination is.”

That got me to thinking about Masters and their ultimate goals.

To be honest, I have no real destination in mind for rayne and I. Obviously, I will keep training her and continue to mold her into the slave I want. However, I have no specific goal in mind; no place I specifically want to be when we’re in our twilight years. There is just no check box labeled “Complete” in my mind.

A part of this is that, as people, we’re constantly changing. In the very beginning of our relationship the thought of having rayne service another man was abhorrent to me. At the time I felt there was no way I’d ever be comfortable with such a thing.

Then very soon after, while we were still initially discovering our sexuality together, an opportunity arose and I found that I wanted to take it. All in all it was a good experience and taught us both a lot. I would’ve never foreseen that had I thought about it just a year earlier.

I am still not the most spontaneous person in the world, but I’m sure rayne can attest to the fact that even in the years she’s known me I’ve changed a lot. I no longer need everything planned out in advance, and I’m able to “go with the flow” much more than I used to.

So what does that have to do with anything? I know there are things right now that I want to work on with rayne regarding her training. I’ll be working on verbal training via command words, for example, but the ultimate and final destination is still murky in my mind, and I’m finding that it sits just fine with me.

I find that it’s easier to concentrate on short and medium term goals, rather than stressing over the long term destination. I do think about the future, of course, but I’m flexible as far as how things turn out. One thing I know… I will be rayne’s Owner, Master and Husband, and rayne will be my property, slave and wife.

Anything in addition to that is just gravy.

It’s been over a week since I wrote Updates, G-spots and Resolutions, so I figured I’d write some updates. In short, I’m not doing too good at keeping them, thanks to my neverending work days, but it hasn’t been a total loss.

I did get a chance to take some pictures of rayne, and I’m hoping to take some more of her today (before, during, and post being beat with the knotty cat). I’m not having much luck with the twice a week resolution, but it’s still an improvement.

My blogging resolution is doing much better. This will be my second post in the past couple of weeks, which is a huge improvement over my normal once a year posting.

Everything else is still suffering, except for consistency. Despite my constantly busy work schedule, I’m still working on keeping my relationship with rayne fairly consistent. I’ve had to put off some of what I’ve wanted to do (such as the beating with the cat that she’ll be getting today), but for the most part I’ve been consistent with my expectations of her.

Which really brings me to something I had rayne post about already, which is that I work so much.

The company I work for has gone through alot of changes. I’ve always been a hard worker, which set the bar high for me from the beginning. In some ways, I did this to myself.

Read more…

“Look at it this way.  I am telling you to use your imagination to please me.  I won’t hold it against you or be angry with you.  It will give me pleasure for you to serve me. ”

In my most recent post I used butterflies to symbolize the change in my life.  I am starting to think I should get a butterfly permanently tattooed on my body because things are ever changing.  My relationship with Will is turning into something we never planned for or intended in the beginning.  The initial aim of our relationship was purely going to be platonic sex.  Well, we realized that there was much more there than just a relationship of casual sex.  We became and are lovers.  Now he has asked something of me that I never imagined.

He and I sat and talked in the sun room last weekend over coffee.  It’s what we do on a Sunday morning after I’ve spent the night with him.  We were just chatting and snuggling when I looked up at him and said with sincerity “you are the first person I have felt completely comfortable around.  You are the first person I have fully given myself to.”  He smiled and kissed me.  And it’s true.  I never gave myself fully to Tab because I didn’t trust him.  I never fully gave myself to anyone else, for that matter, because I never felt as though I could be free to be me.  I am highly complex and cannot be defined by even a conundrum of terms.  I have always had to reserve who I am and compromise for my partners of the past.  Things are different now.  Much different.

I have been friends with his wife for over a year now and she has seen my worst moments.  The ones before I moved back home to New Orleans.  She never once judged me and always encouraged me to be who I am, flaws and all.  I was always afraid to, but I found that living with these flaws and accepting them helped me to mend them and better myself.  When she and I met face to face about two months ago I was a different person and I am different even today.  The fact of the matter is that she is pretty much the only person that knew me then and stuck with me.  She is the first person I felt fully comfortable being me around.  And she still is along with her husband.

I have training in high protocol and service.  I learned from Gabriel while I was under his mentorship.  Granted, I haven’t learned everything I know from him, but a lot of my mannerisms and the way I hold myself come from him and being a member of his House.  When I fully let go, I am completely subservient.  Alright, mostly.  I still retain my attitude and my right to say “screw you, I am NOT blowing the dog.” Read more…

I have an intense fear of butterflies.  It is so bad that walking through a butterfly garden at the Zoo will make me cringe and want to crawl out of my skin.  I have never understood why I am so afraid of butterflies until last night.  Butterflies signify change and, quite frankly, I am afraid of most change.  The change that I am afraid of has nothing to do with a change in my life with new experiences and newly opened doors.  My fear has to do with the familiar things in my life changing.  And boy are they.

The family that I belong to is slowly falling apart and it is hurting my heart so very much.  I am not happy with what it has become and boiled down to.  All of the accusations of liars, backstabbers, hurt feelings, and he said/she said is getting to me.  There isn’t one moment when every person in the family is content and happy with the other.  That’s how a family is, I know, but this goes beyond just normal “I can’t stand you” nonsense.  This has to do with months of accumulation and lack of expression of feelings.  It has to do with there being disregard for those feelings.  It has to do with the fact that when I became a part of this House it was such a joy to my life.  Now, it has become something that I get quiet about and don’t really speak much about.

I first became a part of the House with my former Master, Tab.  He and I were welcomed with open arms and acceptance of who we are.  Neither he nor I have the experience our superiors have, but we were willing to learn.  Tab burned his bridges and was removed from the family, not because he ended our relationship.  The night after our break up, I was given protection, security, and a sense of hope that things would get better in my life.  The collar of protetion was my beam of light in the dark tunnel I had found myself feeling around.  His words and his love picked me up.  Everyone else showered me with love and affection.  I had a great family.  Everything was wonderful.

And then things began to change.

After the initial weekend of being a part of the family, things began to turn into something I never thought imaginable.  There was so much drama that I didn’t even know about that I had suddenly inherited.  And then the drama poured in to involve me when I had done nothing to deserve it, in my eye.  All I did was try to provide and do for my family as I was required to do.  And then one night I got the cold shoulder and was hurt in one of the most awful ways possible.  I was disregarded until the end of the night.  I hate feeling insignificant, I really do.

After much debate and thought, I have decided to make a change to my life.  A change that some of you probably did not see coming.  Read more…