I read a post by kitti where she says:

“It’s scary because of the recent changes. I’m not sure he knows where our final destination is.”

That got me to thinking about Masters and their ultimate goals.

To be honest, I have no real destination in mind for rayne and I. Obviously, I will keep training her and continue to mold her into the slave I want. However, I have no specific goal in mind; no place I specifically want to be when we’re in our twilight years. There is just no check box labeled “Complete” in my mind.

A part of this is that, as people, we’re constantly changing. In the very beginning of our relationship the thought of having rayne service another man was abhorrent to me. At the time I felt there was no way I’d ever be comfortable with such a thing.

Then very soon after, while we were still initially discovering our sexuality together, an opportunity arose and I found that I wanted to take it. All in all it was a good experience and taught us both a lot. I would’ve never foreseen that had I thought about it just a year earlier.

I am still not the most spontaneous person in the world, but I’m sure rayne can attest to the fact that even in the years she’s known me I’ve changed a lot. I no longer need everything planned out in advance, and I’m able to “go with the flow” much more than I used to.

So what does that have to do with anything? I know there are things right now that I want to work on with rayne regarding her training. I’ll be working on verbal training via command words, for example, but the ultimate and final destination is still murky in my mind, and I’m finding that it sits just fine with me.

I find that it’s easier to concentrate on short and medium term goals, rather than stressing over the long term destination. I do think about the future, of course, but I’m flexible as far as how things turn out. One thing I know… I will be rayne’s Owner, Master and Husband, and rayne will be my property, slave and wife.

Anything in addition to that is just gravy.

It’s been over a week since I wrote Updates, G-spots and Resolutions, so I figured I’d write some updates. In short, I’m not doing too good at keeping them, thanks to my neverending work days, but it hasn’t been a total loss.

I did get a chance to take some pictures of rayne, and I’m hoping to take some more of her today (before, during, and post being beat with the knotty cat). I’m not having much luck with the twice a week resolution, but it’s still an improvement.

My blogging resolution is doing much better. This will be my second post in the past couple of weeks, which is a huge improvement over my normal once a year posting.

Everything else is still suffering, except for consistency. Despite my constantly busy work schedule, I’m still working on keeping my relationship with rayne fairly consistent. I’ve had to put off some of what I’ve wanted to do (such as the beating with the cat that she’ll be getting today), but for the most part I’ve been consistent with my expectations of her.

Which really brings me to something I had rayne post about already, which is that I work so much.

The company I work for has gone through alot of changes. I’ve always been a hard worker, which set the bar high for me from the beginning. In some ways, I did this to myself.

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I wasn’t kidding when I said the only thing Master and I fight about these days is how much He works.  I know that, for the most part, it’s beyond His control.  I know that He doesn’t want to be working this much.  And I know it could be far, far worse.  He could be doing all those hours in the office.  Or He could be without a job.  But to be honest, it’s come to a point where knowing those things ceases being consolation.

I honestly would rather live on the street than have Him continue to live this way.  And I’ve lived on the street before, so I know exactly what I’m saying.

After Master suggested I write about how His job affects our relationship, I mentioned it to Cin and she said, “That should be lengthy.”  I guess I bitch just as much as I think I do about His job and how much it sucks.  But I responded, “And here I was thinking I had nothing to say.”

I can sum it up in four words.  His job touches everything.

I’m on my computer all day, every day when I’m not doing chores because He works all day, every day.  And as much as I’d love to say that when He’s working from home, I can sit at His feet all day and give Him massages and blow jobs and hand jobs and… The fact of the matter is, if I were to do that, He’d get nothing done.  Not to mention He’s on the phone more than anyone I’ve ever known.  Moaning and such in the middle of a conference call would certainly get Him fired.

Hmm… Now that’s an idea.

Master’s nonstop work schedule seriously fucks with Him.  He’s tired all the time.  He has no energy.  He almost never leaves the house.  He doesn’t have time to do the things He used to do to help make His mind stop or, at the very least, slow down, which means He’s constantly stressed out.  Spending so much time indoors lowers His immune system, so He’s been sick, lately, more than He has since I met Him.  Working so many overnights has His sleep schedule completely screwed up which exacerbates His already low energy level and iffy mental state.

Master’s got a few mental issues as well.  Who doesn’t, these days, you know? His are mostly anxiety related, though occasionally He dips into depression.  Usually when we’re having money problems or His sleep schedule is out of whack.  Read more…

Updates

We’ve recently applied alot of updates, so if anyone notices anything weird, please let us know. I’m pretty sure everything’s functioning correctly, but you never know.

That elusive spot

Over the past week another “study” was released saying that the g-spot may not biologically exist. At the moment that headline flew across my Twitter app, I knew there would be a ton of backlash. I got into a little discussion on Twitter about it, but it’s really hard to express thoughts 140 characters at a time.

In my mind, who really cares what the reports say. If that’s what gets you off, that’s what gets you off. Unless you’re a very gullible person, reports that the g-spot doesn’t exist isn’t going to change anything at all about your sex life.

What I assumed, correctly, is that it wouldn’t remain a scientific or biological issue, but would instead turn into a male/female issue, and that’s exactly what I saw happen. During the conversation on twitter, someone mentioned that men were always trying to tell women it’s all in their heads. And therein lies my issue with it.

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“Look at it this way.  I am telling you to use your imagination to please me.  I won’t hold it against you or be angry with you.  It will give me pleasure for you to serve me. ”

In my most recent post I used butterflies to symbolize the change in my life.  I am starting to think I should get a butterfly permanently tattooed on my body because things are ever changing.  My relationship with Will is turning into something we never planned for or intended in the beginning.  The initial aim of our relationship was purely going to be platonic sex.  Well, we realized that there was much more there than just a relationship of casual sex.  We became and are lovers.  Now he has asked something of me that I never imagined.

He and I sat and talked in the sun room last weekend over coffee.  It’s what we do on a Sunday morning after I’ve spent the night with him.  We were just chatting and snuggling when I looked up at him and said with sincerity “you are the first person I have felt completely comfortable around.  You are the first person I have fully given myself to.”  He smiled and kissed me.  And it’s true.  I never gave myself fully to Tab because I didn’t trust him.  I never fully gave myself to anyone else, for that matter, because I never felt as though I could be free to be me.  I am highly complex and cannot be defined by even a conundrum of terms.  I have always had to reserve who I am and compromise for my partners of the past.  Things are different now.  Much different.

I have been friends with his wife for over a year now and she has seen my worst moments.  The ones before I moved back home to New Orleans.  She never once judged me and always encouraged me to be who I am, flaws and all.  I was always afraid to, but I found that living with these flaws and accepting them helped me to mend them and better myself.  When she and I met face to face about two months ago I was a different person and I am different even today.  The fact of the matter is that she is pretty much the only person that knew me then and stuck with me.  She is the first person I felt fully comfortable being me around.  And she still is along with her husband.

I have training in high protocol and service.  I learned from Gabriel while I was under his mentorship.  Granted, I haven’t learned everything I know from him, but a lot of my mannerisms and the way I hold myself come from him and being a member of his House.  When I fully let go, I am completely subservient.  Alright, mostly.  I still retain my attitude and my right to say “screw you, I am NOT blowing the dog.” Read more…