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SJP#590: Do over?

If you knew then, what you know now… would that have changed any of your choices along the way?

I can’t think today. At all. So I thought I’d steal a prompt from Submissive Journal Prompts and see if I can’t pull my head together a bit. This will probably be a bit disjointed. My mind’s all fuzzy and shit.

I’ve learned so much since Master and I met but most of it is related to all walks of life, not just [[BDSM]]. Things I didn’t believe in have come into play. It’s amazing how much your opinions change with a bit of time and growth.

An example of this is unconditional love and the ability to be angry at someone’s actions without completely destroying the relationship you have with them.

For most of my life, I didn’t believe in unconditional love. I think part of it was because I was Christian. The church would always tell me “God’s love is unconditional.” in one breath and then in the next put all these conditions on it. They’d say “Even when you’re bad, God loves you. But if you’re bad you won’t go to Heaven.” And my adolescent brain just couldn’t get around that.

How could anyone, God included, in good conscience send someone they love to Hell? And if God would send me to Hell for being bad, then how could he claim he loves me unconditionally? And if the all-powerful being that is the Christian god can’t love unconditionally, how can anyone else?

Through my relationship with Master I’ve learned what unconditional love is and that He loves me unconditionally. I’ve learned that it’s possible to be angry over something He’s said or done (or anyone, for that matter) and not hate Him or allow the issue to destroy our relationship. I’ve learned that pretty much anything can be resolved with a little time and effort on both our parts. And I’ve learned that nothing is as easy as it seems first glance.

If I had known these things in the beginning, I would have tried much harder to stop the behaviors that got me attention in the past. The things that made the ex kiss my ass instead of fist-fighting with me for a time, made my friends in high school be more friend-like, made my family halt their busy routines long enough to listen to me scream my frustrations at them… I would have made more of an effort to see how negatively they affected our relationship and just plain stop it.

It’s a hard habit to break. Manipulation to get attention – any attention – became my way of life when my sister was born. But I’m working on it. And I’m getting better at it.

Thank you, Master, for loving me unconditionally. I know I don’t make it easy.

prompt found at SubmissiveGuide

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