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SJP#16: Reward for Service?

excellentserviceaward“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of reward.” – Antigonus of Sokho

Sometimes I feel like one of those prima donna actresses standing there with her hands on her hips and popping her gum going, “What’s my motivation?”  As if I don’t know the role and need some sort of reason to submit the way that works best for us.

Master gets busy or tired or sick or just plain sick of any sort of work (I won’t pretend owning me isn’t a full-time job/hassle.  I know it is.), the M/s part of our relationship will fall by the wayside and I’ll stand there all but saying, “Why should I submit?  What am I getting out of it?”

I won’t lie.  I absolutely expect to get something out of being a slave.  I expect to get a lot of things out of being a slave.  Some of them are relationship-specific.  Others I’d expect from any master who might own me in the event that Master should pass on or decide to give me away or sell me.

I expect to be controlled, appreciated, fulfilled.  I expect to be loved, wanted, protected.  I expect to be taught, molded, trained.

I think, once upon a time, I said I had no expectations.  I’m betting I was parroting something I was told in an IRC channel.  Back when I was trying to be everyone else’s definition of a true slave.  Back when I had my head up my ass.

It’s been really weird, lately, seeing things for what they are rather than looking at them through the cloud of self-interest that I’m so often stuck in.  And because of it, I’ve been ridiculously on point in my service.  My mouth got a little out of hand, but He said something and… I shut up.  Again.

I think maybe I’m a pod person.

I am, absolutely, the servant expecting rewards for her service.  I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be.  I’m pretty sure it goes against the kind of slave Master wants me to be.  But if I don’t feel like He cares…  If I don’t feel like He at least appreciates my service… Well, what’s the point, then?

I don’t do this for purely selfish reasons.  While I enjoy my role and am happy being a slave, I chose to be a slave because it’s what He wanted.  If He had wanted a submissive, that’s what I would have chosen.  If He’d only wanted a bottom, I’d have been His submissive in the bedroom.  I wanted to be whatever would make this man happy.  I still do.

But I need to know it matters.  I need to know He notices.  I think everyone does to some extent.  Whether they like to admit it or not.

The past couple days, Master’s been picking on me.  Like I said earlier, I’ve been ridiculously on point with my service.  Making sure His cup is full.  Bringing Him a napkin with His plate (I forget constantly.).  Making sure He has any condiments He needs.  Getting dinner ready without being told.  All with nary a rolled eye or huffy arm flap.

It’s been at least two weeks since He’s had to tell me what needed to be done throughout the day.  And while I’m still really down on myself right now, I’m finding that life’s so much easier when things just click.  When I stop fighting.  When my focus is where it should be.

And I didn’t even realize my focus was off until it came back.

prompt found at SubmissiveGuide

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  1. June 13th, 2009 at 08:46 | #1

    Here’s what I said over on Fet.

    There’s a lot to be said for giving up the expectations that I came with. That system of checks and balances that I used to carry in my head. A tit for tat or “when is it payday for me?” sort of thinking.

    Service became something a lot more genuine. Organic. (I don’t know if “organic” fits but I think it does so I’m using it!)

    Though that wasn’t an easy process for me. I struggled with it and I held onto believing that if I let go, I’d lose… something. Myself? I don’t know.

    But, it’s a lot more peaceful on this side. And those who say there is a “deeper” (for lack of a better word) sort of submission within it, aren’t pulling your leg. There really is. But you’ve (not you specific, you general) really got to genuinely let go of expecting that reward.

    However, having said all that, I am absolutely not an altruistic servant. I am not in this relationship merely to serve, or service, him. There is an exchange going on, I did come here to get certain needs met.

    I don’t know if it was just a matter of being able to let go of expecting certain kinds of rewards? Or when I would get them? Or if I just was able to find “reward” in something as simple as a smile, a grateful look, a stiff cock… or even slipping into bed beside him as he slept, peacefully and comfortably, and knowing I had something to do with that. A smooth running day? How huge of a reward is that?

    I still have my needs. I still crave bondage and pain and rough sex, dominance and rules and control. Those just aren’t my focus anymore, certainly not my “reward” for service. I’m not sure how to classify them anymore. Icing on the cake? Perks? I like them when I get them bt I am perfectly fine without them. Well, almost perfectly fine. A little wistful perhaps- but not so that I start to falter in my service anymore. They just aren’t connected like they used to be.

    We’re both happier that way.

    Added: “But I need to know it matters.”

    I do, too. I think what changed is knowing, believing within myself, that it matters without needing him to explicitly express that. Is it that you don’t value your submission? If you don’t, how can you believe that he does?

    Maybe those expectations of reward are better described as explicit expressions of being worthy?

    (‘scuse the armchair psychology moment. It’s gone now. 😀 )

  2. June 14th, 2009 at 10:31 | #2

    @kaya No, I like the armchair psychology moments. Keep ’em coming. Seriously. Sometimes I can’t get out of my own head long enough to view things from different perspectives. So having someone else point things out to me is helpful.

    I’m gonna think on that for a minute. The answer might be blog worthy. If so, I totally owe you one. My ideas for blogs have been few and far between lately.

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