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Increasing Intimacy

So I have trouble with intimacy.  No, really! I do!

Shut up.

I have trouble with intimacy and it seems like everyone knew it but me.

I should have known it.  Master’s been pointing it out since damn near day one.  My various therapists and psychiatrists used to ask me about it constantly.  And friends always act surprised when I touch them.  Even accidentally.

I think I assumed since I really, really like sex I couldn’t possibly have problems with intimacy.  But, I guess if I’m to look at it honestly, how I view sex, in and of itself, could be considered a coping mechanism.  A way to still participate in something I thoroughly enjoy without getting all squicked out by that whole intimacy thing.

Have I even mentioned that, for me, sex is sex? There is no intimacy or emotion involved in sex for me.  The only exception, ever, has been with Master.  And even then, if I feel like I have to, I can shut it off.

Like when His sadism travels down the emotional road.  I can snip that invisible cord that attaches my heart to our sexcapades and reattach it at will.  That’s probably a good thing.  And it’s definitely something He’s worked hard at developing.

In an attempt to increase the sensuality in our sex life and decrease the amount of trouble I have with intimacy, I’ve been spending a lot of time going through sensual products at Eden Fantasys because I had a $50 gift card there burning a hole in my pocket.  It now has $0.02 left on it.

I’ve been eying the Treasure Trove Gift Tin in Strawberries and Champagne by Kama Sutra since I worked at The Earth Shop seven years ago.  We sold it there but the price was outrageous.  Something crazy like $70.

Back then, I wasn’t sure Master would go for it.  And definitely not on His dime when He wasn’t even sure He’d be interested and we were strapped for cash.  So I didn’t even broach the subject.

Lately, though, we’ve been putting a lot of focus on me being more intimate.  Not forced intimacy or anything like that.  But, you know… Little things that make me more comfortable being intimate.

Like the other night when He just, for no reason at all, turned and hugged me.  That was pretty cool.  Or how, when we’re playing, He’ll be sure to stroke my back or thighs or butt or even just kiss me or hold me.  He stopped doing that for a while.  Course, I stopped behaving at all for a while so I’m not sure I blame Him.

So this weekend and last we discussed things we could buy and/or I could request for review that would help bring me out of my shell.  That would help bring us back together.  That would get us both back into a less frantic, less rushed, less violent frame of mind.  I think if we could bludgeon each other to death without actually harming each other we’d have done it ten times over in the past few months.

I put together a small list of items I’m really excited to try.  We bought some of them.  The others will wait for another day and another gift card.  I’ll keep ya posted on how it works out.

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