Home > rayne > As luck would have it, I’m the luckiest slave alive.

As luck would have it, I’m the luckiest slave alive.

September 26th, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

One of the subjects you most often see discussed on kink blogs and forums is how hard it is to deal with certain parts of whatever life the author has chosen.  Things they could definitely do without.  And I’m no different.  I talk about the hard parts a lot.

I sometimes leave out the things that are really difficult for me.  I don’t even make clear just how hard they are to Master.  Because I feel like telling Him “I wish you’d do this more.” is enough.  He doesn’t need to know how badly I want it to make His decision.  All He needs to know is that I want it.  So making clear how badly I want it feels like manipulation to me.

I’m probably totally off base, though.  I usually am.

I’ve always been an affectionate slut with an oral fixation.  I’ve never been completely disheartened by my partners not wanting to go down on me.  I’m ridiculously self-conscious about my nether regions.  That I let them put their cocks in me was more than they had any right to expect from me.  And I can count on one hand the number of men (out of over thirty) who had a problem with that.  Because I tend to seek out the controlling, self-centered, selfish type.

But I love to feel hot hands and wet mouths and soft tongues all over my skin just as much as the next person.

Master loves to touch but He doesn’t have much of an oral fixation.  Matter of fact, it could be accurately described as nonexistent.  Add to His lack of interest the fact that I tend to piss Him off a LOT, and His belief that putting your mouth on someone is, in some respects, a submissive act (service, if you will), and you can probably guess how many times I’ve laid on the bed while He ravaged my body with His mouth.

For a while, that hurt.  And I think it added to my interest in putting my mouth on Him rapidly decreasing in the beginning of our relationship.  It’s only just recently started to get better.  I’m very much in the habit of “punishing” my partner for not fulfilling my needs.  So if you’re not gonna put your mouth on me, why the fuck should I put my mouth on you? Sans orders, that is.  

Master just answered that question.  He said, “You’re a slave.”  And He’s right.  I mean, I did, recently and publicly, label myself a pleasure slave.  I better get to pleasuring.

Who am I kidding? It still hurts sometimes.  It’s part of the reason I’m not much into porn that doesn’t completely degrade the women involved.  Seeing two strangers on a screen engage in more sensuality than I’ve seen in my vast sexual career is depressing.

A friend of mine, when we discuss where M and I would like to be, keeps telling me I’m trying too hard.  That I have this unattainable ideal of what our relationship should be like and that I should be happy with what I’ve got.  And I’m so damned mean I want to tell her she only thinks that cause she’s single.

But maybe she’s right.  At least in this case.  Maybe I should be happy I have a man who loves to touch me and who occasionally, even if very rarely, puts His mouth on me.

I know my situation could be so much worse.  I could have ended up with an owner who didn’t care for me at all.  Who wanted only property.  Who didn’t much care whether I smiled or not.  I was on that path when I met Master.

Instead, I’m married to and owned by a man who lives and breathes for my smile (He thinks I don’t know that.  Shh.).  Who’s crushed when I’m pouting.  Especially over something He inadvertently did.  Who enjoys my happiness almost as much as I enjoy His.

And ya know? That’s what makes it so damn hard to communicate the things that bother me to Him?

I know how lucky I am.  How much my happiness means to Him.  How, when I’m behaving and bringing Him pleasure, He breathes my pleasure in like a drug.  And it’s more painful to watch His face fall and hear the hurt in His voice when He tries to talk to me about it than it is to just get over (or ignore) whatever’s bothering me.

And I know what He goes through within Himself for feeling that way.  About a slave, no less.

I’ve had to learn to accept that no matter how much I want something, I might be denied.  That’s a tough pill to swallow.  But ya know? He makes it so easy to be happy suffering for Him.

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  1. September 29th, 2009 at 11:55 | #1

    There are many things I want to say to this post, it struck a cord with me because I often feel the same.

    It is so hard to begin these kinds of conversations, to see their face fall, to know that there is pain there that you have caused just by opening your mouth when you could have kept it shut. And the apology – for me that’s what hurts the worse, when they apologise for something they had no idea they were doing wrong or for something that really isn’t a fault just an expression of a wish!

    At the same time though I know that every time I have had one of these hard conversations with him it has freed me a little inside and added to the deep trust we have in one another. So I ask if you wouldn’t hesitate to give him your safety word when things go too far why should you hesitate to tell him something that is hurting you emotionally?

    For me D/S isn’t just about his pleasure but ours too – there can’t be domination without submission and vise versa and knowing how your partner ticks is a vital component. If he feels the act is too submissive for him talk about ways you can make it more dominating – positioning you above him so he doesn’t have to be lower than you, tying you up, making you work for a reward etc – your imagination is the limit I feel.

    You can also think of it this way: Knowing how much you like something is a greater punishment or means of control than knowing how much you don’t like something. Would it not feel better for you knowing that he is holding it back from you because he knows you like it rather than because he is ignorant?

    Just some thoughts xx

  2. August 13th, 2010 at 15:35 | #2

    I really encourage you to read this post again, and again, and again, and still some more. You’re going through a really tough time right now with your emotions, and you need to see yourself at a time when things were more positive in your mind’s eye. I love you and kisses!

  1. September 26th, 2009 at 16:04 | #1
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