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“Master Philosophy” and Cornering Myself

September 29th, 2009

FraidyCatGah.  I eventually apologize to everyone.  Even when I wasn’t wrong.  It’s pathetic.  Cin’s not letting me do it this time.  Thanks, Cin.

Anyway…

I’m clumsy.  And spacey.  And I was born blond.  Common sense? Yeah, it’s not always my forte.

So neither of us was too incredibly surprised when I dumped the entire single-pot bag of coffee into our freshly cleaned coffee maker this morning.  What’s wrong with that, you ask? Our coffee maker doesn’t need an entire single-pot bag of coffee when it’s freshly cleaned.  It only needs, probably, 2/3 – 3/4 of the bag.

True to form, Master felt the need to lecture me as He does every time I make a mistake, spill something, trip or run into something.

Do any of your men do this? It’s so frustrating sometimes.  I mean, I know I’m clumsier than the average bear without someone pointing it out all the time.  Like I said: I’m clumsy.  And spacey.  And I was born blond.  Common sense? Yeah, it’s not always my forte.

So I turned to Him and said, “Do you really have to lecture me every time I make a mistake? What am I? Five?”

“No. You’re dis many.” He held up six fingers.  “And of course I do.  I’m male.”

~blink~

So the other day, I was reading this blog post by this person who I cannot stand.  Don’t ask me why I read her.  Maybe to make myself feel better about myself? Maybe to torture myself with the fact that people, for some bizarre reason, don’t see who she and her partner really are? I don’t know.  But read her I do.

And this time, she made sense.  I’m not sure how much of what she said I believe is true about her.  But I guess that’s not really important.  What’s important is that she showed me something about myself.

Something I didn’t realize until this morning when I had to back myself into the wall to fall back asleep.

Being trapped makes me feel safe.  Having no way out makes me feel secure.

I am absolutely the dizzy blond in the horror flick who backs herself into a corner and then looks surprised when she dies in the end.  The one who, instead of lurching through the giant opening left by her ax-carrying pursuer to the open door, runs up the stairs and locks herself in her room.  The one who hides in the closet trying not to breathe and is dumbfounded when she’s found.

I don’t understand it.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Logically, I know that if there’s an opening, I should take it.  If I have a way out of a bad situation (or a really good one that scares me), I should run, headlong, toward it until I’m free.  But instead, I back into the wall.  And once I’m there, I try to negotiate my way out of it.

“Well, Mr. Scary Monster Serial Killer, if you’d just move a little to the right, put down your ax, hop on one foot and sing Good Ship Lollipop…  No, I promise I won’t run, but doing that will make me feel so much better about you eating me…  Well, yes, I realize it’s difficult to eat a squirming idiot female while hopping on one foot, but which would you prefer? Me just allowing you eat me or fighting and possibly escaping?”

I’m not sure what’s more fun.  The chase, being caught or screwing myself over.  I mean, knowing that I could have gotten away and didn’t even try is just as hot to me as trying to get away and losing.

So… I like to be trapped.  Is that weird?

Oh… And in case anyone was wondering, the coffee was fine.

  1. September 29th, 2009 at 09:36 | #1

    I was just talking to a friend over the weekend about how much MORE clumsy we seem to get when they are in the room with us. I could go all day without dropping/tripping/spilling a thing, he walks in and I’m all thumbs.

    So, yanno, the conclusion we came to is it’s their fault.

    *beams*

  2. September 29th, 2009 at 10:55 | #2

    Rayne,

    No, that’s not weird. That’s submissive ans slavey. I guess you’ll have to live with being a natural slave. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s a burden, but someone has to bear it, why not you. 😉

    Oh, and as for coffee, at least you don’t do what my dad did with his percolator, and just add more grounds each day until the hopper was full. By friday, he had put in *12* scoops of grounds.

    Dave

  3. September 29th, 2009 at 11:00 | #3

    For me personally, I tend to get more clumsy and have little “accidents” like running into a door frame or hitting my toe on the leg of some piece of furniture when it has been a while since I got a good ‘beating’. Seems the interaction of having Sir spank or beat me tends to refocus me and I go for sometimes quite a while before starting the cycle of ‘clumsy’ over again.

  4. September 29th, 2009 at 11:36 | #4

    Just stumbled across you, so hope you don’t mind a random comment!

    Out of interest have you ever thought you could be dyspraxic – as one of the ‘symptoms’ is poor spatial awareness and being extremely clumsy? I only found out a year ago that I was myself and it just made me feel a little better about things (although I do feel the government are using it as a scapegoat for people that just learn differently from what they consider ‘normal’ *ahem*) and a lot of what you say in your post rings true with stuff I was told was ‘dyspraxic’

    I.e. things like me not being able to deal with change and the need for rigid structure – I will cling to something familiar (the inside of the closet, after all I know it very well…) even when its totally not in my best interests (oh hello mr monster…) so medically you could be explained away if that makes you feel better about it…

    …Of course I also adhere to the theory that once you have a master there is part of you so overwhelmed by him that certain bits of you cease to function properly when he is in the room… backed up by the theory that there is always going to be that seed of naughtiness tucked down somewhere that trips you up just so you can be put back in your place… repeatedly… *grin*

  5. September 29th, 2009 at 11:56 | #5

    @Lypiphera Thanks but I’ve been this way my whole life so I’m pretty accepting of it. Don’t really need an explanation (and definitely don’t need another diagnosis) so much as a way to decrease the amount of “accidents” I have.

    And really, when I go slow and pay attention to my surroundings – rather than just barreling through as is my way – I’m usually okay. Not always, but most of the time.

    I’m not really sure where you’re getting that I have trouble with change. I mean, sure, I stumble when there are new rules. But who doesn’t, really? Old habits die hard and, while I believe you can teach an old dog new tricks, it’s not an overnight process.

    The needing structure thing could be attributed to any number of diagnoses. However, it’s probably more a product of being raised by an extremely strict, Southern Baptist military man from Texas.

    And as for the subconsciously getting in trouble to be put back in my place thing? Who knows, really? Is it possible? Sure. Do I want it to be true? No! Who would? But who cares? It works for us.

    Thanks so much for your comment. 🙂 (And just in case anyone’s confused, that was honest gratitude, not sarcasm. I know sometimes, with me, it’s difficult to tell.)

  6. Joji
    September 29th, 2009 at 16:18 | #6

    I get this post alot, more specifically the first half. I have that problem. I’m clumsy. I’m absent minded. And just sometimes really slow. My ex used to point this out to me and tease me about it constantly. So I feel you. Master will laugh at my faults but hes gracious enough not to remind me of them unnecessarily.

  7. cinnamon
    September 29th, 2009 at 21:22 | #7

    You’re Welcome! 🙂 I don’t usually spill things, but two left feet I do have, and I have never known why those damn door ways keep moving on me! lol, ah well, I have yet to knock myself out, so I’m still doing good.

    Ya know, I totally love the fact that you sometimes eliminate the need for me to make my own post, by explaining it perfectly for me. I like your words better anyway!

    I love you! Big fucking kiss punkin!

  8. October 2nd, 2009 at 11:46 | #8

    @kaya I’m so telling Him that next time I trip over something that’s not there. “Kaya said it’s your fault.” =D

    @thepinkpoppet Ooo… Or I could use that excuse and get tortured. *ponders* Let’s see… get Kaya beat or get me beat? Why not both? =D

    @dweaver999 I am so not a true slave. I am utterly appalled that you would even suggest such a thing. Oh… wait. That was a compliment, huh? ~grins~

    My mom used to do that with the coffee. She’s bizarre. I think that’s where I get it from.

  9. cinnamon
    October 2nd, 2009 at 15:35 | #9

    Oh yeah, I forgot. YES, Master lectures me ALL the time, and it’s not just me, he lectures everyone! I think he’s just wired to talk incessantly! lol (I’m so gonna get in trouble for that one)

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