Home > rayne > Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

I was leaning over the dining room chair, the palm of my right hand resting on my mouse as I tried to put on a new episode of Boston Legal.  He was sitting on the couch, leaning toward me, crop in hand, assaulting my ass and thighs.

I knew that if I could just get the episode started and sit down, He’d stop.  Mostly.  But every time I’d work the cursor over to the play button, He’d speed up, or hit me harder, and I’d miss again and have to start all over.

Without even thinking, I leaped out of reach and put the chair between us.  And then that horrible “D” word fell from His lips.

“That’s disappointing.  You’re just going to take yourself away from me? That’s… disappointing.”

I have a bunch of friends who scoff at their owner’s disappointment.  They feel like it’s no big deal.  Bully for them.  Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

I’m a slave.  Owned property.  And I am what I am because I asked to be, not because anyone forced me to be.  With that comes expectations I am supposed to try my damnedest to live up to.  If Master is disappointed in me, I fell short of meeting those expectations.  If it were unintentional… If I was doing my best, and just wasn’t capable of doing what He asked of me, that would be a different story.  But when it’s simply disobedience?

I started crying almost immediately.  And apologizing.  Over and over.

He mostly ignored me, making comments on the show.  And with every ignored apology, I began to get more and more frantic.  More and more apologetic.  Until finally, He told me to shut up and watch television.

When we went to bed, I didn’t hesitate.  The second He crawled in beside me, I sidled up to Him and began to kiss and lick His body.  And before too long, with tears streaming down my face, I whispered, “Master, I am sorry.  Please forgive me.”

“You were good for two things, Rayne.  Now I only have half a slave.”

I was crushed.

I don’t remember much of the conversation.  I was too busy trying to convince Him I wanted to make it up to Him by licking and kissing and sucking and massaging every part of His body I could reach.  His neck and chest and arms and legs and cock and balls and…

And then He said, “You can have my cum, but if you want my forgiveness, you’re going to have to hurt.  And you’re going to have to kiss me and take care of my cock just as well as you are right now.  You think you can do that?”

“Yes, Master.”  I nodded vigorously.

“Get the wooden paddle and get out here.”  And with that, He was off the bed and sitting on the couch.  It was too late at night for the kind of beating He had in mind to take place in the bedroom, what with the neighbors’ bedroom sharing a wall with ours.

The first couple of strokes were more than I was expecting, or ready to handle, but when I tried to rear up, He tightened His grip and held me down.  It wasn’t long before He repositioned me and crammed His cock down my throat while continuing to beat me.  And I have no idea how long it was (it felt like forever) before he sent me back to the bedroom.

At first, I just sat there, unsure what He wanted me to do.  He’d sort of told me.  I was just lost somewhere between being angry with myself and heartbroken.

At some point, He told me to sit on His cock, but I wasn’t allowed to move.  I had to just sit there while He took His pleasure from me.  And then, when He’d had His fill, He sent me back to licking and sucking His cock.

Before that He’d finger fucked me for His own enjoyment.  Doesn’t that sound funny? Finger fucking my pussy for His enjoyment.  But when He stuck His hand between my legs and found my cunt dripping, even though we both knew the beating I’d taken was well beyond the realm of what I enjoy, He stuffed His fingers inside.  And His cock thickened, if that’s even possible.

When it was over… When I’d made up for my transgression and He was spent, I sat in the dark beside Him and cried.  I wanted to curl up in His arms, as I so often do when I step out of line, and just sob.  But I was too embarrassed by my behavior.  So instead, I sat there in the dark, my face turned away from Him, and tried to cry quietly.

Sniffles always give me away.

Today He says I shouldn’t dwell.  That I have been punished and made up for it.  And that it’s time to move on.

I know that by not doing that, I’m being disobedient.  I just feel so wretched.

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  1. March 25th, 2010 at 21:51 | #1

    Rayne,

    I think I would have felt the same way, if I had been in your position; having disappointed Him like that. I recall when I was about 13 or so, I was caught shoplifting. My mom came down to the Safeway store and walked me home, after assuring the manager that my behavior would be dealt with. She didn’t even have to say it; I could see the disappointment in her face. The dreaed words, “Wait until your father gets home,” came from her mouth. I instantly felt 100 times worse.

    What most people don’t understand is that I felt worse because my punishment, my atonement, was delayed. I felt guilty and like I was a piece of shit, and I was forced to wallow in that feeling for another 5 hours. Yes, the spanking I got that night was horrible. Yes, it left marks that lasted for days. Yes, I was in pain every time I sat down for days. (No, the last three sentences weren’t to arouse anyone) But, I was thankful in the end, because it was over. I was forgiven and all was back on an even keel again.

    As kids, we seem to have that ability to accept forgivenness and move on. Soething happens on the way to adulthood, and some of us lose that ability, as you seem to have. Partly, I think it happens because we run into too many people who do, in fact, hold the past against us. We subtly start to believe that’s the way it should be. Of course, some of us come from families where forgive and forget were cute little myths that no one really believed or acted on.

    In many ways, a Master/slave relationship is similar to a Parent/child one. Melen gives you expectations for your behaviors, and either overtly or implied, sets out consequences for failing at those expectations. If you screw up, he punishes you and you move on, either chastised or having learned the lesson (however imperfectly). I can’t say it any clearer that Melen did: It’s done with, move on and learn from this lesson. To wallow is to refuse to learn. Your background has set you up to not learn here.

    Living on the street as you did, subjected you to an entire sub-society where holding the past over you was the norm. There’s no forgiveness on the street, not from the pushers, pimps, druggies and other users that teem more openly than they do in other, more “upscale” segments. Hell, on the street, I suspect as often as not, one doesn’t live past one’s mistakes. But, Rayne, Melen is not one of those users. Melen is someone who will, in fact, forgive you and move on. He loves you and wants what’s best for you. That’s why he gives you the ownership and sadism you need to be the complete person you are today.

    Let it go, my friend, let it go. Resolve to not do it again, and let it go.

    Dave

  2. March 25th, 2010 at 23:19 | #2

    You know… I’m not a fan of mixing sex with punishment, there a few reasons but they’re not important.

    What I really got out of this was that crushing feeling of being useless to yoru Master and being a dissapointment. I’m sort of going through that righ now with my Master too. I’ve gotte real cocky and my focus shifted, and the worse thing is I didn’t realize what a dissapointment I was, I was totaly unaware of His displeasure.

    So it was nice to relate to this. My Master and I are not real-life, but it’s th ebst I have right now, and it’s very real. Please stop by my journal any time, your insight would be appreciated.

    http://tigress-saphi.webs.com/

    ~ saphi{X}

  3. March 26th, 2010 at 07:48 | #3

    dweaver999 :
    Resolve to not do it again, and let it go.

    That’s what He said, too. Thanks, Dave. 🙂

  4. March 26th, 2010 at 07:53 | #4

    saphi{X} :

    You know… I’m not a fan of mixing sex with punishment, there a few reasons but they’re not important.

    What I really got out of this was that crushing feeling of being useless to yoru Master and being a dissapointment. I’m sort of going through that righ now with my Master too. I’ve gotte real cocky and my focus shifted, and the worse thing is I didn’t realize what a dissapointment I was, I was totaly unaware of His displeasure.

    So it was nice to relate to this. My Master and I are not real-life, but it’s th ebst I have right now, and it’s very real. Please stop by my journal any time, your insight would be appreciated.

    http://tigress-saphi.webs.com/

    ~ saphi{X}

    To be honest, the way Master handled it was probably the best way He could have. Another way might not have gotten the point across.

    Don’t beat yourself up too bad about not knowing your owner was displeased. Since your relationship is currently online, if he didn’t mention it, it may have been impossible for you to have known. I mean, psychic ability doesn’t come with the freeware version of BDSM. At least, last I checked. 🙂

    Thanks for your comment. I’ll be sure to stop by. 🙂

  5. March 26th, 2010 at 08:40 | #5

    Good post, Rayne.

  6. March 26th, 2010 at 08:57 | #6

    @Sir Thanks 🙂

  7. March 28th, 2010 at 02:43 | #7

    Thanks!

    Hey, you should list me in your blogs list, and I’ll add a link to your!
    I’ll be keeping up.

  8. March 28th, 2010 at 14:14 | #8

    Although the Cap’n and I never mix punishment with sex (FOR US, punishment should be something that is not enjoyed or liked in the least)I truly understand that feeling of having disappointed your Dominant. It is the epitome of heartache to feel as if you have let them down. A good post. Hugs.

  9. Grandmaster Lash
    April 10th, 2010 at 06:17 | #9

    At paragraph one I was lauughing…by paragraph 9 I was feeling a rise…by paragraph 13 I was rock hard!
    What an amazing read!
    As a blogger, you have TAL-ENT!

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