Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.
I was leaning over the dining room chair, the palm of my right hand resting on my mouse as I tried to put on a new episode of Boston Legal. He was sitting on the couch, leaning toward me, crop in hand, assaulting my ass and thighs.
I knew that if I could just get the episode started and sit down, He’d stop. Mostly. But every time I’d work the cursor over to the play button, He’d speed up, or hit me harder, and I’d miss again and have to start all over.
Without even thinking, I leaped out of reach and put the chair between us. And then that horrible “D” word fell from His lips.
“That’s disappointing. You’re just going to take yourself away from me? That’s… disappointing.”
I have a bunch of friends who scoff at their owner’s disappointment. They feel like it’s no big deal. Bully for them. Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.
I’m a slave. Owned property. And I am what I am because I asked to be, not because anyone forced me to be. With that comes expectations I am supposed to try my damnedest to live up to. If Master is disappointed in me, I fell short of meeting those expectations. If it were unintentional… If I was doing my best, and just wasn’t capable of doing what He asked of me, that would be a different story. But when it’s simply disobedience?
I started crying almost immediately. And apologizing. Over and over.
He mostly ignored me, making comments on the show. And with every ignored apology, I began to get more and more frantic. More and more apologetic. Until finally, He told me to shut up and watch television.
When we went to bed, I didn’t hesitate. The second He crawled in beside me, I sidled up to Him and began to kiss and lick His body. And before too long, with tears streaming down my face, I whispered, “Master, I am sorry. Please forgive me.”
“You were good for two things, Rayne. Now I only have half a slave.”
I was crushed.
I don’t remember much of the conversation. I was too busy trying to convince Him I wanted to make it up to Him by licking and kissing and sucking and massaging every part of His body I could reach. His neck and chest and arms and legs and cock and balls and…
And then He said, “You can have my cum, but if you want my forgiveness, you’re going to have to hurt. And you’re going to have to kiss me and take care of my cock just as well as you are right now. You think you can do that?”
“Yes, Master.” I nodded vigorously.
“Get the wooden paddle and get out here.” And with that, He was off the bed and sitting on the couch. It was too late at night for the kind of beating He had in mind to take place in the bedroom, what with the neighbors’ bedroom sharing a wall with ours.
The first couple of strokes were more than I was expecting, or ready to handle, but when I tried to rear up, He tightened His grip and held me down. It wasn’t long before He repositioned me and crammed His cock down my throat while continuing to beat me. And I have no idea how long it was (it felt like forever) before he sent me back to the bedroom.
At first, I just sat there, unsure what He wanted me to do. He’d sort of told me. I was just lost somewhere between being angry with myself and heartbroken.
At some point, He told me to sit on His cock, but I wasn’t allowed to move. I had to just sit there while He took His pleasure from me. And then, when He’d had His fill, He sent me back to licking and sucking His cock.
Before that He’d finger fucked me for His own enjoyment. Doesn’t that sound funny? Finger fucking my pussy for His enjoyment. But when He stuck His hand between my legs and found my cunt dripping, even though we both knew the beating I’d taken was well beyond the realm of what I enjoy, He stuffed His fingers inside. And His cock thickened, if that’s even possible.
When it was over… When I’d made up for my transgression and He was spent, I sat in the dark beside Him and cried. I wanted to curl up in His arms, as I so often do when I step out of line, and just sob. But I was too embarrassed by my behavior. So instead, I sat there in the dark, my face turned away from Him, and tried to cry quietly.
Sniffles always give me away.
Today He says I shouldn’t dwell. That I have been punished and made up for it. And that it’s time to move on.
I know that by not doing that, I’m being disobedient. I just feel so wretched.