And besides, generally speaking, a sex toy site isn’t rated G.
It’s weird, after going through the motions of cutting off all ties with someone you can no longer deal with, noticing all the little things you picked up from them. Especially when you swore you’d never be like them.
I’m finding myself annoyed with some of the restrictions people seem to put on reviews. Not just their own reviews, but other people’s reviews, as well.
Disclaimer: I can’t really talk about this without it sounding like I’m pointing fingers, so I’m just gonna say it. The opinions I discuss in this post are opinions held by me and other reviewers, not (to my knowledge) the companies I review for. Please believe me when I say I mean no offense to anyone. I just don’t agree with what they’re saying.
I understand that a “description review”, on that store you can’t trust, is supposed to read like an objective overview of the toy. The sole purpose is to describe the toy’s quality, features and uses. Opinionated reviews are mostly unwelcome, and humor and entertainment are mostly unnecessary. I get why, and I agree with it.
I also understand why people aren’t really interested in reading erotica in a review. They’re not reading the review to hear about our sexcapades. They’re reading it to see if the toy is something they might like to try, and if it’s worth the price. And really, you don’t have to get all down into the nitty-gritty to answer those questions.
But now I’m seeing people (not everyone) saying we shouldn’t swear at all, and we should only use technical terms for our various parts, and our grammar should be damn near perfect, and we should leave the humor and sarcasm at the door, and…
One person even (sort of) suggested we shouldn’t include our personal opinion of the toy in any reviews. As if that’s not at least half the point.
I have five reasons for doing reviews.
- Free sex toys! – What? You didn’t think my reasons were completely altruistic, did you?
- Exploring my sexuality with my partner – I’ve progressed by leaps and bounds when it comes to embarrassment surrounding masturbation, and my issues with intimacy are steadily getting better. It’s possible we could have achieved this without sex toys. But if it works, it works, you know?
- Helping others get over the idea that exploring one’s sexuality is “bad” – A great many of the reviewers have been extremely helpful in my quest for a less anxiety-filled sex life. (Thanks, y’all. Seriously.) Some of them know who they are, and some probably never will because I’m too shy to say hello. And I want to give back some of what’s been given to me.
- It’s fun! – Not just the trying of the toy, and occasionally, that’s no fun at all. But I genuinely enjoy writing the reviews and interacting with the community when I can overcome my shyness long enough to speak up.
- Oh, and… free sex toys! 😀
Shut up. Free sex toys does so too count twice.
I can’t really see anyone, aside from our die hard scientists and technical gurus, enjoying reading a review completely devoid of pizazz. I’m certainly not going to read a review that reads like a textbook. My short attention span won’t allow it. I have a hard enough time getting through the really fun ones!
Knowing myself like I do, I have to say there’s no way in hell I would have joined any review programs if all the reviews I read prior to jumping on the band wagon were completely technical in nature. I like my writing to be fun. Fun for me to write, and fun for my audience to read. And nonstop technical jargon just isn’t fun for me.
Besides that, every single company I review for encourages its reviewers to have fun with their reviews. To be entertaining. To let their true selves show. And most of all, to be honest.
I’ll admit, I try to tone down my weirdness and rambliness (I just made that word up, by the way) a bit for reviews. I don’t rip companies or toys apart like I would if I were having a private conversation about them. I’m not quite as much of a smart ass, and I curb as much of my sarcasm as I can. But that’s because sometimes people walk away from my normal writing style with absolutely no idea of what I’m trying to say, and that would sort of defeat the purpose in a review.
But honestly? I’m thirty years old, and I was raised by a horde of (occasionally drunken) sailors. Sometimes, every other word out of my mouth is “fuck”. Literally. Not only when I’m angry, and definitely not because I’m not intelligent enough to think of another way to express myself.
If I want to say (or type, as the case may be) shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits, I’m gonna. Unless they’re being spit at you with all the venom of a rattlesnake, they’re just words. I usually don’t feel the need to swear in writing unless I’m really excited or upset, emphasizing a point or writing dialogue. Excluding, of course, the blog, but that’s because here I try to write like I’m having a conversation with a friend. And I swear a lot when I’m talking to friends. Sometimes, I don’t even notice I’m doing it. But I’m certainly not going to refrain from occasionally slipping a “Hot damn!” or “This toy’s the shit!” into a review or two because it offends the delicate sensibilities of a full-grown adult who should have long since gained the wisdom to know the difference between just talking and being intentionally offensive.
I’m also not going to refrain from “taking the lord’s name in vain” when I feel the need, either. Your god is not my god.
And for the record, before anyone gets it twisted, I don’t take offense to the idea that if you swear a little, a lot, or at all, you mustn’t be all that smart. I know it’s a load of malarkey. If it were true, that would mean there are very few accomplished writers with any intelligence, and damn near all the books in the world should be burned, including, but not limited to, The Bible, Webster’s Dictionary, and Encyclopedia Britannica. All our judges are morons. We seriously need to take all the licenses of all our doctors. Our rocket scientists should have never graduated from college.
Hell, our Vice President is the biggest idiot of them all. He said fuck on TV!!! ZOMGZ!!!!!! We should totally cut his head off! He’s defiled the Vice Presidency with a foul word. And how dare President Obama actually laugh?! Who the fuck does he think he is??!
(I don’t care what the anti-Obama/Biden crowd says. I will not agree that, at 68, jumbling his words occasionally, and accidentally saying “fuck” on television means Vice President Biden is a moron. We all jumble our words occasionally, especially under pressure, and there are very few people alive over the age of 9 who haven’t said “fuck” in public. When he starts calling astronauts “spatial entrepreneurs”, we’ll talk, k?)
And really? We shouldn’t be posting skin in reviews on our personal sex blogs? Really??!?
I’ll agree there should be a warning if we do, but shouldn’t ever? I really can’t get behind that.
Bottom line, these things we’re reviewing? In case you missed the memo, they’re sex toys. They’re reviewed by (for the most part, but not entirely) sex bloggers. And off site reviews are often posted on websites that are based entirely on the author’s sexcapades. Seriously… “If you can’t take the heat, get yo’ ass out the kitchen. We on a mission.” (Coolio, 1994)
(And please, for gods’ sake, don’t come to my site. It’ll burn your eyes out, or something. Cuz I’m pretty open about my sexcapades. And they’re pretty kinky. Bizarre, even.)
Oh, whoops. I already closed the sarcasm tag.