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What if…?

You know, it’s funny.  Our relationship quite often cycles the way an abusive relationship is said to.  If someone who didn’t know us were on the outside looking in, only seeing things from a third person limited perspective, not being able to read M’s mind or know what He’s thinking without asking Him directly, it could come off as an abusive relationship.

M knew how I was feeling.  I’d told Him a couple of times over the course of a few days.

And He likes playing mind games. 

He’s a sadist and an alpha male.  He openly admits He cannot be in a relationship with someone without being in control of them.  He openly admits that He enjoys hurting His significant other.  Not always physically or for the purpose of sex, though it often eventually leads to that because hurting someone and having sex are inextricably intertwined for Him (one of the many reasons we’ve been trying physically painless punishment occasionally).  Sometimes, though, He starts hurting them just for the fuck of it.  To watch them squirm.  Me.  To watch me squirm.

Someone on the outside looking in might take that information in and decide, as so many seem to do, that M isn’t really in love with me.  That He just enjoys fucking with me.  The emotional roller coaster I’m on is caused by Him constantly playing with my emotions.  That He’s abusing the authority I’ve given Him to fulfill His twisted desire to have a human toy to play with, break down, build up… or never rebuild.

Here’s the thing.  Are you ready?

I thought of that before I asked Him to own me.

I didn’t expect it to ever happen.  And I still don’t.  But you should know, by now, that I’m entirely too paranoid not to have looked at every possible angle (and a few impossible ones) before putting my life in someone’s hands like that.  I knew exactly what He intended to do with and to me, as much as one can what with the future being constantly in motion (and honestly, my not completely knowing is part of our kink).  I knew that I’d yet to see the worst.  I knew that for the moment, I had His love, but that if I ever lost it, He’d keep me just because He could.

I’m not sure that I knew what it would do to me emotionally.  I’m not sure I know, now, what it will do to me emotionally.  Any of it.  What our relationship really is, what it could be, what it might eventually become, or won’t become, or all the many maybes in the world.

Our relationship, as it stands right now, is that of a husband who owns His wife.  A master who is married to His slave.  Not just to make her His in the eyes of the law, though that is part of it, but because He is also in love with her.

He asked me, the other day, “And what if I said yes? What if I said, ‘You’re right, I don’t give a damn about you.’? What if I told you I’m just keeping you for sex and that’s all you’ll ever be to me? Would you ask to leave?”

I kind of blinked up at Him as I realized that I wouldn’t.  And I shook my head no.

“That’s what I thought.  So what does it matter?”

What does it matter? How He feels about me should have nothing to do with how I feel about Him.  That’s not a master/ slave thing, that’s an all relationships thing.  I can love Him and serve Him and need Him just as much whether or not He feels the same for me.  And how He treats me, or responds to me shouldn’t affect how I treat or respond to Him, either.  That is a master/slave thing, in our book.  He’ll still expect my respect and sexual desire and service and dependence.  And if I don’t give it willingly, He’ll make me give it.  And this is what I asked for.

Well, I mean, I didn’t say, “Dude, I want you to not care about me at all, but I want you to own me and pretend you care about me.”  However, I did say, “I want you to own me forever, no matter what, and do what you want with me, unless you get sick of me.  And then I want you to sell me or give me away.  Oh, and, if I’m not acting how I’m supposed to, make me act how I’m supposed to.”

And I also told Him I’m easier to control if I think the person trying to control me cares about me.

Round and round and round we go…

I did put one stipulation on all of this.  I must always be important to Him.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize a) that could mean damn near anything, and b) I must’ve given up that right along the way somewhere.  I mean, how can a slave require being more than a slave and still be a slave?

I mean, yeah… it matters to me whether or not M cares about me.  I want Him to care about me, and love me, and want me just as much as I do Him.  And I’d be heartbroken if He ever fell out of love with me.  But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t change who or what I am.  So what does it matter?

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  1. August 9th, 2010 at 14:25 | #1

    It doesn’t matter because I’m not going to fall out of love with you. It’s pretty much that simple.

  2. August 9th, 2010 at 14:40 | #2

    @Melen You rock. 🙂 I guess we’re even, then.

  3. Dinora3228
    August 10th, 2010 at 00:34 | #3

    For me, this post begs the question ‘What is love?’ I think it’s a question that we’re very confused about. People have mistaken that biochemical reaction that accompanies the early months or years of most relationships as love.

    Dinora3228

  4. August 10th, 2010 at 05:36 | #4

    Rayne,

    “I can love Him and serve Him and need Him just as much whether or not He feels the same for me. And how He treats me, or responds to me shouldn’t affect how I treat or respond to Him, either.” That pretty much describes what is, for me, unconditional love. That’s a very cool thing to have.

    As for what you said about your relationship looking very much like an abusive one from the outside; that’s probably the best reason for never judging a relationship unless you’ve gotten to know the people in it very well. The simple fact is, abuse is in the eye of the beholder.

    Dave

  5. August 10th, 2010 at 09:11 | #5

    Wow. Tough stuff to ponder.

    I must say, I’m relieved to see his comment up there that he loves you. I don’t know how well I would fare if my owner took a decidedly indifferent approach to owning me. I don’t think I would thrive and if it continued, I would ask for my release.

  6. August 10th, 2010 at 09:45 | #6

    @Dinora3228 Very true. Thanks 🙂

    @dweaver999 I agree. Especially in BDSM, it’s very difficult to determine what abuse is.

    @doubleknot Me thriving isn’t a condition of my slavery. If He chooses to screw me up so much psychologically that I withdraw inside myself and become catatonic, that’s His right. Which makes it so much nicer knowing I have an owner who won’t do that.

    That’s not to say that if I realize I’m floundering, and there is no fixing things, I might not eventually beg to be let go. But I doubt it. Probably I’ll just bitch Him to death, instead. =D

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