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NS(K)Q: Q2 – In regards to punishment…

November 10th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 2:

I don’t like to punish my submissive because it hurts her, and I don’t want to hurt her. But I do need some form of corrective training for her. I’m not really sure what I want her to do for me, other than submit to me sexually. And I’m sort of lacking in the idea department. Am I a shitty dom?

No. You’re new, and you haven’t figured out what interests you yet. We were all there, once.

There aren’t any cemented rules on how to be a dominant or submissive. The general consensus on the one requirement for each is only that you should enjoy having control, or giving it up, respectively, but even that is up for debate, these days. So stop combing the worldwide web, and the alternative lifestyles section of your local public library for directions, and start experimenting with whatever sounds like it might be up your alley. It’s great to learn new techniques, but why waste time learning something you might never be interested in?

Maybe you’re just not into the whole “owning someone” gig. Maybe domestic discipline really isn’t something you’re ever going to find enjoyment in. Maybe the best thing for you is to keep your kinky proclivities in the bedroom.

Or…maybe you need to find a way to get around your consideration for your submissive’s feelings when she’s not behaving. I mean, doesn’t it hurt you when she steps outside the boundaries you both agreed upon? Obviously, if she did take your feelings into consideration, she decided they weren’t important enough to her to either ask you to change your mind, or just obey the rules. She should feel a little discomfort for that. And while two wrongs don’t make a right, it is still your responsibility as her dominant partner to uphold the rules if that’s the path you chose to take together.

I’d even go further and say that it’s her responsibility to accept punishment with grace and gratitude. You’ve taken time out of your busy day to correct her behavior. She should appreciate that.

As for ideas, find yourself a decent checklist. Read kinky erotica. Go to a munch, or play party, and talk to people.  Go to an event, and watch the sessions around you. Take a class. Find scene write-ups from dominants and submissives around the web. Watch kinky porn. There are all sorts of ways to get ideas for a scene. All sorts of places to learn how to perfect your mindfuck. Switch on that personal bullshit meter of yours, and figure out which way is best for you both.

And don’t be afraid to compromise. Life’s just full of compromises.

  1. Camryn
    May 16th, 2014 at 00:00 | #1

    Hmm. This was what curbed my interest in being the dominant partner. I didn’t have any interest in hurting someone (I just noticed I used past tense. When did that change?!) so I figured being dominant wasn’t for me and that no one would want to submit to me.
    I’ve learned a lot since then. 🙂

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