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Obey or Leave: When the Dynamic Changes

September 3rd, 2011

I always forget how cathartic it is to wash a sink full of dishes by hand. Or how good it feels when I look around my kitchen and see it clean when I’m finished.

As I stand at the sink, I go over everything good, bad and indifferent that has happened recently and figure out how I feel about it.

“It seems like you don’t want to be a slave anymore.” and “You don’t do anything slavelike anymore.” have been heard more than a few times. I’m kinda having a hard time with it. The fact that this is something that happens once every few months or so, and never completely goes away makes it incredibly hard on both of us. The fact that it happens less and less frequently is little comfort.

So I’ve been doing things to not have to hear them anymore. I’m sure my motivation could be better. Like, you know, wanting to be pleasing and being who I am and blah. But right now, not having to hear how much I suck is motivation enough.

I almost excused it away with “He doesn’t mean it.” but He does. And He’s right. Sometimes I’m a royal bitch. Sometimes I could be better.

I get frustrated because I know that me not doing anything slavelike anymore looks much different than what’s going on when He says it. I’ll never convince Him of that, though, because He never knew that girl. Of course, He’s heard stories from me and the people who were around me at the time. But even they don’t really know, and it would take me a lifetime to remember every detail of every situation before I met them and relate it. Stories seem to take so much longer to repeat than the actual event.

I also know that not being an out of control cuntface, in Master’s mind, is just normal common courtesy and not slavelike behavior. But it feels like slavelike behavior to me because it takes so much work. It’s so much easier to just do whatever the fuck I want, when I want to do it and say whatever comes to mind without thinking about who it will hurt and… But that’s rude.

I get really pissed off when He tells me about myself. I think somewhere along the line I got it in my head that if I think I’m justified in whatever I’m running off at the mouth about then I can just tell Him what I think however I want and He just has to take it. That was never our way.

And then there’s the crazy. I forget to watch for triggers. It’s usually around my period, like I’ve said a hundred times, but last time it was two weeks before. And sometimes we go months before things stop making sense again. I keep thinking we should find a therapist who won’t charge us an arm and a leg and is kink aware, but then I think about the fact that it’s just four months to open enrollment and we’ll be able to afford putting me on Master’s insurance by then. How much can happen in four months? Don’t answer that.

I’ve always been the type who didn’t think maintaining an M/s dynamic should include the threat of the top-type leaving if the bottom-type didn’t keep their end of whatever the bargain was. In my case, I need security. I need to know the bottom’s not going to fall out from under me over a stupid mistake or two.

Here’s the thing. We’re on like issue number 5,673,094.

The other night, Master said if I wasn’t going to obey Him, I might as well just leave. He said he’s not willing to give up the M/s and there is no point in owning a slave who doesn’t obey. Talking to me about what I’m doing wrong doesn’t really work. I don’t really respond to corporal punishment because I’m a masochist. Taking away privileges only works for a while. If His control stops at the few things I do  that I feel are slavelike, but are really just common courtesy, then what He has is a wife who likes to be hit, not a slave. When you put it like that, suddenly “Obey or leave.” makes perfect sense. Really, what point would there be to owning a slave that doesn’t obey?

It’s not that I don’t want to obey. It’s not that I don’t know how. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s not that I can’t. I just get so tired of holding it together sometimes. It’s so hard to be constantly fighting against circumstances I can’t change just to seem normal and not offend those around me.

At least I’m honest.

I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. And it doesn’t excuse my behavior when I finally give in to the temptation to lash out. I think that’s why I get so mad when Master points out that I’m heading down that road. He’s telling me something I really don’t want to hear. I want to believe I can deal with this on my own. I’m so god damn proud. And apparently still struggling with the belief my parents instilled in me that if I can’t overcome it on my own I’m a bad person.

I love being Master’s slave. At the risk of being cliche, He’s everything to me. My best friend, my lover, my husband, my owner… Making Him happy makes me happy.

And at the risk of repeating myself for the 5,673,095th time on this blog, I need to start thinking before I speak. I need to start doing what’s expected of me. And I need to stop making life a living hell for the people around me. Especially Master.

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  1. Lada MacManus
    September 3rd, 2011 at 12:47 | #1

    What I’m going through currently is different than this but similar enough that I feel for you.
    It is hard. I may know what’s wanted of me but being able to do it in a way that Master finds appropriate is too much for me 100% of the time. He doesn’t see any of my efforts and since they don’t result in what he wants then they don’t count. it doesn’t matter that things would be considerably worse if I wasn’t putting in the effort I am putting in.
    Okay, enough self-centered blabbing. I just see similarities and I feel for you. Wish I had some answers for either of us.

  2. September 3rd, 2011 at 16:44 | #2

    @ Lada MacManus Yeah, it’s hard when it seems like your best effort isn’t enough. You just have to keep in mind that they try to do what’s best for the two of you and your relationship and continue to make an effort to better yourself. It sucks. And it’s hard. But it’s so effing worth it. I think, anyway.

  3. Lada MacManus
    September 4th, 2011 at 10:51 | #3

    @ rayne
    Thanks. Good things to tell myself even if they feel false.
    It is worth it I suppose and not just another thing on my endless todo list that I have to do or else I’ll disappoint him or he’ll be extra cranky.
    Thanks 🙂

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