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DVD Review: Hollywood Sex Wars by Big Primpin Productions

November 15th, 2011

Get Laid or Get Played

Ooo, what’s that?

Okay, so you’re not going to believe me, but I was asked to review a movie. Yeah, a movie.

It’s called Hollywood Sex Wars and it’s written and directed by Paul Sapiano, who also did The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down. Sapiano is also currently working on The Boys & Girls Guide to Marijuana, which I’d actually heard of before I was sent this DVD, and Brazilian Rules, which Sapiano calls his “sports/action/street soccer script”. (I must admit, I giggled incessantly while reading Sapiano’s interview. He is, in a word, hilarious.) 

Who’s in it?

Dominique Purdy – MAX
Mario Diaz – JOHNNY EYELASH
Nicholas Mongiardo-Cooper – GLEN
Richard Blair – AARON
Eli Jane – LITTLE WENDY
Jenae Altschwager – BIG WENDY
Carmen Plumbo – GRETCHEN
Christine Nguyen – ELLE
Suzy Kaye – YVONNE
Jacqui Holland – COURTNEY

And of course, Fabio.

Written and Directed by:
Paul Sapiano

Produced by:
Alejandro Ordoñez

Executive Producers
Enrique Aguirre & James Glasscock

Editor
Enrique Aguirre

Cinematographer
Martin Moody

What’s it about?

Max (Dominique Purdy), Aaron (Richard Blair) and Glen (Nicholas Cooper) have a track record littered with strike-outs and misfit hook-ups. The boys embark on a mission to up their hot babe batting average. They meet Hollywood Casanova Johnny Eyelash (Mario Diaz) who teaches these boys the game of scoring A-list arm candy. But there is one problem, the girls are organized, cunning and have an agenda of their own. Its not long before the girls, led by Big Wendy (Jenae Altschwager) and Little Wendy (Eli Jane) pick up on Johnny’s tactics and Hollywood becomes one big booby trap.

How is it?

Rayne’s Rating:
Pros: Cons:
funny
not too long
really feels like a club scene
equally denigrates 20-something men and women in LA
I think I’m in love with Dominique Purdy.
could have been funnier
a couple lines fell flat

Just to be completely upfront, the opinions expressed here aren’t solely my own. M watched the movie with me and made comments throughout. I don’t know who I laughed at more; him or the people on the screen. So I started jotting down a few things he pointed out as we watched.

For prosumer cameras, and “a bit of photographic know how”, the picture is clear. Or as clear as it can be in the midst of rump shaking, sex, drugs and dance music.

The flick’s supposed to portray the dating scene in Hollywood, where Writer/Director Paul Sapiano says men are looking for casual sex and women are looking for diamonds and pearls … and at least a vacation in Maui. It’s edgy. It’s shocking. And while I didn’t bust a gut laughing, there were a number of scenes that I’m still giggling over.

–This is where the spoilers start, folks, so iffn you don’t want to read ’em, look away!–

Like the “Daterbase”. Reminiscent of websites like Don’t Date Him Girl, the Daterbase is a list of men who’ve scammed hot chicks into dating them, only to prove to be a dud in one way or another. It’s a super important dating tool used by the TOB, a girl-club created by two bodacious babes, Big Wendy and Little Wendy. The function of the club is to get revenge on guys for their incapability of being faithful by sapping them of all their money … and a bit of their self-respect.

As the movie started, M and I looked back and forth between the screen and each other with our mouths hanging open. I’ll admit, neither of us has been to Los Angeles. We’ve got no idea what the 20-something dating scene is like. Judging from the drama you see in the tabloids, we’re gonna guess Paul Sapiano isn’t all that far off.

The film brilliantly portrays what I know of any club scene in a satirical light. Beautiful girls in next to nothing parade themselves around parties and clubs hoping to reel in a whopper of a man. Someone who’ll pay for everything while getting next to nothing in return.

The girls are crafty and on top of their game. Unfortunately for them, the boys have a secret weapon and his name’s Johhny Eyelash. Johnny Eyelash knows how to draw these girls in and foil all their plans. And he passes on the secret to Max, Aaron and Glen.

Things we’ve learned:
Women go psycho when you cheat.

Never go down on a stripper you just met.

Stripper heels don’t work well on grassy hills.

Hell hath no fury like a TOB scorned.

The burning of the Bratz Doll was a nice touch.

M crossed his legs when they pulled out the rubber gloves and Dawn. He says soap in holes doesn’t work out so well. But we both giggled like schoolgirls at the bubbles.

Our favorite quote has got to be:

“How much is that gonna cost?”
“Oh, sweetie, we just say ‘our hot girlfriend’ and ‘shower’ in the same sentence.”

The tribute to Benny Hill is classic. We especially loved the gorilla taking off with the bearded transvestite.

The ending is happy, in true comedy style. For some of the characters anyway.

However, even though it portrays both sides in an equally disgusting (and comical) light, the feminists aren’t gonna like it.

But you know what? Fuck the feminists. This flick is excellent for ninety minutes of laughing at the antics of the superficial crowd in Tinseltown.

Check out this movie on iTunesAmazon, or Netflix! I’m already considering watching it again. And don’t worry, Paul. I don’t want my ninety minutes back.

Disclaimer: This DVD was provided to me free of charge in exchange for an honest review.

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