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Melen is strong enough to be my man.

February 8th, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

Love is making funny faces at sunset.

I’m having a particularly difficult time with some things going on, right now. It’s not so much the events themselves, though parts of each of them (there are a few that are separate and affect different parts of my life) are sad, and awkward, and bewildering. It’s more the way the events came about, and the clusterfuck that has been left in their wake.

And of course, this shit has to happen just as that wretched beast the Monthly Monster rears her ugly head. Because why on Earth would I want to face stressful situations with a clear(er) head? That’d just be silly.

I’ve been in a straight panic since some time last week. I got a few moments of respite when I buried my head in intoxication for the weekend, but the moment sobriety returned, so did the fear. I haven’t been afraid like this in … years?

And it’s so stupid. All of it. None of it matters. No matter the outcome, I’ll land on my feet. Life will go on. That’s generally the way life works.

I’ve probably said all this before. I’ve probably said what I’m about to say before, too.

One of the most important things in my partner is that he’s strong enough. I am high maintenance. I can, if I have to, like most insane people, hold my insanity at bay when I am under scrutiny … or when I just don’t want to hurt the people around me. But eventually, I need release. And the longer I hold it in, the worse it is when I finally let it out.

Due to even more extenuating circumstances*, calming down once I’m riled up takes way more control than I have. One of the reasons I finally gave in to experimenting with my masochism was hearing someone talk about the release causing themselves physical pain gave when they were feeling emotional pain.

Problem is, it doesn’t work that way for me. Hurting myself doesn’t come close to the release of being hurt at another’s hands. But being thrashed by my lover will cure even the worst panic attack, mood swing or outright rage.

But every once in a while, it’s not pain I need. Just someone to hold me. To let me show my weakness until I’m strong enough to tuck it away again. To hold me up until I can do it myself.

Yeah… He’s strong enough to be my man.

I love you so much more, Master.

*Once a dual-diagnosis counselor told me that my life reminded her of a bottle rocket. “When it blows up, it goes every which way!” she exclaimed.

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  1. February 9th, 2012 at 05:04 | #1

    Rayne: Melen is strong enough to be my man.: I’m having a particularly difficult time with some things go… http://t.co/3qFwvzOc #slave

  2. February 14th, 2012 at 17:36 | #2

    This is kismet! I read your entry right after speaking with my Master. I’ve had an emotionally rough two days, and I was a mess. Life is just…nutty right now. M and I had an several intense scenes over the weekend, but now he’s back with his wife. I’m really good at being independent, and I relish living alone. Today though…he brought me back. Made me feel safe. Was sweet when I was angry and hurt about being such a high-maintenance complication of a human being. His response: “I adore you. My perfect, complicated, messy masterpiece.” I loved your post. I totally get that. xo

  3. February 16th, 2012 at 22:55 | #3

    @Heather β€œI adore you. My perfect, complicated, messy masterpiece.”

    Isn’t it awesome when they remind us that they wouldn’t own us if we weren’t exactly what they wanted? In my opinion, one of the best parts of being the “s” in a healthy D/s relationship is never having to guess where you stand.

    Thanks for your comment. Glad you enjoyed and related to the post. πŸ™‚

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