I think he broke my poly bone.
I wonder if it’s connected to my bisexual bone?
Way back in the day, when M and me were just starting out, we met a buncha chicks and dabbled in a bit o’ polyamory. I got really freaked out for all the reasons most people get freaked out.
Why does he want someone else? Am I not good enough? Am I doing something wrong? What if he likes her more than me? What if she’s BETTER than me? What if she can do things I can’t? What if he gives her more than he gives me? What if he loves her more than he loves me? What if he’s nicer to her than he is to me? What if it turns out his insistence that his lack of interest in cuddling is simply about chronic pain isn’t true? What if he just doesn’t like to cuddle with me and he likes to cuddle with her?
What? I’ve told you from day one I’m crazy.
Every time we met a new girl, I’d fill up with red hot fear eating away at my insides. And try as I might, until the relationships ended, I wasn’t able shut it off.
And then, it just suddenly went away. I wasn’t worried at all. And then we became monogamous, and it didn’t matter anymore.
But then our relationship turned a corner, and went from complete domination, from the bedroom to the barroom and all the places in between, to very little S&M, no humiliation play, no bondage, and not much sexual control to speak of.
We had sex. It was rougher than vanilla sex, but definitely not up to our usual extreme behaviors.
And then he started to let out my leash. While the control was still there, and he never hesitated to exhibit just how tight a grip he still had, if necessary, his need (desire?) to constantly stand on my throat, at least by my perception, let up a bit.
Honestly, I think it was something I needed. So maybe he sensed that, or I told him that and don’t remember.
Whatever the case, the point is, these days, I read about poly relationships and all the old fears are back.
Not that I have any reason to worry. Master’s not looking to open our relationship back up any time soon. Maybe not ever again. But now I KNOW another slave would be better than me cause haven’t been much of a slave lately.
I think his interest in monogamy broke my poly bone. Or maybe it was the slack in the leash? Either way, I’ve never been more relieved to be monogamous. And it’s totally his fault. But I think i’s supposed to work that way. It’s been so long I can’t remember.
(That’s a joke. You know, haha? But if you feel the need to remind me how it’s supposed to work, Master, I wouldn’t much mind. Like, at all.)