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How To Go From Pussy To Depression

TreeThe monthly monster has finally subsided. The Man and I are actively trying to find our way out of the discomfort no sex, kink, or exercise has brought us. We’re walking every day, fucking every day (M seems to be doing this on purpose), and trying to eat and drink better than we have been so that our bodies will have what they need to get back to the place we were before all this. And my pussy isn’t fucking cooperating.

It’s sofa king bizarre, and it’s obliterating what little bit of positive self esteem I’d managed to harness after realizing I’ve regained 15lbs since last year.

I’ve always had a tight, responsive, damn-near-constantly-wet pussy. A stiff breeze would get me wet. “Bend over, bitch.” was all the foreplay I needed. But lately, M can tease me till he’s blue in the face, and my pussy will still be dry as a bone. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

So I’m going with a few assumptions:

1 – I just switched tampon brands and it seems like OB literally sucks every drop of moisture out of that whole area. It’s only been three days since my period. My pussy’s still adjusting. Maybe I should switch back?

2 – I’m severely dehydrated. That’s no joke. My throat and mouth are always dry. My lips are more cracked and chapped than the Sahara. My legs are ashy, and my fingers look like they’re encased in crinkly paper rather than skin. And I can’t seem to drink enough water. But I am drinking water until I can’t fit anymore water or food in my stomach. And nothing’s changing.

3 – When I say I’m having self esteem issues, I mean I’ve got monsters in my head every minute of the day telling me how much everything about me sucks. From my writing, to my hair, there is not one redeeming quality about me, the monsters say, and I willingly believe because of some really dumb shit. And I mean some REALLY dumb shit. Like someone not mentioning me next to the #followfriday tag on Twitter, or not getting a response from a magazine I know I’m not suited for but applied anyway, or seeing a picture of a really hot chick in a bikini. Is there any such thing as no self esteem issues? If so, I’ll have some of that, please.

4 – I have been battling a bit of depression and anxiety. Today, I feel like crying over the dumbest things. “It’s raining. I think I’ll have a cry.” “The cat’s freaking out over the rain. I think I’ll have a cry.” “My body’s not responding to things the way I’m used to for no apparent reason. I think I’ll have a cry.” You’d think I was still on my period. Yesterday, I had a panic attack when I suppressed the urge to have an unnecessary snack. I mean, what the fuck? I’ve never had anxiety over food before. Not like that, anyway. Over not knowing where our next meal is coming from, yes. But over not eating when the only reasons I want to eat are boredom and depression? Never.

The vaginal dryness is not helping with the depression and self esteem issues. I want my body to respond the way it has always responded to M. It does respond in every other way. My mind switches on, and my pussy twitches, and I want him so badly. But I don’t get wet. Not even a little bit.

I read this post by The Bloggess today. When I get like this, I go to her Twitter account, or click on random months on her blog for a laugh, or a cry, or whatever picking random posts will give me. And I usually get sidetracked, and by the time I’m finished, I have no idea why I went there in the first place, which is good, because for a little while, I forget the depression and anxiety.

In that post, she says, “And then, just as quickly as it came, it starts to lift.  Yesterday I felt human again for almost two hours.  It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side.  It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long.” And I started crying. It’s exactly like that.

The other day, when we were walking down the pull path for the Old Erie Canal, I caught myself staring at nature in wonder, and wanting to capture every moment. I’d find myself gawking at the way the light came through the leaves over the water, and giggling at the playful calls of the birds, and frogs, and crickets.

This past Saturday, I marveled at how my muscles responded to the extra mileage we put on them, while taking deep lungfuls of sweet grass and wild flowers on our favorite section of the bike path by our old place.

Today, as we walked around our new neighborhood, I basked in the glory that is M’s undivided attention, and gave him mine, and even though we were discussing serious topics, like the bills, and the money we owe the IRS, I was very aware of how lucky I am, and very grateful.

And for now, I am looking at the world through unfettered eyes. Seeing the beauty in the berry tree in our backyard, and feeling that electric connection that snaps and crackles between his heart and mine as strongly as the day we met.

Tomorrow may bring rain clouds again. But for today? For today, I can see clear to the horizon. I’m grateful for today.

And that’s how you go from pussy to depression.

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  1. June 18th, 2013 at 10:58 | #1

    Very honest and beautifully written. Hope the clouds lift a little longer for you.
    I never had a problem getting wet until this past year around my period. Age? I’m not sure the cause, but lube is amazing and deals with the frustration around that problem for me.

  2. June 18th, 2013 at 15:27 | #2

    All those symptoms, especially the dry mouth and skin, but including the anxiety and depression, sound like you need to have your thyroid checked. Have you been finding more hair than normal in the tub and your brush?

    It’s a common thing, particularly for women, and easily corrected, but soo bad if you let it go.

  3. June 18th, 2013 at 16:08 | #3

    @Cammies on the floor Thank you. Age is a possibility. I’m 33, and they say everything starts to change between 30 and 35. So maybe?

    M’s not real big on lube. He for sure won’t go down on me if I use it. I don’t blame him. Even most of the flavored shit tastes nasty! But if it comes to that, we’ll definitely be incorporating it into our sex more. Which just means I need to find one he does like for things not oral related.

    Changing up the foreplay is helping. Making sure there is foreplay, and not jumping right into it is helping. Him being meaner is helping. I’m such a masochist. Lol.

    Thanks for the comment!

  4. June 18th, 2013 at 16:15 | #4

    @little monkey That’s one of the first tests we’re going to have run when I find an insurance company we can afford. He makes too much for federal/state help, and too little to put me on his plan.

    No extra hair in the tub/brush, though. There was for a little while a few years ago, but that was related to an eating disorder, and cleared right up when I started eating right.

    As for the depression and anxiety, while I’m sure they could be exacerbated by thyroid issues, I’m diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorder, among other things. I’ve run the current gamut of medicinal treatment for these, and have yet to find something that works at a level that doesn’t make me a zombie, so I’m currently untreated. No point “feeling better” if all I can do is sleep or stare off into space.

    Thanks for the comment! 🙂

  5. June 23rd, 2013 at 16:19 | #5

    Spot on on every damn thing!!! I had spoken to a friend of mine last week who broke down the monthly cycle, and told me that if you really think about it in biological terms, we are only ourselves (without the added hormones) for less than a week every month. I know how you feel, and I hope it gets better! xxx

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