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30 Days of Kink: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

30 Days of KinkFor the rest of this series, and links to others who have participated, click here.

God, there are so many.

Kinky People Fallacy #1: All us submissive types are beaten into submission on a regular basis. We’d have to be to stay with the dominant types.

First, let me point out that there are quite a few of us who get off on being beaten into submission. One of my most delicious fantasies involves that very thing. But I’ll leave that for one of the prompts that asks about fantasies.

To be honest, I’m not sure it’s possible to beat me, and other masochists like me, into submission. At least, not in the “I just refused to do something M wanted me to do, so he’s gonna pound me into the pavement until I quit my bitching and do it.” sense of the phrase. Cause, like… We’d both get horny. And then we’d have to have sex. And then the whole point of him pounding me into the pavement will have been lost.

While there are, without a doubt, levels, and types, of physical and emotional pain that I do not like, the most appealing part of pain play, for me, is that I don’t always like it. And if you’ll remember, not too long ago, I talked about how pain often fails as punishment for M and me. So while I’m occasionally beaten for breaking a rule, or being disobedient, the mere thought of me being “beaten into submission” is laughable.

And can I just say I know quite a few submissive types who’d eat me for breakfast. I’d love to see someone try to beat them into submission. And depending on who they’re up against, I’d probably bet on the submissive type, nine times out of ten.

Kinky People Fallacy #2: Sadomasochism is a psychosis.

If so, then I don’t wanna be sane.

But seriously, the psychiatric community has decided that we’re not crazy for enjoying the kinks we enjoy. We just process things differently than those of you not into kink.

From the Wikipedia article on Sadomasochism:

With the publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) in 1994 new criteria of diagnosis were available describing Sadomasochism clearly not as disorders of sexual preferences. They are now not regarded as illnesses in and of themselves. The DSM-IV asserts that “The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors“ must “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning“ in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder. The manuals’ latest edition (DSM-IV-TR) requires that the activity must be the sole means of sexual gratification for a period of six (6) months (Author’s note: Wtf?) , and either cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” or involve a violation of consent to be diagnosed as a paraphilia.

See?

Kinky People Fallacy #3: Kinksters are elitist, and think non-kinksters are beneath them.

Okay, some kinksters fit this one. Just like some non-kinksters fit this one. It’s not a quality related to being kinky, so much as one related to being human. Some of us are competitive in nature. That’s life.

The rest of us figure we’re just different. Like apples and oranges. Both are sort of sweet and sour. Both are fruits. But they’re completely different.

And for the record, we agree with you. Those other guys are assholes. The elitist kinksters, I mean. And the elitist non-kinksters.

Kinky People Fallacy #4: Female dominants are man-hating bitches. And the converse, male dominants are woman-hating assholes.

Let me first admit that I have issues with females in authority. I have no clear reason why, other than knowing a lot of women who get on my damn nerves. But I know a lot of men who get on my damn nerves, too. I’m just much more comfortable with men in control of me (specifically, M) than women.

And as much as it pains me to say it (kidding), not all dominant women are bitches, and they don’t all hate men. And trust that most male dominants love women much more than they care to express, and a lot of them are the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. But when you meet a dominant person, male or female, who is so obviously dominant that those with less of a presence are almost inclined to take a knee, there’s this… air of self-awareness, and commanding atomosphere, and lack of worry about what others think that gives the perception of an assholish quality.

Usually, it’s actually the virtue of knowing exactly what one wants, and pursuing it. Knowing oneself, and one’s boundaries, and the boundaries of those around one, and acting accordingly. Being comfortable in one’s own skin. And not apologizing for who one is.

Kinky People Fallacy #5: Kinky people cannot provide children with a normal, healthy home.

As a matter of fact, most kinky people keep their sex lives away from their children, just like non-kinksters. They don’t enforce their dynamic on their children. And their children live happily ever after, never knowing what goes on in Mommy’s and Daddy’s bedroom.

Well, no more than the normal assumption that Mom and Dad did it just enough times to have however many children they have, and always in missionary position in a pitch black room. And even that’s more of a visual than most of us want.

Maybe it was immaculate conception. Yes! That’s it! We’re all Jesus Christ.

It’s not like any of us are suggesting you do all this stuff while your kids are in your bedroom. Or even in the house, if it’s particularly small, and sound travels well, and the kids are nosy.

It’s up in the air, whether or not you should tell them. I mean, obviously, a six year old isn’t going to get it. But some teens might pick up on a hierarchy within the relationship. And there is some argument for it being better to be honest with them once they’re old enough to be up to some kinky stuff on their own, if only to prevent your daughter accidentally seeing a bruise when you’re trying on clothes together, or your son seeing needle marks when you got stuck with skins while playing basketball.

***Bonus info!***

We’re pretty much just like you. We stress over the same things. We enjoy the same extra curricular activities. We laugh, love, sing, feel and cry just like you. We just spend money on leather and lace on top of everything else normal people spend money on.

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on September 16, 2010.

  1. P’Gell
    June 24th, 2013 at 11:16 | #1

    Good stuff, Rayne. I had two comments.

    One, the myth that kinksters had to have “had an abusive childhood and are messed up” to like what we like. Yes, some kinksters had abuse in their childhood, some didn’t. But, even more people were abused as kids and never liked kink. But, it is a common misconception.

    I just wanted to add about the stuff from the DSM IV: in order do diagnose a “disorder” (which I don’t think kink is, obviously) a time frame of how long the “symptoms” have been going on is required by the APA. Also, a APA just came out with DSM 5, and a LOT of psychologist, psychiatrists and doctors and nurses don’t like it, but DSMs always change. Case in point: DSM I included “homosexuality” as a disorder. Happily, it was removed for the next edition.

    Also, for things like paraphilias to be considered “disorders” one thing has to be present: “must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” In other words, if it doesn’t BOTHER the person to engage in the actions, it simply isn’t a “disorder.”

    Good post.

  2. August 5th, 2013 at 09:12 | #2

    P’Gell :
    But, even more people were abused as kids and never liked kink. But, it is a common misconception.

    This, exactly. Thanks for those clarifications! And the comment. 🙂

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