Home > rayne > I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I need a punishment dynamic.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I need a punishment dynamic.

IMG_2845-I can’t really wrap my head around this whole slavery thing, lately. I think it’s because there’s no real consequences for my actions. Which basically means I’m a giant douche. I mean, who does that? “I know what I’m supposed to do, and I want to do it, but I’m not going to do it because you won’t make me.”

I’m sure Master would say something to the effect of, “There’s no reason for consequences. You’re not doing anything wrong.”1 And I suppose that’s mostly true. I mean, I don’t defy him. I’m respectful unless I’m joking around. I don’t break rules. I stay on top of the chores when I’m not sick and I’m getting sleep (insomnia’s been kicking both our asses). I obey orders…eventually.

I’m doing this thing where he tells me to do something, and he doesn’t say I can wait (sometimes he’ll say “some time between 2 and 3, do this” or something, and other times, it’s just “do this”), but I sit here tapping away at my computer, anyway, and go do it when I feel like it. AND I’M NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT. I mean, at least half of the time I’m writing, but the other half, I’m fucking around on Twitter, or talking to someone on Skype, or fucking around with the cats, or reading bullshit, or watching a video on YouTube.

And I’m not really talking to him about the things I’m thinking. They’re good things! Look at me, sitting here, blogging about my slavery, and how I need the punishment dynamic we’ve sort of done away with. But I’ve come here to ramble about this, rather than going to Master to talk about it. I suppose I should rectify that before this post goes live. Though I’m not even sure he reads my stuff anymore. He certainly doesn’t comment on any of it.

Since I know I’m doing these things, I should just fix it. That’s what a “real consensual slave” (whatever that means) would do, I’m told. But instead, I’m sitting here writing about how I know I’m a fuck up and waiting for him to be all “This is punishment for fucking up. Fix it, or I’m going to do this and this as punishment for fucking up.” See: giant douche.

I know that I don’t have the right to expectations. I came into this knowing he’d dominate me however the fuck he wanted to dominate me, and I’m just along for the ride. If that means he’s gonna be easy on me sometimes, then he’s gonna be easy on me, and I need to just suck it up. And I’m sure as shit not saying I want him to be a hardass all the time, or that I think he should be micromanaging my day. That shit used to drive me insane. Plus, it destroyed my self esteem because I thought he thought I was incapable of being what I told him I would be.

Of course, here I sit, seemingly incapable of being what I told him I would be. Though I guess that’s kinda an extreme way to interpret something like waiting a few minutes to go do what I’m told. Or is it?

Anyway, that’s a cop out. I’m not incapable. I’m just stuck in that mode I’ve always found myself in when there’s slack in the leash, even if that slack is there because there’s been no reason for him to tighten it. That “Well, why should I do x, y, and z if you’re not going to do a, b, and c?” mindset that I should never allow myself to fall into.

But punishing me is a slippery slope. Corporal punishment makes my pussy wet. Fucking me and not letting me cum just fuels the fire. Denying me further doesn’t do any good because denial just turns me on more. It’s really difficult to punish someone like me, who fetishizes damn near everything. Maybe he should start taking Twitter away. Huh? Huh?!

That would be torture.
I bet I wouldn’t put off obedience anymore, though.

1. He did, in fact, say that when I told him we need to figure out this whole punishment dynamic thing. Well, damn. I guess I’m just too sweet for punishing. Y’all believe me, right?

P.S. I know I mentioned on Twitter that I’m working on a post about my mental illness, how it manifested, and how it affects my slavery. It’s coming along. It’s just really difficult to write. Thinking about that shit is painful because it’s really no fun.

<3

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  1. Ima Godiva
    July 16th, 2013 at 17:04 | #1

    Your honesty is beautiful. Thank you.

  2. July 19th, 2013 at 08:32 | #2

    very honest post and was quite interesting. I am looking forward to reading your post regarding your mental illness, but totally understand it wouldn’t be easy. Good luck with it all.

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