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30 Days of Kink: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

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I’ve been owned for eight years. Of those eight years, I’ve been involved in the online BDSM community in some way, shape or form. At first, through IRC. Then I started InsatiableDesire.com. Then I joined Bondage.com. Then I started looking around for other submissive blogs. And then, finally, I found Fetlife.com.

My opinion about online anything has been all over the place since practically day one.

Something people tend to forget when discussing online relationships, of any sort, is that there are still real people at the other end of the wire. Real conversations, heated debates, and occasional arguments are had. Real emotions, just as passionate as you’ll find in any face-to-face friendship or romance, are involved. Real bonds are formed.

I have a couple very close friends that I would, any time they needed me to, and so long as I was able, drop everything and give them a hand, a shoulder, M’s left testicle (What? I’d give them mine, but I don’t have one!). I have never met them in real life. We’ve discussed it, and I can almost guarantee that when we finally do, it will be amazingly fantabulous. We’ll laugh. And cry. We’ll embrace, and plant great big kisses on tear-soaked cheeks. We’ll drink lots of coffee, or wine, or beer, and chatter till the wee hours of the night, while the guys compare flogging techniques, or computer code, or whatever else they have in common. We won’t want to part ways when it’s time. And we’ll make oodles of plans to meet again.

I’m almost in happy tears thinking about it. I can’t wait.

Hopefully, one weekend soon, I’ll have one such meeting with one of these lovely ladies. I already have permission, and the plans are in the works. It’s just a matter of having an opening coincide in our schedules. That being said, there are quite a few things in my relationship with M that I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to achieve without constant face-to-face interaction.

For example, it’s rare that I hesitate when I’m told to do something. Almost never. And usually only when I don’t know how to do what M’s asking, or he’s said something that makes no sense, like “Sit down and come here!”

I don’t often try to pull away or protect myself in any way when he chooses to torment me. Even when he’s doing something I could definitely do without.

I trust him implicitly with my life.

I’m not sure either of us would have been capable of making that kind of connection over the net. We both rely too heavily on body language, tone and inflection. And even then, we sometimes get it mixed up.

That being said, I know quite a few couples who started out on the web, and are still going strong. Who enjoy(ed) cybersex, and like(d) exploring their fantasies online, rather than face to face. A lot of people find it easier to be who they are when the person they’re speaking to is just a picture on a screen. It may not be ideal, but it works for some people.

Granted, there are some things one can never understand until one experiences thems first hand. Like the sting of a single-tail, or the bite of a crop. The difference between the forgiving nature of a leather paddle, and the unbending will of a wooden one. How much different a clothespin and a clover clamp feel.

You’re not quite sure if someone spitting in your mouth will gross you out until someone does it. The natural reaction is to be “Oh, ew! That’s disgusting!” but sometimes your reactions surprise yourself.

And who knows, really, how horrible it would be to find themselves tied up and ravished by someone they love and trust until someone they love and trust has given it a shot?

But I think working through these fantasies online, where, at least years ago, there was a very small chance you’d ever meet the people you were talking to, at least helps to open the door. Gives the people playing online a little bit of insight into what it would be like being with each other if they ever did decide, “What the hell?” and make plans to meet on the top of some skyscraper somewhere.

Cause those of us who’ve been doing it for years? We sort of forget what it’s like to be brand spanking new at it, and how scary it can be for some people to allow themselves to be that open with a person. Hell, I still sometimes have trouble being that open with M, and we’ve been together eight years. Granted, I’m a little more disturbed than the average bear.

I find myself at the precipice of something huge. Acceptance that I just disregarded years ago, and training that I haven’t endured in quite some time. A bit of time where M tightens the leash a bit, and reminds me where I belong. If he ever finds time.

Yeah. I need reminders. And ya know what? I’m okay with that.

And I know that once I fall over the side, all will be well. But I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, and instead of just leaping off, I looked down. And suddenly, I remember what it was like, all those years ago, just handing this man complete control. And how sometimes I wished, in the beginning, that I’d had time online with him to have been more prepared for what to expect. Not because I wanted something different, but because the intensity isn’t always apparent in a few short teasing phone conversations, and a meeting over the roof of his car while his girlfriend gabs about puppies.

Other times, I’m glad I didn’t have any warning. I think I’d have eventually psyched myself out, and avoided him. So I guess, in my mind, while there’s definitely something to be said for actual, face-to-face interaction, online BDSM play has its place as well.

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on October 7, 2010.

  1. July 22nd, 2013 at 20:09 | #1

    Me, me! I want to be on that short list 😛 I’d love to hang out.

  2. July 27th, 2013 at 00:40 | #2

    I miss you so much!

  3. Steph(vane)
    July 29th, 2013 at 17:01 | #3

    All hell would break loose should we ever met. I’m not sure they could even shut us up with gags. I miss you ever so much, please give my best to your Master and tell him I said hello!!

    Kisses and love and stuff
    Stephanie/vane

  4. August 5th, 2013 at 20:55 | #4

    It is sad but true. LD is really difficult and it might make the couple stronger or break them. Two of my bestfriends had been in a long term relationship. When the relationship became LD it broke the couple apart. One couple had been together for 4 years but it only took a couple of months for the guy to find someone else. The other couple were together for 2-2.5 years…1.5 years was long distance then the guy just stop communicating or coming to see her. I’ve been in a long term relationship myself (7 years approximately) and it had been a long distance for the last 2.5 years. He’s in the west coast and I’m all the way in the east. Another 1.5 and the LD would’ve been over. I thought we were handling things quite well…we’re happy everytime we saw each other and missing one another whenever we’re apart. The most difficult part was always the part when he has to drop me off at the airport and watch one another leave, but picking me up in the airport when I come back was just one of the happiest moments. However things with us just ended last december. Deep in my heart I keep hoping it is not over…but only time can tell.

  5. September 18th, 2013 at 05:11 | #5

    Its very interesting……………

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