Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 7 – Difference of Opinion

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 7 – Difference of Opinion

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 7:

What if my significant other isn’t into BDSM?

Well… Now… That’s a right special kind of a pickle, isn’t it?

First.. are you sure your significant other isn’t into it? Or is it just that you assume they aren’t, and haven’t asked? Cause dude, seriously? If you haven’t even discussed it, you might be sadly mistaken. And there’s nothing worse than a misunderstanding based on assumptions.

Okay, there’s plenty worse, but they suck, just the same.

I know… I know! You think you know your SO ten ways from Sunday, and no one can tell you anything about them you don’t already know… Except them. So if you haven’t discussed it, do! You might just be surprised.

But how?

Well, that depends on you and yours.

What do you mean?

Back in the day, when I was with the abusive ex, I was embarrassed to talk about all things sexual. Through experimentation, he figured out pretty quickly that it was better just to get me in the mood, and go with the flow, than to try to ask me what turned me on, or talk to me about trying new things. But maybe your SO needs a little more than a little push here, a little shove there.

Some suggest “accidentally” leaving erotic magazines that depict your kinks in them around the house for your lover to happen upon. Others suggest casually leaving a porn site open on your computer monitor as you make an excuse to leave the room. Still others suggest giving your partner a book about kink to read, like Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, or Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction, or even erotica like Please, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female Submission.

But the reigning champ is still, and probably always will be, to sit your partner down and discuss it. Or when the conversation turns to your sexual proclivities and fantasies, mention it then. Or find a way to start the fantasy conversation yourself, and lead it down the kinky road, or see where it goes.

Which brings us back to the question of what I should do if they aren’t into it?

Well…You’ve got some obvious courses of action, and probably countless not so obvious ones. But here’s the best way I see to handle it. Your mileage may vary. (Don’t even get me started on how I feel about feeling the need to add that.)

1 – Decide whether or not you want to stay with this person despite the fact that your sexual interests don’t match up. Is the relationship worth it? If so, then move on to #2. If not–and that’s perfectly okay!–then it’s time to keep it moving. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and at least 655,000 of them, give or take a few spam bots, dead accounts, and puppets, are into kink. And that’s not accounting for the kinksters who haven’t found, or don’t want to join FetLife!

2 – Discuss the possibility of a service top or bottom. There doesn’t have to be sex involved. Unless you want sex to be involved. But be honest about that. Doing it behind your partner’s back will almost definitely cause problems. Unless they give you permission and tell you they don’t want to know. Which is also possible, and works for a few people I know. But give them the option of knowing what’s going on, and even participate or watch if they want.

3 – If you’re partner isn’t interested in sharing you, you’re back at the beginning. – It won’t be easy. The pull of your interests v. the person you’re currently in love with. Some people aren’t able to go without it. Some people are. Just know that if you want to be able to explore your sexuality without having to lie to your significant other about it, and you realize the only way to do it is to leave, you are not a bad person. There is nothing wrong with wanting your needs met. There is nothing wrong with going after what you want. Well… if it’s not illegal. But you know.

I know. It’s clear as mud. And you’ve got some difficult decisions and discussions ahead of you. And I’m not gonna lie. It might be a painful experience. But what’s a little pursuit of happiness among friends?

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on December 16, 2010.

  1. Camryn
    May 16th, 2014 at 01:06 | #1

    This rocks! Leaving is always an option! I try to avoid this situation by talking about sex as I’m getting to know someone. I’m an awful person, I know, but I once had a guy tell me he’d never let his girlfriend blow him because he didn’t think it was lady like.
    I love blow jobs. It wasn’t meant to be.
    But talking it out is super important. Cannot be stressed enough!

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