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No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 10 – Bedroom Submissive

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 10:

I’m REALLY new to the whole BDSM thing and in fact, don’t know that I qualify as someone practicing or wanting to practice.

I’m married to an amazing husband and we have a phenomenal sex life – but I have an appetite that exceeds his when it comes to sex. Recently, we decided that as long as I told him about it, he was fine with me being with other people. As it happens, around the same time, friends of mine – who are married and amazing both made separate advances on me and I’ve begun relationships with both of them. The wife is a soft and wonderful lover just discovering what she likes and we have a good time finding out together. The husband though – oh, the husband.

The first time we were together without his wife, he was more aggressive than he was with her there – and I LOVED it. He told me later he’d never done anything like that before (mild spanking etc.) but was beyond excited that I liked it. I was ASTOUNDED by how much I liked it – and as time’s progressed, we’ve progressed in our adventurousness. I guess my (longwinded) question is: Can you be a submissive on occasion? Can you be a submissive to someone who is not your life partner and who you have no desire to be your life partner? Can you be submissive only in the bedroom but quite the opposite when out and about?

Yes.

There are all sorts of different types of kinky relationship builds. From the simplest monogamous couple who takes turns spanking and tormenting each other in the bedroom, to the most complex polyamorous family who has a very specific hierarchy for each specific relationship.

And there are all sorts of different types of dominant and submissive people. There are those who take control in their daily lives, and submit at night. There are those who submit to other people, but never their spouse. There are those who are submissive with their friends, spouse, siblings, what have you, who choose to be dominant when they’re with their lover.

A person absolutely can submit or dominate only in the bedroom, or when it feels appropriate. I started out as a “bedroom submissive”. Hell, when I met M, I thought sure I wanted, at the very least, equal footing, if not total control.

These things can get complicated. I mean everything can get complicated if you let it.

I’d suggest laying things out on the table with your husband, if you haven’t already, before letting the power exchange get too far. The reason being the emotions involved in these relationships can be powerful even if the intent is always for it to be a “side thing”. I mean, in any relationship, really. Kink’s not special. But sometimes, the amount of respect a submissive gains for her dominant can get damn close to exaltation.

Not that that’s a bad thing. On the contrary. It’s just that you need to be sure where everyone stands on it now, before it gets too complicated.

Maybe your husband doesn’t care what your extramarital activities entail. Maybe he’ll be supportive of you having an intensive D/s relationship with another man, woman, whatever.

Or maybe it’s too much right now. Maybe he needs more experience to be comfortable with that. And who could blame him, really? I mean, all of this is new territory for the two of you. It’s normal to be a little nervous about something new. Especially something that can so easily make or break a relationship if all parties aren’t on board, and comfortable.

Be honest. Be open. Be willing to move at his pace. Be assertive. Just like AA, it works if you work it.

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on January 13, 2011.

  1. August 20th, 2013 at 05:25 | #1

    First of all, thank you for doing this series. I’m a kink consultant myself, so I know how many people are out there that have questions, and thinking they are stupid questions. I’m glad you devote some of your time and energy to helping this specific group of people.

    And of course she can be a submissive on occasion. There are actually not that many people who life the lifestyle 24/7 (still a few, but it’s not the majority). We also started with “bedroom D/s”, but now, bit by bit, we are working towards bringing it a bit outside of the bedroom as well, and I love it. We want to set up protocols though, but just don’t know where to start.. but up to now, SM 101 by Jay Wiseman has been a wonderful help.

  2. August 20th, 2013 at 07:24 | #2

    @Bedroom Bondage A lot of our protocols came from reading what others do, B.E.S.T. Slave Training, another site that was closed down, and the Gor novels. Last week’s kink of the week (blog meme) was protocol. You might get some ideas from there. 🙂

    The hardest part, for us, was me remembering to do them! Lol. Thanks for the comment!

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