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No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 13 – Telling the Family

September 2nd, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 13:

I dunno if you’ve met my dad, but…he’s, like, this big hulking monster who would just kill my man if he found out about how we live. My mom doesn’t really talk about sex much. And my sister’s a bit of a sensationalist. Should I tell them? Do I have to tell them? And like…how do I tell them?

You don’t have to tell your family you’re involved in a kinky relationship. Matter of fact, in some cases, I wouldn’t suggest it.

BDSM is viewed as assault in many places, and therefore, is a crime. In some of these places, no matter how long or loud you yell about consent, the court will still convict the person perceived to be the attacker. Especially with someone else in the background yelling about how awful the “abuser” is. Sometimes even without a statement from the “victim”. This, for many, is a good enough reason to keep their lifestyle and relationship dynamic a secret.

However, there are all sorts of other reasons people choose not to tell their less-than-kink-aware friends and family. Some employers, right or wrong, will fire someone over being in this type of relationship, regardless of which side they’re on. Some family members would cut their relations off because of it. Some friends would never speak to a person again.

It’s unfair. It’s a horrible way to treat someone. And it’s quite honestly none of their business. But it is what it is.

There is some argument for telling the people closest to you. Heaven forbid you forget about a bruise, and go try on clothes with your girlfriends, and they misunderstand. Eventually someone’s gonna ask why you always ask your partner’s permission before doing things, or feel the need to tell him or her everything.

But in most cases, from my perspective, there’s really no need. People don’t really need to know what you do in your bedroom unless you want them to. Being sex or kink positive doesn’t always mean telling the whole world, or anyone who’ll listen, about your relationship, or your sex life. It’s more about being who you are. Doing whatever makes you comfortable. If that’s sharing your bedroom activities with people, that’s fine. If it’s keeping them to yourself, that’s fine too. If it’s telling some people, and not telling others, that’s fine, too!

You have to decide what’s right for you, your relationship and your family. If your dad would kill your partner, I’m not sure you should tell him. Your mom might not want to hear about it if she’s as uninterested in sex as you say. Your sister might be intrigued, but she may also tell everyone about it. Or what she thinks she knows about it. And that might not be pretty.

I don’t know what my family knows, or what they think they know. I’ve never sat them down and had “the talk” with them, and I don’t know that I ever will. I doubt they’ll be supportive, and regardless, it’s really none of their business, as far as I’m concerned. They all live miles away, and we don’t talk that often. In the rare, once-every-couple-few-five-years occurrence that my family actually comes together, there’s no reason they ever have to see anything more than my day-to-day interactions with M.

I’m sure they’ve got some idea of who “wears the pants” in this relationship. I ask M permission before doing just about everything when we visit each other. I don’t commit to anything before I talk to him. If they haven’t figured something out, they’re not quite as intelligent as I thought.

But maybe your family isn’t like my family. Maybe there’s no reason not to tell your family. Maybe the only real concern you have is how to tell them.

If that’s the case, sit ‘em down. Explain to them why you think they should know.

Or just wait till conversation naturally turns to it. I mean, sometimes, when you’re sitting around with your buds, you talk about sex, and relationships, right? So when the conversation turns to that, throw in a comment or two about kink, and gauge their reaction. And if you think they’ll be okay with it, tell them about your relationship. Or don’t. Whatever feels right to you.

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on February 3, 2011.

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