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No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 14 – Things Change

September 9th, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 14:

So I’m a slave. I asked to be a slave. I want to be a slave. I love being a slave. But as the years progress, there are some things I’m realizing I need that I didn’t talk to my owner about when we were in the negotiating process. To be honest, they just never crossed my mind back then. Is it wrong for me to tell him that my needs have changed?

Disclaimer: For the purposes of this post, I will be using the term “master” in the unisex form and variations of the pronoun “they”. I dunno about you, but typing out all the slashy-speak required to cover all the genders twenty times in a post makes the ol’ fingers cramp. Like Jiz Lee, I like they.

I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but I’m going to say it again, anyway. No matter what your question, my opinion is precluded by your relationship agreement. I don’t know what your dynamic is like, and having nothing to do with your relationship, I’ve also got no influence whatsoever. As it should be.

However! Many would argue that a master who isn’t interested in their property’s needs is no master at all. In fact, some would call them abusive.

In my relationship, there is a specific way I’m supposed to handle this. I say “supposed to” because I think I’ve handled situations like this “the right way” as per our relationship agreement a grand total of zero times. I’ve got all sorts of good advice rattling around in this here head of mine. I just suck at applying it to my own life.

What? Tell me you do everything right all the time.

Here’s my advice to you.

Know exactly what you’re asking for. If it’s a need, say so. But be honest with yourself and your owner if it’s a glorified want that you’d like fulfilled. And know exactly what you’re getting yourself into with your request. Don’t say “anything” or “everything” unless you mean it.

Approach your owner respectfully. Use your best judgment. Is there a position they prefer you in? A way you’re supposed to approach them with things? Do it. That’ll show them you’re serious. And it’ll let them know you understand the decision is ultimately theirs. If it’ll put you more at ease, ask if they mind talking about it before just launching into a monologue about how you’re feeling, and why, and what you think they should do about it.

Stay calm. Getting all worked up will only get them worked up, too, and then everything you were worried about has that much more of a chance of coming to pass. I mean, really. Who wants to consider going out of their way for someone who was just an asshole? Nobody, that’s who.

Be ready to accept their answer, whatever it is. That doesn’t mean you have to be willing to stay if they can’t provide what you need. Relationships of all sorts are two way streets. Being a slave doesn’t preclude you from having needs. That just means you have to be ready to make a pretty hefty decision. Can you deal with their decision?

Be willing to compromise. Not everyone agrees with me, but you can’t go into a discussion all “This is the way I want/need it to be and nothing else will suffice.” unless your goal is to slam the door on negotiation.

Reassure yourself that your needs are important. I’ll say it again. Being a slave doesn’t preclude you from having needs.

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on September 29, 2011.

  1. September 10th, 2013 at 11:38 | #1

    I think that’s sound advice. We are always evolving and during that evolution new needs can either arise or finally be recognized. If they are true needs that one can’t live without, they have to be brought up, IMO, and I can’t think of a better way to do it.

  2. March 11th, 2014 at 14:10 | #2

    @ mala Agreed. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

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