Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 29 – Identification

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 29 – Identification

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 29:

I’m really into submission. I love everything about being controlled by my partner, from spankings to service. Thing is, I’m a rather strong personality, and everyone I know is telling me I should be a dominant. They say I’m too much of a control freak to submit. Does this mean I can’t be a submissive?

No. Nonononononononononononononono. NO!

Can you tell this is something that gets under my skin?

Let’s talk about me for a second, and then, if it’s still not clear, I’ll explain my position.

So I’m headstrong as hell. It takes an insane amount of strength to deal with me when I get it in my head that I’m right, no matter what the situation. Especially if, through the course of the situation, I find myself insulted. Then, even if I’m wrong, all rational thought goes out the window, and the only thing that matters is the fact that I was insulted.

Beyond that, if I feel like no one else is at the wheel, I will jump in the driver seat so fast your head will spin. I mean, someone’s gotta drive, damn it, or we’re gonna crash!

My ex was behind the wheel when it came to things like going out without me and/or behind my back, keeping the money (even mine) in his pocket so I could never go out without him, hiding how much money we actually had, not paying the bills, lying to all our friends so they’d love him and hate me…but when it came to actual responsibilities, he couldn’t care less about them. Things like taking care of the kids, making sure there was food in the house, and that we even had a house fell to me. And then, when I’d put my foot down because we needed…say…diapers, he’d throw a temper tantrum (sometimes threatening to commit suicide), leave the house without warning (sometimes severing contact for days at a time), and tell everyone we knew that I was bossing him around and spending all his money before he even had his paycheck.

Right. Because the definition of “bossy” is totally putting your foot down because your kids need diapers more than your man needs drugs.

For some reason, everyone believed him without question. No one ever asked me what was really going on. And no one ever tried to actually get to know me. They all just believed I was the person he told them I was.

So! When I met M, and he spoke with his ex-girlfriend (my then-best friend) about dating me, she told us both there was no way it would work because I was far too dominant to be with him.

And for a while, I believed her. It was like even I didn’t know who I was anymore. Like I’d just thrown the fantasies I’d been having since I was four-years-old out the window, and allowed other people to fill in the blanks with the kinds of things they assumed that I’d want based on the lies my ex told.

(The more I write/think/talk about my life before Master, the more I realize just how fucked up it was. I mean, I knew it was fucked up, but I never really dissected it, ya know? No wonder I feel like I should be back in therapy.)

Long story short, M agreed not to involve himself (or me) in BDSM unless and until I was comfortable with it, and I eventually confessed that I was not into being dominant; that I wanted to be controlled. In fact, being in control freaks me the fuck out. Being in control makes me feel like a selfish asshole. I can’t even be a boss right, because when I delegate, I feel like I’m pushing my responsibilities off on my employees. I mean, I can do it, and I do do it, but I feel like an asshole for doing it. Being in control just isn’t my bag, baby…unless and until the leader fails at their position. And even then, I only want to be a stand-in! Find a new leader, quick, so I can go back to being the one who follows orders.

Once I admitted that, it was time to take a long, hard look at my personality, and the things that would get in the way of my submission. That’s about when I began learning the difference between dominance in the bedroom and control (otherwise known as management) outside of the bedroom. And believe me…the two are wholly different, right down to the roles people play in each place. There are many, many people of all genders who enjoy submitting in the bedroom simply because they control so much in their life outside of the bedroom. It’s similar to coming home and changing from your work clothes into your pajamas for them. Only they hand the reigns over to their partner(s) when they get home.

I can see how that would be very freeing.

Bottom line: Your personality outside of a BDSM-type relationship has little to do with your wants and needs behind closed doors. Experiment with different things when the opportunity presents itself. Lord knows, I do (within the confines of the rules of our relationship). Listen to yourself. Be who you are. And don’t let anyone convince you you’re someone you’re not. No matter who they are.

  1. Heaven
    May 15th, 2014 at 14:29 | #1

    Wow, I can see why you were the way you were with your ex. I would be the same way. You just want to make sure you get things done. That is what I try to tell people. Also it is like that in the bedroom too. I am going to tell you what I like and don’t like if you can’t handle that then there is no reason for us to go on.

  2. Camryn
    May 15th, 2014 at 21:31 | #2

    Y’know…a lot of these questions are people second uessing themselves because of know-it-all, kinkier-than-thou folks messing with their heads, and that makes me sad.
    That being said, I’m really glad you do these. 🙂

  3. May 16th, 2014 at 11:04 | #3

    @ Heaven That’s the way it should be!

  4. May 16th, 2014 at 11:41 | #4

    @ Camryn A lot of them are. And if they weren’t emailed to me, they were ripped straight from forums. Usually posts on which the commentors make me stabby. :/

    And thanks! I hope some of the folks who are berated for their personal choices find them and feel less inferior.

  5. June 6th, 2014 at 15:16 | #5

    I can appreciate this; I am a manager at work, the primary breadwinner and generally known as being outspoken, dominant and forceful. I help people with their complaints to companies and then regulators, have a civic position and so forth, but I am also a submissive.

    And you only need to look at all the judges, politicans, noblemen through the years that loved to go to dominatrixes: I think there are some people who because they are dominant during their waking life need some balance in the bedroom, and being able to cede control for an hour or two becomes a need and addiction!

  6. June 18th, 2014 at 04:48 | #6

    Great post. I have the opposite issue – I’m a pretty chilled out person in real life and recently realised I am a bedroom dominant. Freaked me out at the time but I’m just about getting my head around it now!

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