Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > NS(K)Q: Q39 – What’s stopping me from reporting your “owner?”

NS(K)Q: Q39 – What’s stopping me from reporting your “owner?”

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see.ย To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web.ย If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 39:

I don’t believe in BDSM. You’ll never convince me that women actually like being beaten and controlled. In fact, I think all of you submissives need a good dose of feminism to wake you up and show you how you’re helping the patriarchy. What’s stopping me, or someone like me, from reporting your “owner” to the police?

~deep breath~

Where to begin…

First of all, let’s look at this “feminist” idea that women are too stupid to know they’re being manipulated, shall we?

Because you know that’s what you’re saying, right?

You can’t have it both ways. Either women are dumb sheep who can’t take care of themselves and need someone to show them the way, or women are strong, and intelligent, and capable of making their own choices. The two are polar opposites. They can’t be both.

And from where I sit, you stepping in and telling other women which choices they’re allowed to make and which choices they have to first consult your brand of feminism1 before they’re allowed to make them is even worse than what the patriarchy is doing. Your way is utterly hypocritical and even more demeaning.

Because the patriarchy? It wasn’t built by a group of men who decided they wanted to rule all the world’s women. It formed all on its own by an ever-evolving society who believed that the human female was better at child-rearing while the human male was better at hunting and protecting. And for a very long time, almost everyone was content with the way this worked. Some women even used it to their advantage. Spend five minutes in a history book, and you’ll find a great many men were completely under the spell of some woman’s “feminine wiles” and weren’t really in control at all.

The war on the patriarchy began when the human male went to war for the umpteenth time, and the human female realized that she was going to have to pick up the slack. Who wants to play second fiddle when they’re running things because first fiddle is MIA? No matter why first fiddle is MIA, the answer is: no one.

I mean, maybe it didn’t go down just like that2. We also have to take into consideration the idea that women were looking at men doing men things and going, “That looks like fun. Why can’t I do that?” and finding the answer to be, “Because a man says I can’t.” to which they responded, “Fuck. That.”

Woohoo! I fucking love those women. Fuck that, indeed!

But even there, I hardly think all of the men telling women they weren’t allowed to do men things were doing it out of some misguided attempt to hold women down or discriminate against them.

Years ago, when I called my grandfather, all excited, because I’d landed my first “man job3,” he told me I should find “a nice woman’s job, like a bank teller or sales rep,” and my grandfather wanted nothing but the best for all of his grandchildren. He just didn’t like to see women getting their hands dirty. That’s the man’s job. If a woman is getting her hands dirty, her man isn’t doing his job. Which is sexist (toward both women AND men), I’ll admit, but my grandfather was in his 90s when he finally succumbed to the deep sleep a few years ago, so that he was able to accept women in the work force at all is a huge plus in his favor, I’d say.

Honestly, what I think it all boils down to is the irresistible status quo, and the worry that men wouldn’t be men anymore if women started doing men things.

That’s a scary thought for cisgender men, then and now. That’s a scary thought for me, and I’m not even completely attached to my gender identity. I mean, do I feel like a woman? I don’t know! What does it even mean to “feel like a woman”? I have a vagina4. It feels like a vagina. Does that count as “feeling like a woman”? But the idea of someone taking my womanhood away from me infuriates and frightens me. So I know where cisgender men are coming from.

Besides that, the patriarchy isn’t telling me that I shouldn’t allow myself to be dependent upon my husband. The patriarchy isn’t telling me I’m too stupid to make decisions for myself. The patriarchy isn’t telling me that some outside entity has made all my decisions for me, and I’m just plodding along allowing it. YOU are.

The patriarchy is just being the patriarchy, and saying it’s content with the current status quo–which won’t be the status quo anymore once we’re able to get the old, rich, white men out of positions of power, and start inserting people who know what it’s actually like living in today’s society (and not on a sky high pedestal built on someone else’s blood, sweat, and tears) in their place. I know it. You know it. Hell, they know it. It’s why they’re so terrified of losing their tax breaks and elevating the impoverished.

Every submissive/slave/bottom I know (male AND female) sought out their relationship dynamic. No one coerced them. No one put the idea in their head. No one brainwashed them into thinking they couldn’t live without someone controlling (some aspects of) their lives.

They learned about kink on their own. They realized that kink turns them on. They went looking for someone who would cater to their specific kinks while they catered to the kinks of their someone.

Bottom line, though? Feminism is the reason I’m able to live the way I do today. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

As for your question…

Nothing is stopping you (or another misguided soul like you) from reporting my owner. While you’re at it, feel free to go through my archive and pull photographic proof. I’ll happily use my (12-year-old) blog, and my contract, and my 5,000 Twitter followers (or at least the ones who are willing) to set a precedent for using consent and happiness as a defense. Including all the posts where I use far too many words to defend5 the multiple times he’s agreed to back off because I couldn’t handle it.

But before you do, consider this:

I asked him for this lifestyle.

When we first met, I lied a lie so completely over the top that it’s laughable, and anyone who actually knew me would have known right away that it was a lie. I told him I wasn’t into kink. I said I’d love to date him, but he would have to drop all that kinky bullshit because it just wasn’t me. And he agreed.

He wanted me. He wanted to control me, too, because that comes natural to a dominant sadist like him when they meet a headstrong firecracker like me, but ultimately, he just wanted me, in whatever form he could have me. He even agreed to just date and fuck, no strings attached, when I told him I didn’t think I was ready for another relationship, and that is so completely out of the realm of what he’s normally comfortable with that it’s insane that he did.

And then, one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be spanked and fucked and collared so fucking bad, that I just blurted out, “I lied. I’m totally kinky. I want to submit to you.” (or something…it was 12 years ago, cut me some slack)

Before I was in this relationship, I was a ticking time bomb; an adrenaline junkie. I put myself in horrifying situations, knowing full well what I was doing to myself, and expecting to wake up dead one day. I didn’t take care of myself, and I didn’t care. Back then, I truly had no fucks to give. Not a single one.

I did drink constantly, do all kinds of street drugs until I couldn’t function without them, and hang around with an abusive, violent crowd. I had no support network. Literally no one cared about me. Or if they did, they did fuck all to show it. Including my family.

Today, I have made a (very small, in the grand scheme of things) name for myself in my little corner of the internet. I’ve held down multiple jobs (before leaving due to irreconcilable differences, like the boss calling me a “fucking idiot” to my face when I informed her it was taking hours for the oven to reach temp–for the record, the heating element was broken). I even managed to land a job as Editor In Chief of a well known (at the time) adult e-publication and held it just fine until the boss’s last brain cell melted, and he hacksawed an entire (dysfunctional but thriving) community to pieces.

I fucking love life. Like, really, really fucking love it. And I live the shit out of it how I want to. I’m happy. I’m (mostly) healthy. I’m confident. I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore. I have some fucks to give.

I’m fucking thriving, not just surviving. I’ve never been able to say that before. Never.

I probably could have pulled myself up by the bootstraps by myself if I wanted to, but knowing myself like I do, I can say with a good amount of certainty that I wouldn’t have. The thought didn’t even occur to me until M flat out demanded that I be better. I mean, not that I heal over night, but that I stop acting like a wounded puppy, and start fucking living my life how I want to live my life. And I am eternally grateful.

Without him, there is no me. Not just because he’s fostered that mindset, but because it has been true since the day he gave me permission to be myself. No one had ever done that.

This isn’t always the case. Most people are fully stable when they enter into a BDSM-related relationship, and some would argue that they should be. Those folks are looking to scratch an itch of a different kind. They don’t need someone else in control of them to feel like they have worth in someone’s eyes, or enjoy the release of feeling pain physically instead of emotionally for a little while, or enjoy the many other things that draw me to kink that are considered “unhealthy”.

They just enjoy it. That’s it. And who the fuck are you to tell them that they can’t? Seriously.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

1. I say “your brand” because most of the feminists I surround myself with believe that feminism is really and truly about giving women the right to choose, and accepting their choices, and not making their choices for them based on convoluted ideals.
2. These are, obviously, over-simplified explanations. I realize there was a lot more involved in the beginning of the feminist movement. I don’t need a lecture on feminism, or its history, thank you.
3. I was running veneer dryers in a plywood factory. There were only two other female factory employees. The rest worked in the office.
4. I’m being facetious, here. Having a vagina does not a woman make.
5. In some circles in the kink community, a dominant willing to give up some control over his submissive, even temporarily and no matter the reason, is considered a pussy, so I’m always feeling the need to defend his position. In my opinion, though, this takes immense strength, and proves that my owner is responsible and actually cares for me.

  1. November 5th, 2014 at 17:39 | #1

    OMG, this is the best fucking answer to this kind of question I’ve ever seen!!

    I am a feminist, working to change laws and attitudes about rape and sexual assault and I am an owned submissive to the most loving and wonderful man who supports me in everything I want to do.

    I could relate to everything you said here, in some ways, it was like you got into my head and said all of the things I have felt at one time.

    I am a strong, capable woman, a leader in most things in my life and I denied my kinky side for a very long time. I “discovered” bdsm and D/s very late in life, but I have no regrets. I was lucky to find men my age who encouraged me and taught me until I found one to ultimately submit to. Each one of these men were totally supportive of women’s rights, and in learning about the lifestyle, reading sites and blogs, I’ve found that most men are, and most women who identify with being submissives are feminists.

    As usual, the person who wrote this question is naive and uneducated about this subject, I imagine that is true of others as well. I am also a Pagan and constantly run up against people who have no idea what that means, they only know what others (usually who are against any non-Christian belief system) has told them, but never really researched what my religion is all about, or actually talked to someone who practices it. It’s the same narrow minded attitude with BDSM, which is why people of both lifestyles tend to hide it and live in the “closet”.

    Thank you for writing this. I’m sure you will not change the mind of the person who wrote this, she obviously has an “holier-than-thou” attitude. But you might help to change the mind of others and at the very least give great support to all of us feminist submissives who live this life and does so by choice and are not forced into it.

    Cindi Rose

  2. November 5th, 2014 at 19:17 | #2

    I fucking love you! Seriously, this idea of feminism is the reason why people get so turned off when feminism is brought up. Stop being judgement and start being supportive that women are making decisions even if you don’t agree with those decisions.

  3. November 5th, 2014 at 21:25 | #3

    I have never really identified as a feminist, probably because of all the feminazi bullshitters trying to tell me that the way I live my life somehow hurts the world because I submit to a man. But, I was under the impression that feminism was about the ability to choose. If I have to be independent, take no shit from no man, and all that jazz, I find that just as oppressive as if I did not have the choice to be those things. And I find it absolutely ridiculous when someone tells me my relationship hurts women as a gender and means I’m somehow mentally ill.

  4. November 6th, 2014 at 11:33 | #4

    AMEN! Your answer was perfect!

  5. November 6th, 2014 at 12:00 | #5

    @ Rosebud Bliss Aww thank you for your comment. I’m glad I was able to express what you were thinking.

    It’s really frustrating how many people make snap judgments about things for which they have almost no knowledge base, but even more so when their malformed opinions can cause harm to someone they don’t even know.

    We’re Pagan, too. Well…I should say M’s Pagan, and I’m Agnostic. We deal with a lot of weirdness over it, right down to M’s mother’s roommate going to our handfasting fully intending to make fun of the ceremony. It sucks, and it’s infuriating. But in the defense of the anti-non-christian crowd, Webster’s still defines Pagan as “not Christian/evil,” so it’s a script we’re still fighting to change.

  6. November 6th, 2014 at 15:09 | #6

    Seriously amazing.

  7. November 6th, 2014 at 15:41 | #7

    @ Beck Exactly! Thanks for the comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. November 6th, 2014 at 15:41 | #8

    @ Simina Agreed. Thanks for commenting!

  9. November 6th, 2014 at 15:42 | #9

    @ Jessica Cocker ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you.

  10. November 6th, 2014 at 15:42 | #10

    @ Sandra <3 Thanks, Sandra! Hope things are good with you!

  11. Rosebud Bliss
    November 7th, 2014 at 06:15 | #11

    @ Rayne Millaray

    It’s sad that people take the time to judge but do not take the time to educate themselves on the subject they are judging. Trying to understand others really is not that hard.

  12. November 14th, 2014 at 11:54 | #12

    I absolutely love your response to this question! It is questions like this and other so called feminist stances that turn me completely off to the feminist movement. I am honestly of the opinion if one is truly for equal rights they would not label themselves as a feminist. They would however be vocal for equal rights for all groups and fight for one’s right to choose to live as they see fit. In my opinion that is a huge downfall for any movement that pro one sex, gender, race, or lifestyle. They are missing the boat that equality should not impact or limit others choices.

  13. November 26th, 2014 at 08:58 | #13

    Well articulated response, if a bit of a history/political agenda lesson thrown in; it was both an educated and personal reflection.

  14. November 26th, 2014 at 14:00 | #14

    @ Cammies on the Floor Lol. Most of what I write/talk about falls under one of those categories. It’s just who I am. Thanks!

  15. November 26th, 2014 at 14:04 | #15

    @ Alice King So there’s nothing wrong with the feminist movement, in general, but the radicals are what get to me. This idea that feminism is totally about relieving women of oppression and that a BDSM relationship reinforces oppression really frustrates me. Feminism is about equality, and the right to make your own life choices. My life choices have absolutely no bearing on the lives of strangers. Don’t like my life choices? Don’t read my blog. It’s not like you have to deal with me outside of the internet. Ya know?

    Thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. Marga
    December 7th, 2014 at 11:24 | #16

    Very precice, ripe, robust, meaty and to the point. Thank you very much! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Standing ovation from Titia, Bob and marga in the Netherlands

  17. Marga
    December 7th, 2014 at 11:33 | #17

    I meant to write “precise” … Sorry ๐Ÿ˜‰

  18. December 8th, 2014 at 10:40 | #18

    @ Marga =D No worries! I am the typo queen. Thanks for the comment! And the standing O. <3

  19. January 2nd, 2015 at 13:13 | #19

    I’m a bit late to the party, coming to this post from another, but I would like to add my thoughts, if that’s okay (if not, that’s why they have a delete button).

    I would start with the first basic premise of feminism: all human beings have equal worth and deserve an equal share of dignity. The follow-up to that is this belief: all humans have the right to self-determination, so long as their chosen path does not violate the chosen path of another.

    It doesn’t matter is someone “believe[s] in BDSM” or not any more or less than if one believes in “true love” or not. Or spirituality or baseball or any other example one wants to use. If we say “BDSM” then others have a good idea what we mean. If it is nothing more than a social construct used to describe a variety and range of specific behaviors; then it is useful to have such a construct.

    A generation ago, it was believed that BDSM was a symptom of a mental illness. It should be noted, however, that this was the same generation that believed same sex attraction was a mental illness, and Lou Reed was treated for this illness as a teenager via electro-convulsive therapy. Masturbation was considered morally reprehensible, and infant circumcision was put forth as a prevention measure. I should add “for men” to that because women were believed to be physically incapable of enjoying sex, so they would, obviously, never masturbate.

    Is this what your questioner would have us return to?

    At its heart, BDSM is about control – not only the Dominant’s control of the submissive, but the submissive’s ability to control their actions as directed and the Dominant’s ability to control their desire for and indulgence in authority. This is not mindless ownership of another human that strips them of their humanity. This is mindful management of a willing partner and mutual desires. It uplifts the humanity of both partners because it affirms their need and desire for each other.

    As for masochism, it is true that some feel the need for self injury when in the grip of mental illness – and some are able to use others to fill that need. I know when my depression was at its peak, I needed to hurt myself, and I did so in ways that caused some permanent impairment. It was a sickness, or at least a symptom of one. But I have also experienced erotic pain within a BDSM context. The two are as unlike as a hunger strike and forced starvation. Your questioner doubts whether people (she specifies “women”, but I am enlarging this to include myself) can enjoy pain (beatings). Well, I have experienced pain that resulted in the production of an erection. I can attest, from the first-hand view, that it was a result of erotic excitement, and not just a case of a willful penis showing off.

    Your questioner is free to disbelieve in anything they wish. People are entitled to their own opinions. However, as Patrick Moynihan so eloquently pointed out, they are not entitled to their own facts. BDSM is real. People do enjoy letting others control (or “lead”) them. Some people do derive emotional and physical pleasure from pain. Most importantly, so long as it is a freely chosen path (we can debate what that means, if anyone wishes), BDSM is not antithetical to feminism. In fact, it is only attainable because feminism has torn down the walls of gender-based prisons and sex-based identities so that we can each form a life that is fulfilling to no one but the one who lives it.

  20. January 4th, 2015 at 14:22 | #20

    I got to this party late.

    “And from where I sit, you stepping in and telling other women which choices theyโ€™re allowed to make and which choices they have to consult your brand of feminism before theyโ€™re allowed to make them is even worse than what the patriarchy is doing. Your way is utterly hypocritical and even more demeaning.”

    Perfect. This post rocks.

%d bloggers like this: