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NS(K)Q: Q48 – Cumming Kills the Party

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 48:

I know you say there are no stupid questions, but I feel like this is a REALLY stupid question.

I’m the Dom, and I’ve been doing D/s with my wife (of several years) for several months now, and I always have the same problem.

I’m a sadist and I really love to work on her. I love bondage and humiliation and she gets off on both. The problem is that after I come, I turn into a peacenik; I just can’t bring myself to hit or hurt or command or demand. If my sub is in predicament when I come, I instinctively rip her out of it like I’m rescuing her from Snively Whiplash. It’s a real scene killer.

How do I keep the kink going post-orgasm? Writing it out like this makes it seem silly, but it really is starting to be an issue.

Actually, this is pretty common. For many (top or bottom), sadomasochistic fantasies are wholly driven by sexual desire. Once that sexual desire is fulfilled, many find they’re no longer interested, or are embarrassed or ashamed by their fantasies.

Besides that, BDSM is a process for everyone. You can’t really go from A to Z without working through B through Y first. And that goes doubly for when you’re just starting out.

BDSM is not a wholly sexual thing. In fact, some kinky play sessions don’t involve sex or orgasms at all. Professional dominants and submissives rarely engage in intercourse, focusing their sessions on service, bondage, and impact play instead. Many relationship dynamics within “the scene” (mine included) encompass life in totality, and not just bedroom antics. But you and yours have to decide for yourselves if this rings true for you.

If BDSM isn’t wholly sexual for you, and you would like to maintain your roles outside of the bedroom, then your “problem” (for lack of a better word) might be related to “Dominant Guilt”. In this series, I recently published some tips for how a submissive can help their dominant combat Dominant Guilt here. It’s possible the reason you can’t continue to top her once you’re satisfied is because once you’re out of that ultra-aroused state, society’s belief that causing others pain or discomfort is bad starts to take over. If that’s the case, some of my suggestions in that post would be helpful to you.

With regard to giving her orders outside of the bedroom, maybe start small with things she already does anyway; like doing dishes, or taking the dogs out. (Just throwing out chores I know people have, here…whatever it is she does around the house would work.) You’ll be less likely to feel guilty about telling her to do things she already does.

Once you get comfortable with telling her to do small things, move it up to more hefty orders, like fetching you things, or kneeling in the corner to wait to be needed, or something.

It sounds to me like there might be other mitigating factors, here, though.

It seems like for you, an orgasm is the end of a sexual encounter, which is why orgasms are ending your play sessions. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn’t have to be that way, either. There are some great tips on kinkly.com for getting out of the goal-oriented sex rut, like the ones in this article by JoEllen, the Redhead Bedhead.

If you absolutely want an orgasm (your orgasm) to be the end of the scene, then perhaps find ways to stave off your orgasm until a scene is finished. My owner tends to edge, using me as his masturbation tool, until he’s finished with me, and says the end result is explosive, mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasms (sometimes multiples) that he doesn’t tend to get from shorter sessions.

This works out for us because M (my owner) is completely in control of where a play session goes. He controls when it begins, when it ends, and what happens during the scene. This is just our dynamic.

Some people don’t work this way. Instead, they choose to negotiate a play session beforehand, planning out how the bottom will be bound, what toys the top will use and how, how long the session will be, etc. If you choose this route, you and your bottom will have a general idea of when the session will end, so when you climax and pull her out of whatever predicament you put her in, she will be expecting it and can better prepare.

However, there’s always going to be a time when you’re ready for the scene to be over, and she’s not, and vice versa. In this case, I’d recommend some aftercare (for both of you) to help whoever’s still in the scene to come back to real life comfortably. Instead of just yanking her out of whatever predicament she’s in, do it slowly, and talk her through it; ask her if she’s ready to come down. When you’ve finished, cuddle up on the bed, or the floor, or where ever’s most comfortable, and talk about the play session; what each of you liked, and what you didn’t. Have some water (or your favorite beverage, but water’s best) on hand, and a bit of your favorite snacks to munch on to replenish the energy you both just exerted. Whatever works for you.

  1. February 25th, 2015 at 21:16 | #1

    As for me, I can handle more pain after an orgasm than before. I’ve asked around and it appears I’m a minority with that (along with preferring sting to thud).

    Just thought I’d share my experience.

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