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NS(K)Q: Q52: He Wants the Gift of Submission

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 52:

My longterm boyfriend recently discovered Fifty Shades of Grey. (You’re rolling your eyes so hard I can hear them. Stop it.) I pointed him to this video, and suggested that he do more research, and now he’s talking about ‘the gift of submission’, and how awesome it would be if I could find it within myself to give him that gift. I’m all about kinky sex, but I don’t think I’m cut out for submission. What do I do?

Well, first of all, it sounds like your boyfriend is still taking his cues from Christian Grey. Check out this post on Upworthy.com to see what I mean.

BDSM is not about being coerced into being something you’re not1. Consent can not be coerced or forced. I can’t express this enough.

Beyond that, I don’t really buy into the theory that submission is a gift.

A gift is something you give freely without the expectation of anything in return. My submission is not a gift. I submit to my owner with the full expectation that he will keep me safe when I’m in his control. I submit to him with the expectation that he will reciprocate my submission with his domination. My submission is more of an exchange.

With or without that in mind, if you’re not into submission, what do you get out of giving it to him? Great sex? You can have that without being a submissive. Emotional bonding? Don’t have to be a submissive for that. Love? If he suddenly can’t love you without controlling you, he’s not a dominant, he’s an asshole.

Ultimately, while you do need more input from your boyfriend, the person who answers your question has to be you. Has a d/s relationship become something he thinks he needs? What does being a submissive to your boyfriend look like to him? Are you interested in doing the things he thinks a submissive ought to do?

If you want to (emphasis on WANT TO), you could always negotiate a bargain. “Okay, I’ll try submission for this amount of time. This is your idea of submission. This is my idea of submission. Let’s find some common ground between the two so both of us will have the best time possible during this trial, and at the end, we’ll decide where to go.” If you’re still not sure you’re into it when your trial period is over, drop it if you want, or stick with it if you want to explore it further.

But if you’re pretty sure already that being in a dominant/submissive relationship is not something you’re into, then just tell your boyfriend that. Explain to him that you’re all about the kinky stuff you get up to in the bedroom, but you’re not interested in giving control of your life, mind, or body over to him or anyone.

What happens next is pretty much up to him. If he decides this is something he needs, and it’s not something you’re willing to fulfill, I promise you there’s a better fit out there for you somewhere.

1. Except in the cases of consensual non-consent relationships, and/or people who have expressly consented to being coerced.

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