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NS(K)Q: Q58 – Should we open our relationship?

January 22nd, 2016

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 58:

My wife and I have been talking about opening up our relationship. The idea is rather tempting. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, currently, we just thought it might be fun to try swinging, and then, if we like that, maybe just opening it up fully. But I follow these people on Twitter who are in the middle of a divorce. They opened up their relationship, and it ended the relationship. Both of them insist that this is a positive thing. That they would have stayed in a miserable relationship forever if they hadn’t opened the relationship. But I’m not in a miserable relationship. I’m in a great relationship and I don’t want to ruin it.

So give it to me straight. How often does an open relationship kill a marriage? Should I just back out? I don’t want to ruin my wife’s fun, but I’d rather that than lose her. What should I do?

So obviously, I can’t give you specific statistics on how many marriages end in divorce because the couple decided to open their relationship. And if I could, I wouldn’t be able to tell you how many of those relationships were rock solid before they opened their relationship. Partly because people just aren’t that honest with themselves and each other, but also because those statistics just don’t exist.

I can give you statistics on infidelity and divorce. But opening the relationship is not infidelity. It’s two people agreeing that intimacy outside their primary relationship is okay.

It sounds like the couple you follow on Twitter opened their relationship without fixing the problems they already had, or determining if there was even a relationship to open. They say their relationship was miserable before they opened it. They opened it hoping opening it would solve problems.

Opening a relationship that is already in jeopardy is far more likely to shine a giant blinding spotlight on problems within the relationship than to fix them.

Your relationship is not miserable. I can’t guarantee that’ll keep it in tact through swinging and potentially opening the relationship, but I can tell you that it seriously ups the odds.

As for whether or not you should open your relationship, only you and your wife can answer that. But it sounds like you’re both on board. It sounds like your relationship is healthy. It sounds like you both want to do it for healthy reasons. So I don’t feel like it’ll be a huge problem.

If you’re still worried, make some rules for each other. Fair rules, though. No rules for one that don’t apply to the other, and no rules that make swinging impossible or pointless. Find a swinging group in your area. Do some experimenting with the mindset that it is literally only experimenting and that either of you can back out at any time. And if you like it, great! If you don’t, no one gets hurt.

Hopefully. Sometimes people get hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that.

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