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NS(K)Q: Q62 – Where To Find A Kinky Couple

February 26th, 2016

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 62:

I’m so interested in getting into a kink lifestyle but have no idea where to begin. I want to eventually become a 24/7 live in bdsm slave, belonging to a male master and his submissive. I want to be the ultimate toy to two people. Any tips/hints/suggestions of where to look? How do I meet people that are into this? How do I find meet ups? Is it common for people to do a trial run first? Any tips are appreciated!

As I’m sure you can imagine, there are a few ways to find likeminded people in the lifestyle.

For me, it just sort of fell into my lap. A woman moved in next door to me who had children with a man who was very into the lifestyle. He and I met one day while he was picking up his children and I was walking my dog, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I think it’s probably safe to say this doesn’t happen very often.

A lot of people meet their partners online, these days, whether or not they’re looking for a kinky relationship. There used to be all sorts of chatrooms for people interested in BDSM on sites like Yahoo, and on IRC. There might still be, but I haven’t lurked in those places in years. Drama killed my interest in most of the kinky IRC chats, and I stopped using Yahoo when I stopped looking for hookups (13 years ago) so I have no idea what goes on there. Are chatrooms even a thing anymore?

There are BDSM groups on Google+ (Google says they’re disabling that platform, but they’ve said that before, and it’s still there), and on Facebook. Some of those require an invite, though, because a lot of them are local groups, and a lot of us kinksters have to be really careful about who finds out about our bedroom shenanigans.

Some people look for kinky partners on CollarMe.org. I’ve never used the platform because it became a thing while I was with my owner. I hear there are a lot of people on there who are just looking for hookups, or whatever, but you get that everywhere. I mean, everywhere. In bars, at munches, on Facebook. It’s just a fact of life, ya know? Like poop. Everybody poops.

A day or two ago, I found @BDSMEvents on Twitter. Their site is BDSMEventsCalendar.com. I don’t know how comprehensive it is, or how many kink groups/functions use it or even know about it because, like I said, I just found it.

Probably the best place to find a partner online is Fetlife. Fetlife is free to join, and has multiple Classifieds type groups where you can express your interest and find people interested in the same things–though I might hold back the “ultimate toy” part until you’ve talked to the person(people) you’re interested in a few times and can trust them not to use and/or exploit you in ways you’re not interested in being used or exploited.

You can also use Fetlife to find kink communities near you. A lot of munch groups, BDSM functions, and sexuality conferences use Fetlife as a way of advertising their events because it’s less likely they’ll end up with non-kinksters trying to crash the party. There are also groups for local munch groups and for local people to meet each other online before meeting in person. You just have to search for your area.

A lot of kinksters suggest looking for partners at munches and play parties only because you’re meeting these people in public around other people who know them and can get a better idea of who they are. Their concerns are valid, but most of the people I know met their partners online and nobody’s head fell off.

My most important piece of advice is: Safety First. If you go the online classifieds route, make sure you talk to the people you’re interested in a few times online before meeting them in person. Discuss everything openly and honestly, from boundaries, to fetishes, to how far you’re willing to travel. Maybe get some references for them from people who know them. Meet them in a public place the first time you meet face-to-face; either at a munch, or a coffee shop, or where ever you’re most comfortable. Make sure someone you trust knows where you’re going and who you’re going with, and keep in touch with them until you’re home safe (see: safe call).

Trial runs are absolutely a thing. So much goes into whether or not you will be compatible with someone, and especially if the end goal is to integrate yourself into an already existing couple. That means there’s three different personalities that have to work together, and the potential for three different playing styles and sets of fetishes. There’s the dynamics of your relationship with the dominant and your relationship with the submissive to be worked out. It’s like a 3 piece jigsaw puzzle, but each of the pieces is one of those puzzles where you have to reorganize the image until the edges fit together. Not impossible but it does require work from everyone involved.

Course, M and I are always looking for someone to play with, so you could just forgo all that shit and come hang out with us.

Just kidding. Don’t ever involve yourself with anyone who suggests you forgo the safety aspect of meeting a potential kinky partner. In all honesty, if you weren’t just as diligent in getting to know M and me, we’d actually be worried about your mental and emotional state. Having a blog that offers kink advice does not a trustworthy person make. Not that we’re not trustworthy…just that I wouldn’t want anyone to use a blog (which cannot possibly cover all points of who people are because that’s literally impossible) as proof that a person is safe to play with.

Have fun in your search! Hope you find what you’re looking for!

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