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Apparently, we’re moving again.

May 17th, 2017 No comments

Edited at 9:15pm: Landlord just called. WE DON’T HAVE TO MOVE!

We were recently told we’re probably going to have to move. It probably serves me right for being so braggadocios about the location, but I’m not even sorry.

What I am is pissed. And sad. And stressed the fuck out.

The landlord told us two days before I went in for breast cancer screening, and a few days after we found out that M has gum disease so severe that the dentist is extremely concerned about his health, and needs $10,000 in oral surgery (our insurance covers $1,000). And the next day, our car broke.

Three or four months ago, I found a lump in my breast, and I ignored it because I’ve had lumps before, and they went away. This one didn’t go away. In fact, it got larger. Eventually, I told M, and tried to get an appointment to be seen, and that day was so fucking frustrating that I pretty much cried and screamed all day.

I lost count of how many doctors I called.

My primary care physician refused to see me for the lump until I had a physical done because my last one was in 2015, and she didn’t have any physical appointments open until May. I called her around the end of March. Because catching breast cancer early is so important, I really wanted to punch her in the face. Like, seriously. Like, I’ve never wanted to punch someone so bad in my life. I won’t be seeing that doctor again. Not even if she’s the only doctor left on the planet. Read more…

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How to Handle Transgender Name Changes as a Cisgender Person

May 3rd, 2017 No comments

When I was in 9th grade, I met a boy. THE boy.

Or, you know, so I thought in 9th grade…and then 10th grade…and then part of 11th grade…and then I rarely spoke to him because his girlfriend was crazy jealous of me and showed up at my parents’ house with friends and baseball bats and threatened to beat me to death if I did, and it was easier for him if I stayed away because when we got caught talking, she’d threaten suicide. ANYway…

He was the boy that got away. The one I would always (I thought in high school) love more than anyone else. And probably the biggest point of contention between me and my ex (besides the abuse) even though most of the time, I didn’t even see or talk to him because of the aforementioned girlfriend.

I’m not in love with him anymore, obviously, but I think about him occasionally. Did he ever reach his life goal of owning a McDonalds? Did he get away from the aforementioned abusive girl he dated on and off throughout high school? Does he still hang out with the people we used to hang out with? Did he ever put together that jazz band he wanted?

But most of all, I think about his name. Read more…

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If it weren’t for bad luck…

January 20th, 2017 1 comment

Last week was absolute hell. It extended into this week, and I 100% wanted to shoot someone.

Okay. That’s a lie. I never actually want to shoot someone. Or stab someone. Or punch someone (unless they punched me first). I should probably stop saying it.

It started with the propane/oil company. I called them on Thursday (1/5) to set up a tank fill because we were on 1/8 of a tank. I probably shouldn’t have waited that long, but we have 30 days to pay the bill, and we knew it would be a lot of money that we wouldn’t be able to pay until M got paid, so we wanted to make sure we’d have plenty of time.

When I called, the lady was all, “Oh, you need a fill soon! I’ll get that set up and we’ll be over in a couple of days.” Then the temperature dipped below 0 a couple of times over the weekend, and suddenly, it was Monday, and we were on E and they still hadn’t showed up. So I called again. And she started lecturing me about keeping a close eye on my tank like she hadn’t told me on Thursday that she would get someone out there immediately to fill it.

They offered to “try to fit you in” on Tuesday, and they managed, but by that time, the tank was empty, and we were trying to heat our house with space heaters. Read more…

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Social Anxiety Sucks Ass

January 13th, 2017 No comments

So the other day, I had a pretty major panic attack. It was ridiculous. I know it was ridiculous. But I couldn’t make it stop.

We were grocery shopping at the Middle of Nowhere grocery store.

I love the place. Everyone is really nice, including the customers. A few of the cashiers seem to sense my social anxiety and try not to freak me out too much. This one woman complimented me on my jingle bells hair ties around Christmas, and the way she said it, it was clear she was really trying not to make me uncomfortable. It was sweet, and I appreciated it.

I still got really uncomfortable, because I felt like I was holding up the line, and heaven fucking forbid you have a genuine, nice conversation with the cashier, any time of the year, if there are customers behind you. And if you do it during the holidays when, no matter where you live, there are a million more shoppers out every single day? Gah! You are the devil.

The impatience of the people behind me was probably mostly in my head, but I can’t deal with that kind of pressure. So I rushed her through the conversation and left while the woman bagging was still speaking. And felt even worse. But I didn’t have a panic attack about that. Read more…

#JanuaryGoals An Update

January 6th, 2017 No comments

This is probably not going to become a thing. I tried doing weekly updates once before, but they got redundant and annoying and blah. To me, anyway. No one else ever said as much.

But right now, I’m in a really good place mentally, and it’s a huge turn for me, and so I wanted to talk about where I’m at before the Monthly Monster drags me down into the bottomless pit of despair like it always does. I can already feel it tugging at the edges of my mind, trying to make me question myself, so I gotta make this fast!

Of the last 10 days, I’ve missed 4 days of exercise. All of them intentional.

I refuse to apologize for the first three because it was the last Friday of 2016, New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day. My excuse is boooooooooooooooze. Plus, I wasn’t really planning on hitting it hard until the new year, anyway. New year, new start, and all that jazz.

I know a lot of people have been bashing the fuck out of the “new year, new start” crowd, lately, but I don’t give a fuck. It’s becoming a really helpful coping mechanism for me, especially in light of 2016 being such a shit year. I’ve made some bad decisions. I’ve done some fucked up shit. I don’t even know who all I hurt/owe apologies to.

But that was the old me. That was 2016 me. 2017 me will be better. Read more…

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#SunnySunday Happy New Year! #JanuaryGoals

January 1st, 2017 No comments

I can’t say that I’m sad to see 2016 go. So many of my childhood heroes have passed. We elected a narcissistic racist rapist to be our Commander In Chief. The people of our country are showing their true colors every single day on the internet. This was a real headline: “Hillary Clinton Sends Thank-You Letter to ‘Slut’ Who Is Proud of Her Sexually Transmitted Disease.”

2016 can fuck right the fuck off, thanks.

Last year, I said I wasn’t going to post site goals or New Year’s Resolutions. And I’m still not. At least, not in the way that I usually do. I’m not sure where I’m going with the site, this year. I’m not sure what I want to get out of 2017, yet. All I know for sure is what I want to stop doing.

I want to stop making promises to myself and not keeping them.

I want to stop allowing my mental illness to paralyze me.

I want to start setting and achieving goals.

So I have four goals for January. Read more…

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