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Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

Apparently, we’re moving again.

May 17th, 2017 No comments

Edited at 9:15pm: Landlord just called. WE DON’T HAVE TO MOVE!

We were recently told we’re probably going to have to move. It probably serves me right for being so braggadocios about the location, but I’m not even sorry.

What I am is pissed. And sad. And stressed the fuck out.

The landlord told us two days before I went in for breast cancer screening, and a few days after we found out that M has gum disease so severe that the dentist is extremely concerned about his health, and needs $10,000 in oral surgery (our insurance covers $1,000). And the next day, our car broke.

Three or four months ago, I found a lump in my breast, and I ignored it because I’ve had lumps before, and they went away. This one didn’t go away. In fact, it got larger. Eventually, I told M, and tried to get an appointment to be seen, and that day was so fucking frustrating that I pretty much cried and screamed all day.

I lost count of how many doctors I called.

My primary care physician refused to see me for the lump until I had a physical done because my last one was in 2015, and she didn’t have any physical appointments open until May. I called her around the end of March. Because catching breast cancer early is so important, I really wanted to punch her in the face. Like, seriously. Like, I’ve never wanted to punch someone so bad in my life. I won’t be seeing that doctor again. Not even if she’s the only doctor left on the planet. Read more…

Social Anxiety Sucks Ass

January 13th, 2017 No comments

So the other day, I had a pretty major panic attack. It was ridiculous. I know it was ridiculous. But I couldn’t make it stop.

We were grocery shopping at the Middle of Nowhere grocery store.

I love the place. Everyone is really nice, including the customers. A few of the cashiers seem to sense my social anxiety and try not to freak me out too much. This one woman complimented me on my jingle bells hair ties around Christmas, and the way she said it, it was clear she was really trying not to make me uncomfortable. It was sweet, and I appreciated it.

I still got really uncomfortable, because I felt like I was holding up the line, and heaven fucking forbid you have a genuine, nice conversation with the cashier, any time of the year, if there are customers behind you. And if you do it during the holidays when, no matter where you live, there are a million more shoppers out every single day? Gah! You are the devil.

The impatience of the people behind me was probably mostly in my head, but I can’t deal with that kind of pressure. So I rushed her through the conversation and left while the woman bagging was still speaking. And felt even worse. But I didn’t have a panic attack about that. Read more…

#JanuaryGoals An Update

January 6th, 2017 No comments

This is probably not going to become a thing. I tried doing weekly updates once before, but they got redundant and annoying and blah. To me, anyway. No one else ever said as much.

But right now, I’m in a really good place mentally, and it’s a huge turn for me, and so I wanted to talk about where I’m at before the Monthly Monster drags me down into the bottomless pit of despair like it always does. I can already feel it tugging at the edges of my mind, trying to make me question myself, so I gotta make this fast!

Of the last 10 days, I’ve missed 4 days of exercise. All of them intentional.

I refuse to apologize for the first three because it was the last Friday of 2016, New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day. My excuse is boooooooooooooooze. Plus, I wasn’t really planning on hitting it hard until the new year, anyway. New year, new start, and all that jazz.

I know a lot of people have been bashing the fuck out of the “new year, new start” crowd, lately, but I don’t give a fuck. It’s becoming a really helpful coping mechanism for me, especially in light of 2016 being such a shit year. I’ve made some bad decisions. I’ve done some fucked up shit. I don’t even know who all I hurt/owe apologies to.

But that was the old me. That was 2016 me. 2017 me will be better. Read more…

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Treading Water

December 8th, 2016 1 comment

From the summer of 2014 until 2016, I went through a bit of an existential crisis.

I hate admitting that. I hate everything about that.

I hate that it’s lasted so long. I hate that I feel like I lost myself somewhere. I hate that I for sure took it out on other people. I hate that I allowed it to make me even more flakey than I already am. I hate that I allowed it to make me retreat into myself with no explanation to any of the people (or companies) I care about.

I hate that I’m not 100% sure it’s over.

Over the past year, I’ve spent the majority of my time buried in politics and social justice (which you know if you follow me on Twitter). I’ve lost a lot of readers, and a lot of reach because so many people came to me strictly for sex and kink advice, and I have mostly stopped posting that literally everywhere you can find me.

And at first, I was mad about it.

I have never and will never be a one dimensional person. Read more…

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If I can’t pull myself out, he’ll do it for me.

October 20th, 2015 3 comments

I’m diagnosed with Clinical Depression (among other things).

I stopped taking medication because to get to a point where I stopped having suicidal ideations, stopped feeling worthless, stopped feeling empty, I had to also stop feeling anything, stop having sex, stop being able to focus, continue to not be motivated to live. I was, in essence, a zombie. I wasn’t alive, but my body hadn’t had the curtesy to just stop living.

What’s the point of taking pills that are supposed to make you feel better if they really only make you a zombie?

I’m told mental health meds (and particularly those meant for depression and anxiety) have come a long way, and are less likely to affect a body that way, but I have a few friends who are currently running the gamut of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications and having the same results I did. Read more…

Ida’s Diary

October 13th, 2015 3 comments

Today I saw this: An Interview with Ida of ‘Ida’s Diary’, a New Film About Borderline Personality Disorder. I watched the short and it was a serious “aha!” moment. I started crying because seeing someone else going through and explaining things similar to what I deal with felt like having my heart ripped out and held before my eyes.

I haven’t seen the entire film, but I plan to rectify that as soon as possible.

I have so many things I want to say, but I’ve reached the point in my mental cycle where words feel like knives. I want to bury my head in a game, crank Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz, or Rob Thomas’s The Great Unknown, or Halestorm’s Into the Wild Life in my headphones, and tune out the world. Their words don’t feel like knives. Their words feel like hands soothing the ache in my stomach that I first noticed when I was four.

I avoid talking about my mental illness. With most everyone. And when it comes right down to it, it’s because…well, Ida said it herself. People don’t tell cancer patients to just pull themselves together. Read more…